Next Day Syndrome

Well. Um. This is embarrassing, but, uh.... Today was a bust. I fucked up, yes, big time, I binged. I don't purge anymore, I don't have the energy. I woke up with whatever I ate yesterday still in my stomach so I wasn't hungry, but my OCD compelled me to have my usual breakfast, despite the fact that it was 12 noon. I had a few chocolate covered biscuits and chocolate, despite telling myself 1000 times that I was supposed to making positive changes in my life today. I made brownies and ate some, despite the murderous pain in my already-full stomach. That is a very long day of bingeing made very short. I am exhausted. It's been one of those days where you just can't wait for the next day to come so you can start over fresh.

I'm starting fresh tomorrow. It'll be a perfect Sunday. I'll wake up by 9 AM, have a light breakfast, and wash my hair. I'll study economics from 10:30-3, then have an apple and straighten my hair. I'll study psychology from 4-6, then have a yogurt and drive to the library and study French until 10 PM. Sounds perfect. Let's see if I'm not completely full of shit. If tomorrow goes something like that, then I'm not full of shit. If I screw up, that means I'm full of shit and incapable of accomplishing anything. (Yes, I'm an extremist.)

I've been seeing my therapist and it's going swell. She has made me realize so many things about my life and who I am. She has helped me realize how controlling my parents have actually been my entire life. They have always had the best intentions, but they didn't realize that they went about it the wrong way. Everything my parents have ever done to me was so they could have better control over me. Looking back, it makes so much sense! I hate my parents so much, more than ever now, after realizing all this. They did this to me, I'm screwed up because of them. But my therapist says she will help me pick myself up and move on. I can't wait to get up.