When I was extremely "sick" in 2008-2009, I did some crazy things. Despite being crazy, they kept me thin at 90 lb and getting thinner. I used to wake up early so I could eat breakfast in solitude. I would take a slice of bread and measure the height, width, and length to calculate the volume. Then I'd cut the crusts off and measure the height, width, and length of that to calculate that volume. I'd make ratios with the volumes and the given calorie content so I'd know exactly how many calories I was eating. Everything I ate was measured. I trained myself to know exactly what one teaspoon of rice looks like, so I'd be able to calculate my calories after having eaten with family; I mentally kept track of each teaspoon I ate. I even know exactly how one cubic inch of chicken should look. I was obsessed with calorie counting and keeping my intake as low as possible. 'Christ, you can't have ANOTHER grape, that'll make your intake for today 4!!!' Looking back, I think the only reason I actually ate was so I could have calories to count.
What I'm trying to say, is that...I wish I could be as strong as I was 2 years ago. I know I have it in me. So I'm going through my old journals. I'm going to try to be that same "sick" girl. It's what I want. Today I was trying to figure out if I should go to Timmy's and get a bagel. Well, actually, I was mostly trying to figure out if I should eat. I was such a battle trying to figure it out, I got so frustrated. It was like this: If I don't get the bagel, I won't be happy and it'll be on my mind; If I do get the bagel and eat it, I will end up feeling sad about it. I didn't get the bagel. It was just too complicated and I couldn't justify it properly. I want to lose 3 lb this week and I want to be 103 lb by February 4. I'm gonna DO IT.
I love ballet so much. I'll be so much better when I get back to 103 lb. I was never big on working out my lower body, because of my large thighs, but I'm starting to feel my butt...jiggle when I do this one ballet move called a bourree. That jiggling will stop; I've started doing lots of squat variations. February 4...I will be 103 lb or less. Promise.
Good luck! I know you can do it (: You'll find that girl in you again.
ReplyDeletewow hun you were strict!! i'm sure you'll get that control back again. this may sound weird but i so want to see a vlog of you doing ballet haha i can imagine it would be beautiful!
ReplyDeletexx
You can so do that! And that picture of the ballerina is beautiful. :)
ReplyDeleteDiscipline like no other, you need it for ballet, and you have it in droves darling.
ReplyDeleteThe detox is good, but I won't link you to the one I'm doing because it's silly, has way too many cals and I'm already mega adapting it to basically my own plan of eat what I like within reason but it has to be healthy stuff. Fruit, veg, wholegrain, healthy fats, eggs.
I wan't to work out again! Not done pilates in a long while. You inspire me to try harder! xx
I'm glad to have found another ballet dancer on here! I'm a newbie right now though :). I loved reading about how you were a couple of years ago & how obsesive calories counting can be. In some ways, I wish I was more careful and exact with my calories. I trust what the nutrition labels say and estimate calories in things. I want to get a food scale to I can be more exact instead of making a close guess.
ReplyDeleteI thought about getting a bagel yesterday as well, and with the almost the same thought process except I gave in =(. They're the cheapest thing to buy at school & I knew I would keep thinking about the bagel until I ate it. I commend you for your strength in resisting =). You'll definitely reach your goal be Feb 4th! Maybe one day I'll be 103 pounds as well ^^
&heearts;
I'm so jealous you do ballet, it's beautiful and so are you. You're so strong and you'll get to 103 easy :) xxx
ReplyDeleteYou'll get that girl back. It just takes time and strength, as do most things in life. You seem to be on the proper track to get her back. [I'm so scared of bagels. They're equivalent to what, 5 slices of bread? Good choice to stay away!]
ReplyDeleteI'm insanely jealous that you do ballet. I admire ballerinas.
Duude we are so similiar our stats are pretty similiar and our GW!
ReplyDeleteI was SOO much stronger about a year ago, too, i got down so low now i am so much bigger and i hate myself and i wanna get back down!
I did ballet as well but quit recently cos i feel way too fat, but i felt fat doing it even at my LW and hated the teacher anyway. I prefer ISDT (?) to RAD ballet too.
But yeah, i wish you loads of luck and am following x