The Fight is Fixed

I want blue skies and sunny days. I want a pond with little streams flowing into it. I want to wear pretty little dresses and look completely tiny wearing them. I want to see the ocean. I want a secret cove where I can think and day-dream. I wish I could see beauty and inspiration where I live. But, sadly, where I live lacks beauty and inspiration. Except the golf course. I think I should spend more time on the porch. Because, as much as I hate where we live, the golf course is really beautiful. My house backs onto the hole with the pond. Anyway. I am finding myself utterly repulsive, so I am looking for beauty elsewhere. Nature. Fashion. Photography. Painting. I wish I hadn't messed up [eating wise] this whole week. If I hadn't I'd be so much happier, lighter...We live and learn.
I have been extremely lazy the past few days. The long walk around the city of Toronto on Thursday night caused my legs to be sore for 2 days! Now, they're better and I can start working out again. But the problem is, my schedule is really full for a while. It sucks. One of my biggest fears about going out with people is eating. That is self-explanatory. I have university activities scattered around the rest of the month. I am really nervous. I'm a university student. Wow. I swear, life will be so good. I swear. I'm going to get that in writing from myself. I will be a better person to myself. Only do good things for myself. I won't eat things that I'll regret later. I am smarter. Dedicated. I am in control. I have power over myself. Cool.
I am going to go shopping today, tomorrow, whenever I can this month. I want the model-off-duty (MOD) look. I will achieve that so much easier when my BMI is less than 17, when I'm less than 100 pounds. When I'm thin and lovely. Then I will be able to do anything. I sit and await and day dream about that day.