The Fight

Well, today was a complete disaster. My dad was BENT on taking the family to the beach. He fucking didn't check the weather properly. It poured rain, the beach was disgusting when we got there, it was SO windy and cold...I don't need to go further. We were disappointed and unhappy. In my case, those two feelings lead to...binging...Yup. Ate everything. Timbits. Chips. Entire loaded burger. When we got home: bread, butter, cookies...at least I purged those three. Today was a really bad day. I swear to God, I'm never hanging out with my family willingly, again. I don't give a shit. I'm not concerned with their feelings.

I know, I messed up today, but I can make it up in the days to come. I have those days. I won't waste them. I will not self-detrust and to harmful things to myself, like eating shit. I am tired of "doing the politically right thing." You know, spending time with my family because THEY'D like it, eating because it would make my mom feel better...I'm tired of doing things for the sake of others, ESPECIALLY my family. I want to do this one simple thing for myself. I want to lose weight. And if my family attempts to get in my way, I have to say no. I have to put my foot down. I have to do what's best for ME in the long run. This is about ME.

I have to do this. Because I will never be at peace with myself until I can finally establish that sense of ultimate power and control over my own life. That is the ultimate goal, the ultimate goal...Dammit, I just stared at the screen for 5 minutes, scared sick that all this fighting with my dark passenger was for nothing...But no. It isn't for nothing. I don't work hard for nothing. This is for something...This is for Thinness, right- I mean, beauty, I mean, attention, no, I mean control. Yes, Control, it's about possessing ultimate control.