A Psychological Understanding

I didn't want to have that Nutella. It just sort of happened. I'm trying to figure out why. Here's what I've figured out.

Pure. Fucking. Habit. It's the kitchen. It's become a habit that whenever I go into the kitchen I have Nutella. In psychology, they call this...classical conditioning. Or Pavlovian conditioning.

Pavlov, the psychologist, would ring a bell every time he brought meat to dogs, who would salivate with the meat's presence.

The dogs were conditioned to associate the bell with meat. Soon, the dogs began to salivate with the mere sound of the bell, without the meat: a response that wouldn't have existed without the classical conditioning.

I have conditioned myself to associate the kitchen with eating nutella. I have to extinguish the conditioned response.

On a different note, I don't want to wear leggings to ballet tonight, because my legs look disgustingly lumpy and fat and ugh. I have no idea what to wear. But ballet is my major motivation to become skinny.

Getting There

I seem to have gotten stronger. Every morning before I drag myself out of bed, I tell myself that I will not binge and why. It works. I am eating more vegetables and resisting the carbs. I seriously have taken in enough carbs to last a life time. I'm focusing on slowly decreasing my intake because I don't want to go STRAIGHT into starvation after all this binging. That'll only slow my metabolism down. By January, my goal is to be able to survive on 100 calories a day, the way I could in late November. Today there was NO food in the house, but I couldn't help but LOOK for food. I stared into the cupboards. Nothing. Opened the fridge. Nothing. Opened the freezer. Nothing. Opened the fridge again, as if something magically could have showed up. Nothing. Opened the cupboards again. Nothing. "I feel like baking," I announced. My sister was the only one home; she looked at me and continued watching TV. I dug up some chocolate from the cold cellar, shoved it in my mouth, opened some thinspo sites, and stopped eating chocolate. I wasn't even enjoying the chocolate.

So I've been obsessing with the Victoria's Secret angels' videos on youtube. I've decided that a goal of mine is to be like the angels. Hot body, beautiful glowing skin, and a personality to succeed. Supermodels in general are a total inspiration. I want that kind of confidence. That kind of beauty, inner and outer. I want a gap between my thighs, for the first time in my life. I want to exhibit complete control over my entire being. So...here's to eating less and becoming the most beautiful I've ever been!

And there's Karlie in the most beautiful Dior dress I've ever seen. Before I end this, I want to shout out to Alex at Skeletal Thoughts. She's has a lovely blog but she doesn't have a lot of followers and could really use your support! If you get a chance, stop by her site to say hi. xo

Alway Use Your Brain

I tried to do my usual push-ups today, but I've put on a substantial amount of weight, thus my arms were unable to push my fat body up as easily. I fought the urge to self-induce vomiting today. However, that didn't stop me from bingeing. I don't want to sicken anyone with my moments of gluttony. I've realized that the reason I was bingeing was because I wasn't focused. I was not using my brain properly. You see, I have been so pre-occupied with studying for my Biology exam. I need to always bear in mind my goals. There should always be a place in my mind for weight-loss. I can't crowd the place with Biology and let myself eat mindlessly. I need to make a list. New year's resolutions and the like. I'm going to get to that immediately.

I have a lot of issues that need to be fixed and I am determined to fix them. I am so scared and it's going to be so hard. But I need to try; I need to make positive changes in my life. I think another reason, I've been so lazy is because being at home for this break has out me in "holiday mode." Not much to focus on, not always on the go... All this has made me realize how much I love university. The gym. Classes. Hotties. Walking around campus burning cals. Despite the work, I love it, I really do! I actually miss going to classes and learning new things! EVEN Economics. If I don't pass this Biology exam, I can't take it in January; I'll be stuck with Sociology. I really fucking love Biology and learning about the origin of life and animals and genetics and Darwin...

Yes, there is an abundance of Karlie Kloss photos on my laptop. So, uh, tomorrow's gonna be a binge-free day. I have to try. Oh, and Biology is the reason I haven't been commenting on your blogs as much. I've been reading, though! 5 more days until the exam...

Compulsions

Thank-you, Isobel and Adeline for your kind words. I would like everyone to know something. After google-ing site after site, I have, uh, "self-diagnosed" myself with bulimia. How sick. I've realized that as long as I eat, I am not happy. When I eat, I cannot focus on anything. I am going to be completely honest with everyone. Every time I eat (without purging), every time, I have this obsessive compulsion to work out. It's like I need it so bad, like a drug. My heart starts racing and my breathing quickens and I start panicking and I have to drop and do 20 pushups, squats and lunges, after which I feel better. Calmer. I have to, or my heart doesn't calm the fuck down, and I can't think of anything else. If I don't do some sort of exercise, I can't focus. On anything, other than my racing heart.

I am going to change this bulimic thing. It's so stupid. Tomorrow it shall be as if it never existed. Tomorrow, I won't even enter the kitchen. I won't even leave my room, except for the bathroom. Tomorrow, I change everything. For the better. Because, mark my words, come Christmas, everyone will stare.

That song is for all of you, lovelies. I am forever grateful for your support.

There is no easy way to look at my mother and tell her that I ate the entire loaf of bread. Yes, mom, I ate all 12 slices. Ya, there's no way that's happening. I'm speeding to the store. Must replace it before she gets back. Jesus. Fucking Christ. I cannot believe this is my life. Update later.

Mail Exchange?

Lately my life has been lacking inspiration and raw human beauty. I need to broaden my horizons, reach out to the world, to people, listen to their stories, share mine. I've kept a few pen pals over the years, and I think it would be really cool to get a few more. Let's exchange letters. They're pretty cheap to send across North America, and not much more for international. There are so many lovely things you can put in an envelope. It's a change to get creative, paint, take pictures, send magazine clippings, write...I'm sure everyone has beautiful things to send! I do. E-mail me if you're interested: *removed*

Last night I dreamed that I was so thin for Christmas, I was 96 lb. Everyone stared but no one said anything. I was filled with utmost joy and pride. Today's going to be a good day. I can feel it pulsing through my veins. Today will be a good day. I am on the edge of my seat with excitement. Who's gonna be in the 90s for Christmas? Me. Oh and an anonymous asked how long I've been doing ballet. I started in July this year! And I absolutely love it. I'm 18, so it's really never too late! I just have to work harder to improve my flexibility.

Action Plan

I no longer trust myself at home. I just had a slice of bread and feel terrible. Today was supposed to be perfect. I guess home is just not the right environment for me. I have barely studied an hour. I put in 30 min yesterday and 30 minutes today. I have wasted over 15 hours this entire break. That makes me sick. So here's my plan of action. Tomorrow, and the rest of the goddam break, I am hauling myself out of the house and making it to UTM for 12. I will work out at the gym for 60-90 minutes. Then I'll head to the library and spend the rest of my hours there, studying Biology. (It's open 24 hours since it's exam period.) I can come home AFTER 8 PM, which is when I can do my push-ups then practice some Calculus.

Push-ups are becoming a very important part of my day. Today I did 81. Being away from home, I'll be able to stick to my meal plan. I'll be able to focus. I'll be able to get into the "habit" of restricting. That way I'll be stronger when I'm at home, unable to go to the lib. I need to be a fucking genius. I need to be skinny. I need to be perfect. That's what I need. I have 6 lb to lose in 18 days. I'm slowly getting frustrated and discouraged. But not completely, because I KNOW that I'm 100% capable of losing 4 lb in a week. It's happened on more than one occasion.

Fucking dad has just informed me that tomorrow he's taking my car to get snow tires put on. So I won't have the car. Great. Fucking great. Mom can drop me off, but that's highly inconvenient because I won't have a place to dump my gym bag after I work out. I could start my action plan on Wednesday... Bloody fuck, I want action NOW! I'm sorry about my language. On a different note, I wish I had money so I could move out of my parents house. If I'd known that I'd grow up to hate this place so much, I'd have gotten a summer job all those years ago. But I've never had a job, and I can't get a job now because being a student my full time job. ... Christ, I guess I'll start the plan on Wednesday and pretend that my room the the lib tomorrow. Wish me luck!

I'll be that tiny^. Soon. Less than 18 days. You'll see. Everyone will see. Gym Hottie will see. Hahahaha, yeah right...

Will Power

My younger sister is starting to work out. It's kinda freaking me out because she's the "happy daughter," the cute one, the one that eats ice cream every night. This morning she was like, "I want to be like Alisha, she's healthy." My mother scoffed and said, "Alisha's not healthy, Alisha's mad. She doesn't know how to live." Fucking bitch. I love my life. Anyway. I just had 2 slices of bread and butter, which was NOT planned. But not a binge and not a big deal (today). Tonight is grandpa's 80th bday hall party. I'll only eat salads. Promise. I want to share with you all this little something that an old friend of mine posed a very long time ago. It's up on my bulletin board and never fails to inspire me.

Will - desire, want. Direction in which the flow is downhill.

Power - I'm not sure. Guesses:
-Volume of flow under your control. I suppose that is the energy you have power over. 

-Ability to go against the flow

Happiness is feeling a fast flow.

Will is the direction you perceive as downhill, and thus the direction that you believe will cause you to move fastest when travelled.

Hate is resistance to flow. 
Resistance to the movement of energy. Why would you resist the movement of energy? If you believe a lack of resistance would take you in a direction that you do not want to travel in, hate is stiffness, flexing, tense, afraid.

Power is your ability to move independent of flow. 
Power is unnatural, non-oraganic.
Power is independence.

That is why hate feels like power.
Power is the ability to move independent of the flow around you. 

And hate resists the flow. But it does not create a flow.

Will power is moving uphill


Forcing yourself against the flow.

Thin=Happy

I think I'll stay in my room all day. I don't want to eat. I want to be light. I want to wake up light. You know. Feel beautiful. I've felt it before. So I think I'll pull out the ol' will power and study in my room all day. I am going to focus on Biology. That's it. And I'll do some ballet and calisthenics on my breaks. I really can't even think about eating right now. I did 72 push-ups last night, and right after that, some malicious force dragged me into the kitchen and somehow I scarfed 2 cookies down my mouth. I told my mother about how my energy levels have been so low due to the amount of carbs/bread+butter I've been bingeing on (I didn't SAY bingeing). She agreed, and told me I need a "balance." So I'm making her buy lots of greens so I can make salads for myself. I find that when I exercise and don't eat a lot, my energy levels are so so so HIGH and I'm in a good mood! So that's what I'll strive for from now on. I'm up-ing my fruits/veggies intake. I want to be thin=happy. Direct correlations.

A couple of you asked for my diet plan. I lose 3-5 lb per week on it. Here it goes: Breakfast is always 1/2 C muesli with 1/3 C non-fat yogurt and 1/3 C raspberries=150cals. The muesli is 100% natural, not processed in the slightest, organic, whole grains, and only 2 grams of fat per cup, which comes from sunflower seeds. It's imported from Germany. 3-4 hours after breakfast, I have a rice cake (40cals). 3-4 hours later, apple (50 cals). 3-4 hours after that, I have a slice of whole wheat bread with raspberry jam (100cals)...4 hours later nonfat yogurt (35 cals). That's it. I'm thinking of cutting out something, and replacing it with a salad, but either way the plan works. Also, I exercise 4-5 days per week. Each workout has a 30-minute cardio component and at least a 15 minute strength training routine. I work abs 2-3 times per week; I do back/biceps, triceps, and shoulders on non-consecutive days.

I have 20 days to lose at least 6 lb. Here we go... And to everyone who commented on my picture, thank-you so much! It takes my breath away thinking about the bond we all have. Really, it does.

Just a Thought

My parents were putting up Christmas decorations so I decided to make Snicklerdoodles. I had 4. Also, before, I decided that I don't like starving. Well, I've said this on here before, but I mean I don't like the emptiness. I'd much rather eat 35 fat-free calories every 3-4 hours, than go 12 hours without eating. And I've already established that I'm not a faster. My metabolism HALTS when I fast. Not even exaggerating. At least I'm being "healthier", not eating crap and focusing on eating as little as I possibly can. So because of the Snickerdoodle disaster tonight, I'm gonna have to work out again tomorrow. I've been working out like a dog all week...I did TWO intense hours today. On less than 150 cals! I have NO IDEA how I managed 30 minutes on the stationary bike. NO IDEA. I have NO IDEA how I managed to walk around campus without falling over, although I felt close to it at times.

ANYWAY. Should I do a vlog? I want to, but I'm nervous... I feel...too ugly?, I think. My fucking thick-ass hair, enormous bulgy eyes. Okay, haha, I'm not that ugly. Forget it, I'll pick a pretty day and do a vlog. Haha. Everyone's doing it.