Fight It

I'm sick. Greeeaaat. My eyes won't stop watering. My nose is stuffed. My throat is swollen...This sucks. I can't concentrate on anything. This week has been so exhausting. I can't wait for the weekend. Something's happening to me. I can't shake it, but I have to figure it out. Things are keeping me up at night. Things are frightening me. Things are overwhelming. Sometimes I think of killing myself. But that's why I turn to weight loss. When I lose weight, when I control my intake and my body, I feel at peace. I feel happy. I feel like I can accomplish anything. The "fuck it" attitude (which often leads to binges) is the worst possible attitude to have. I have to remember that my entire life revolves around my body image. This is who I am. Without ED, I'm nothing. I have to lose weight, I have to! I gained 6 lb over Christmas. There. I said it. I'm a fighter, though. I'm going to fight everything. I'm going to WIN. I'm going to lose weight, consistently. This is the year I reach my ultimate goal weight of 93 lb.

And thanks, girls, for the advice on the boy! I'll keep you updated!

Let's Talk Sex (Possible TMI)

Ohhhh, boy. So on December 30, I partied HARD at my sister's sweet 16. I am not a party person, and I never willingly go to parties. Since I had to go to this party, I snuck in some vodka. I'll repeat: I partied HARD. Our friends and family were stunned to see me like that, but I continue to deny taking anything. Anyway, my very social sister has some hot guy friends. Under the influence I sorta might've touched some of them seductively. They're 16... I'm also about as horny as a teenage boy and I probably masturbate more. So I figure, hey, I really want sex and those 16 years olds would love to get with me, so I asked my sister to hook me up with the hottest one because I might wanna get laid this Friday. Fuuuuuuuck. He still has to ask his parents if he can go out...This is all too funny. So, my lovely readers, help? If this ends up going through, where should I take this guy [to hook up], what would you do, any advice? I'm still laughing about it... I'm thinking dark movie theater pre-sex then insanity in the back of my car.

In any case, I need to lose weight for Friday. Today was the shittiest day of 2011 because I thought I'd be smart with myself and not eat for over 5 hours, EVEN THOUGH I said to eat every 2 hours. You can imagine what happened when I came home after 6 hours of starving. Exactly. Don't wanna get into it, though not too big of a deal. If I play my cards right I can lose at least 2 lb by Friday. Not thin enough, but for a desperate boy, I think it's fine. Moral of today: eat every 2 hours. Trick your body into thinking it's getting enough calories.

New Year

So it's 2011. Finally. Thank GOD the holidays are over. I cannot WAIT to go back to school tomorrow! I've hated being at home. With my new lifestyle plan, I am in for the most incredible year ever. I am new. I have goals, a plan, and will power to guide me. I won't fail this time. I don't even need to say that I've been good; it's a given! Oh, my God, you have no idea how excited I am to go back to school. There's only one thing I'm super worried about: calculus. Basically, I didn't do shit over this 30 day break. I'm still 6 classes behind. So I'm working my ass off tonight. And tomorrow night. One of my resolutions was to spend as little time at home as I possibly can, so I'm spending all my time in the library. I'm going to get SMART. I'm going to get THIN. I'm going to strive for PERFECT.

I cannot let anyone get in my way. I cannot think or care about what anyone else thinks. I cannot let my mind wander astray. I'm working out tomorrow for the first time, uh, in a while. I'm prepared to get tired quicker, but I'll push through it. Ahhh!, I'm so excited to become skinny! I'm also excited to show my parents who's boss. They need a reality check. They need to realize that I'm an actual university student. I'm growing up. I'm learning things they never knew about. I don't need them as much as they need me. (I'm sure everyone who follows my blog knows how much I loathe my parents.) So I plan to distance myself from them. Anyway, good luck everyone in the new year!

Lifestyle Plan

So many of you wanted me to post my new lifestyle plan, so here we go! The editor was messing up the last couple times I tried to post it... Anyway, this plan lays out a beautiful life. It's what I've always strived for. I hope it inspires some of you lovelies! Let's do this. xo

- Eat healthier

- No bread ever for the rest of my life. It's a trigger food.

- Diet should focus on vegetables. Aim to eat a salad as a meal 4 times per week.

- Meat is allowed once a day, but ONLY if I'm with family.

- No fat, whatsoever.

- Eat every 2-3 hours, don't go longer unless exercising.

- breakfast: muesli+nf yogurt+ raspberries = 150 cals

- Snack: rice cake= 40 cals

- Snack/Lunch: apple or salad or veggies= less than 50 cals

- Snack: nf yogurt= 35 cals

- Every time you get the urge to binge/eat junk, don't move, don't get up. Just think about it. You shouldn't give into those urges. Think about it.

- No one gives a shit about you or what you "like" or what you post so don't even bother with Facebook.

- You don't need to check every single thing on your dashboard on tumblr.

- Limit internet leisure to 60 minutes per day.

-In the 60 minutes: check blogger, tumblr, xanga, e-mail, and/or update blog.

- YOU DO NOT NEED TO CHECK YOUR E-MAIL MORE THAN ONCE PER DAY.

- This hour is scheduled for evenings.

- Exercise every single day.

- Pilates class every Wednesday. Ballet class every Tuesday.

- Work out at the gym every Monday, Thursday, and Friday.

- Min. 30 minutes cardio, min. 15 minutes strength training. Weights, calisthenics, stretching.

- End workout with at least 15 minutes of low-impact cardio.

- Once a week, go for a pleasure run. This is optional and/or for stress relieving.

- Work abs no more than 3 times per week (non-consecutive days).

- On "rest" days, do as many push-ups as you can.

- Try to practice ballet everyday. Even if you come home at midnight, try to get in 15 minutes.

- Stretch every single night. Whatever you do, don't skip a day; otherwise you'll end up back at square one.

- Put in at least 24 hours of studying per week.

- Never procrastinate. Prioritize.

- Read a book every month, depending on length of book.

- Go outside more. Take a walk. It's not too cold to take a 15-minute walk to pick up/drop off the mail.

- Get at least 8 hours of sleep.

- You will regret not going to that concert. So do your homework at go to the show!

- In your spare time read books or academic journals, write down your thoughts, take pictures, and/or stretch.

- In your daily life, aspire to be like a Victoria's Secret angel: personality, smile, fashion, beauty, confidence.

- Don't judge anyone. Always be genuine.

- Always look your best, regardless of where you're going.

- Never care about what anyone thinks. Be yourself.

- Do not be afraid of the world.

- If you want to go to the library, go. Ignore the stares that always follow you when you walk.

- If you want to take a trip into Toronto to clear your head and be inspired, go.

- The answer to all your problems: punk rock. (I didn't want to generalize the wonderful genre of punk-rock, so here's a separate link!)

- You are amazing and strong. Show them what you're made of.

- Oh and have fun! This is a journey to becoming the best you can be!

Good luck in the new year, dolls!

Going Insane

I haven't been on blogger in a while. I've been going as crazy as I was the week before my Biology exam (the 15th). Crazy, because I didn't do any school work the past 3 weeks. Now, I'm stressing over Economics readings, Psychology readings, and Calculus. Six days before term 2. Shit. I cannot wait to go back to school, but I have to get this work done, first. And fucking hell, I hate being at home. I've been binging like a pig. Miss Alisha is no thinspiration this week. My sister is throwing her massive sweet 16 bash on the 30th and my cousins are coming from Singapore and my parents want me to go to their welcome dinner tonight, but FUCK I have all this Economics reading and shit to do! wrefhdjknwejdskgoinginsane.

The plan for this week is to focus on catching up. I'm also creating a lifestyle plan for 2011. Because in 2011, I WILL NOT fail. Things will be different. I'll be thin. Therefore, I'll be happy. I'll be in control.

Background

I've been uncomfortable around food since I was 12. In grade school when I sat with friends at lunch, I used to hide my food under the desk. It was because I thought eating symbolized weakness or conformity. But I never had weight/body/calorie issues. I was the leader of my group, but I was a quiet, shy girl. When I started high school, I wanted to change and be popular, fun, social...So I set out to do it. Long story short: I became known as a "pass around," hooking up with boy after boy, doing shit for the attention, being "blond"... Soon, I started getting bullied severely at school and online, verbally and sexually harassed at school and online...The school told my parents I was planning my suicide so I switched schools and made a plan to change and become the strongest, nicest, most adorable down to earth girl in the world. Because of the traumatic experience at the old school, I had built up a wall, and everyday since then my wall has gotten stronger.

Anyway, so I set out to be the strongest, smartest, and toughest. No one would do the things the bullies did to me when I was 14. No one would ever be able to hurt me or bring me down. And that's what happened. That's what made me into this monster. I have no feelings. I don't care about anyone. I'm self-absorbed. My ED was a byproduct of wanting to be the strongest, smartest, toughest. It never started because of body issues. My father is a skeleton, and I have his genes. Although, I get my thick thighs and hips from my mom. My mother's family is from India and they are all fat. My father's family is from Singapore/China and they are all skeletons. I am lucky, so goddam lucky, that I got my dad's skinny genes. AND THAT is how I KNOW that I am capable of making it to my UGW of 93 lb.

I binged today, but so what, I can still make it to the 90s eventually. Christmas is making me so nervous, I'm surrounded by so much food and temptation to eat! Eating makes me so depressed. The other day I binged and purged three times! I woke up the next day with the most swollen throat you'd ever see. It was painful, uncomfortable, and ugly. I'm never purging again. Therefore, I'm going to try my hardest never to binge again. That's all for now. I hope everyone has a beautiful Christmas! I love you all! xo

Never Take "Days Off"

My godmother's Christmas dinner went well. The Chinese dinner yesterday went well. Both dinners involved mere vegetables for me. I wasn't too happy with the dressing/sauces, but it can't have been so bad. (And THANK-YOU everyone for the tips!) I'm thrilled with my progress. My arms are thinner. My tummy is flat. It doesn't sound like much, but it's progress. My hips will shrink. I have faith in them. They are slow like turtles. But I have faith that they will shrink. I'm doing a lot of cardio. I took a break off working out today since my legs were so sore, and just did some ballet which was a bad idea because for the first time in 5 days, I binged and purged. Stupid. It was completely mindless. But I'm happy it was a mindless binge because it hasn't messed with my train of will power. I'm still as strong as ever. Tomorrow will be as good as the last 5 days, and I'll be hitting the gym in evening.

So I suppose working out everyday for at least 45 minutes is the best idea. I'll just skip the cardio component if my legs are too sore. Circuit training is a fun option! As of today I'm 104 lb. I've lost 4 lb since I decided to lose 5 lb for Christmas. I guessss that it's not too much to ask myself to aim to lose another 4 lb for Saturday, which is Christmas! Wow, I bet if I work hard enough, I could be double digits for xmas! Okay, but I'm not going to get carried away. Subgoals is the key to getting things accomplished without stress. So let's just focus on losing 4 lb in 5 days. Totally do-able. Did I hear someone say "Skinny bitch?" Oooh, sound appealing...!

^'Sup, Karlie? I'm gonna be in your league soon...

Help!

Crap crap crap! I came upstairs after 45 blissful minutes of burning calories, feeling tiny and thin and pretty, and my dad says, "Alisha would you mind if we go to Emerald?" (That's the family's favourite Chinese restaurant.)

"What?" I respond nervously.

"Would you mind if we go to Emerald for dinner?"

"Uhh." Long pause.

"Well?"

"Why are you asking me?"

"Well you'd have to come with us."

"Fine. I don't mind." Shit Fuck Me Fuck. I couldn't say NO I WON'T because I don't like oily fatty Chinese food.

Then my sister who is "trying" to be healthy, says "I kinda just want to stay home and be healthy with Alisha, my sister."

Yes, thank you GOD for my sister.

Now my dad is all like, "No come with us, Alisha, you have never come out with us in forever!"

Not sure what's going to happen yet, but I'm freaking hell out of my brain. I'm 4 lb down from Wednesday. I'm aiming to be 100 for Christmas, at this rate. No room for oily fatty Chinese food.

Resistance

Okay. I've lost 3 lb since Wednesday. Awesome. Will power is at it's peak. And it's here to STAY. I read, exercise, read, exercise, dance, read, dance, push-ups, read, dance, snack. That's pretty much all I do. I like doing those things, so it's not a problem. I've been fat-free for the past 3 days, and that's how I plan to stay. I never ever want to go back to eating carbs, binging on bread and butter, gaining weight...I will never let myself sink that low again. That has been embedded in my mind. Yesterday, I made my mother a coffee cake out of the goodness of my heart. She's obsessed with coffee cake. The last time I made coffee cake, I ended up bingeing on half of it. This time, I picked a crumb off, ate it, decided it was good, and walked away. I am strong.

Tonight is my godmother's Christmas party. Her husband is a chef, a good one. I'm not sure what they're serving. Sometimes at their parties we have elegant sit-down gourmet dinners, sometimes he makes a buffet. Whatever it is tonight, I hope I can get away with eating only a heap load of veggies and maybe a tiny portion of meat. They always comment on my eating... Anyway, I think I'm capable of losing 3-5 more lb by Christmas! I'm going hold my power tightly. I can't let it go, I won't slip. I'll be thin.

Five Pounds Lighter By Christmas

At ballet I ended up wearing my leggings with a long-but-tight long-sleeved black shirt. It was fine. Except that my hips were too wide. And my thighs were too thick. It was repulsive to look at myself in the mirror. I'm actually referring to myself as repulsive! I never thought I'd sink this low. But tomorrow is a very big day. Tomorrow, I will write my Biology exam at 4 PM, and should finish within three hours. Tomorrow, I can start focusing on myself, instead of Biology. These past 10 days, I have disregarded my physical health, which in turn negatively affected my mental health. Direct correlations. But tomorrow that changes. I am so excited for tomorrow. Tomorrow, I am going to work out. It's going to be hard, since I have't done it in so long, but it will feel amazing. I will feel amazing. I'm ready to start looking after myself again. I'm ready to feel beautiful. I'm ready to make a difference in my life.

Tomorrow I will follow my usual meal plan. The one I followed all school year. Tomorrow, everything changes. OMG, and I picked up the mail, and a $100 tax refund check came for me! So here's the deal: If I can lose 5 lb by Christmas, I'll buy myself an entire outfit. A dress with tights and shoes, or a top, cardigan, and skinnies... I have no idea what I weigh now, but I'll find out tomorrow morning. But I KNOW I've gained a substantial amount of weight and I've been eating too much because I've been pooping twice a day. Ya, ya, TMI, I know... So...FIVE POUNDS! Who else wants to lose 5 lb, by xmas? Let's support each other?

I'm making a new year's resolution list. The person I want to be, the things I want to be able to do, the goals I want to accomplish...It's still a work in progress, but I'm trying to carry out the resolutions now. Why wait until 2011? Start making the change now!