Interesting

I knew this girl when I was in grade 10, three years ago. She's two years older than me. We were really tight. When she went to university, we never talked much just the random text every so often. I saw her at UTM, and I was like, 'whhhaaaaat.' So we're hanging out and talking again. In the library she saw my frequently viewed sites on my laptop for a split second. She's saw the link for BellaAna's blog, which says in bright white letters Long Way to Skinny. So my friend was all like, "Hey, go back to the skinny site." I got nervous as shit, and was like, 'uh, why, no.' She said, "Oh, I like sites like that. Have you heard of Random Anorexics.com?" I was dumbfounded. I laughed like a little girl, and started pulling up these thinspo sites. She showed me some of the ED sites she goes on. I fed her all this bull shit about how I think it's scary that there are sites like that up, blah blah. She was like "I guess, but isn't it funny and intersting?" Now she's asking me if I've read Winter Girls. I'm interested to see where this goes... It's fishy, but interesting.

Anyway, I'm doing okay for time. Not procrastinating as much. Getting sleep. Also, I'm starving as I type this. My family's at a luncheon and there's like no food in the house. Only my non-fat yogurt. I've decided to start the 246 diet again. I'm such a failure at counting calories but (whoa my stomach just growled MAJORLY), I need to do this. Everyone on here's making such amazing progress! I am NOT about to get left behind. I can't wait to work out at the gym tomorrow after my psych test. 2 hours, baby. I'm so looking forward to being tiny and delicate, and lovely. Stay strong!

MOD

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it. Gonna be SHUT UP in my room ALL DAY syudying for my Psychology test which is on Monday. I am planning on eating non-fat yogurt today. That's it. No other foods. I mean, no other food is acceptable. I hope like hell, my parents go out tonight. I itch with excitement at the thought of losing weight. A major problem with me is that when I study for too long, my mind wanders. Not to thoughts of food, it's always to thoughts about sex. It gets to a point where I can't stop thinking about having hot sex with the gym hottie, and I'm not studying anymore. So that's when I take a break. Taking a break is good. Today, my breaks will occur every 2 hours and will consist of eating the non-fat yogurt and/or journaling. I've planned everything out. Everything goes so much smoother when I plan it out. And I end up much more successful.

My jeans are getting wayy too lose. It's brutally annoying trying to pick out something in the morning. So I bought a belt yesterday. I hate wearing belts. But I don't want to spend all that money to buy new jeans. Although, I could use ONE new pair of skinny jeans. Yeah!, I think I deserve a new pair. There's a pair of jeans that I have not worn once in my closet that I bought in September. On account of I have lost a crap load of weight since then, those jeans are now too big. I feel stupid having spent the money on those jeans, it might be too late to exchange/return then, I don't know. I'm gonna try anyway. :D With a new skinny body in the works, I need to start buying cuter prettier clothes and start looking pretty and fashionable. Very Model-Off-Duty kind.

Thanks for all your lovely comments on the last post! I'm really motivated. I just want all of you to stay strong, never give up, and NEVER procrastinate. xo

Still Motivated

Check out the obliques on Miss Alisha:

Okay, so this pictures is from a week ago. Look at all that fat, don't worry it shall vanish soon. I prommmmise. There is a sexy toned six-pack under all that. I've seen it before. I know it's there. A real update soon. xoxo

Good Things

Oh, it is so nice to be HOME! After my classes finished at 12 PM, I had a 7 hour break, so I went to the library to finish my calculus assignment which I thought would take 5 hours, so I'd have 2 hours to study economics. After 5 hours of calculus SITTING IN A CUBICLE, I wasn't finished, and I was hungry, the pangs were intense since I'd forgotten to eat, and I was tired. And my brain was slipping away. So I packed my crap, and went downstairs to relax at Starbucks. I got a Light Mocha Frap and I ate an apple. Chatted with a couple of old friends. Relaxed. I can't believe I actually let myself go so long without food. I swear, it was intense hunger, but I forced myself to sit there and do calculus. I COULD NOT get up until it was done. I finished the assignment at 7 45 PM. It took me 7 hours to do that assignment. Now I have to pull a late night doing economics. Well, all in all, it was a good day. Because I starved.

Not sure what's gonna happen tomorrow. Probably no gym time. Gotta do economics, calculus (I'm a tad behind), and read 2 huge chapters for my psychology test on Monday. Oh boy. But the good thing is, I'm getting back into routine! I'm nearly caught up on all my school work! That means I can get FULLY back into routine on Monday. That means gym time! Yayyyy! So uh, if anyone's noticed, October ends in two days, and I'm not as thin as I said I would be. Oh well, life happens, you know? I'm just happy to have such a fun goal: becoming 93 lb. I mean, how many people have these ED mind-sets? Not very many! We are far and few between, we are unique, we think in ways like no other. We are devilish, we are the best of liars, we always have the right excuses. I'm proud to be me, even if no one else knows what I'm capable of. I do this for ME.

Busy

There is a direct correlation between procrastination and binging. Allow me to elaborate. I don't do my homework on the weekend like I'm supposed to. Nor do I start the assignment that's due in a week. Close to the day the assignment is due, I start it. But, homework has also piled up over the past two weeks. Stress emerges and BAM binge. It all makes sense. Why haven't I been updating? Because I have not been paying attention. I don't know my weight. I haven't exercised all week and I don't plan to, until Friday. I have been eating....normally. Basically, I'm maintaining a weight. I have been focusing my attentions on school work. How boring. I'm SO ready to lose a bunch of weight starting Friday!

I don't like this business of maintaining a weight. I seriously AM bored. But I don't have much time to think about it, with all this school work. I'll update when I can during this week, but probably not till Friday.

Tis Better To Be Feared Than Loved

Everyone was blogging about bingeing so I binged. It was completely accidental. I swear. I purged some, but not all. So I'm probably still around 103 lb. Not weighing until Tuesday. Plus, I got my period yesterday. Sucks. I'm totally bloated. It kinda makes me laugh, because I LOOK like I've gained 3 lb, but I know I haven't, that's impossible...right? I don't know. I still laugh, because I know that I am capable of being 100 lb by Tuesday or Wednesday regardless. I've been hanging out with my inner bitch a lot lately. I spent a long time on Facebook chat talking to a guy I met once, in September, giving him all sorts of attitude, hinting how cold I can be. He wasn't turned off in the slightest, but I don't care anyway; he's fat and ugly. Some days it bothers me how self-centered and bitchy I can be. But most days, I don't care. I am an extremely powerful girl. I scare people [away]. That's powerful. In high school, kids were intimidated by my silence. THAT's power. Fucking Queen Alisha at her finest. Okay, maybe not. Come back down to earth, missy.

My life revolves around exercise, calories, weight, avoiding food...That's why I am the way I am. I obsess over control. Knowledge, control, and ultimate power. As a kid, I used to have these fantasies where I'd be...taking over the world. Scary. Sometimes I think, no boy would ever fall in love with me, want to be with me. What's sad, is that I'm a hopeless romantic. I have dreams of finding "the one," a love story. Someone who'd love me for being the person I am. Yes, I have attitude, but it's usually intended to be funny and sarcastic. For now, I can just focus on weight loss. No one worth my friendship or heart has arrived yet. I'm also an artist. I never talk about that stuff on here. I have an intense sense of aesthetic. I am a writer. I take pictures of the city. For those of you with a xanga and interested in my writing : http://xox-blackroses-xox.xanga.com/ Not much else to say, other than I'm gonna lose 3 lb by Tuesday. Weeeee!

To Be Completely Honest

I do not enjoy the feeling of emptiness. I do not like the feeling of starving. Of the emptiness I feel after purging every calorie in my stomach. I don't like it. Not one bit. That emptiness is what leads me to a binge. What I DO like, is eating 35 fat-free calories 4 times a day. I like the feeling my metabolism running. I like feeling accomplished and awake. Today, I satisfied every craving I had to binge. Yes, I purged, but I learned an important lesson. I learned that the emptiness is not worth it. The calories are not worth it. It's best to not eat, period. I eat 150 fat free calories at breakfast. After that, eating 35 fat-free calories 4 times during the day leaves me happy, light, and satisfied. I am so happy to have figured this out today.

So, whooooo's the skinny bitch? Me. Except my thighs. They are stubborn. EVERYTHING else is shrinking. But my thighs are fat rebels. They'll learn. I have faith in them... Spent an unexpected hour at the gym today. I finished failing my economics test at 9 AM, felt like shit, got over it, and went to the gym intending to do cardio for 30 minutes and get out. At the gym, I saw my economics buddy there! So we did the stationary bike together for 20 minutes (time FLIES when you're taking to someone). Then we did weights (women only hour in half the gym!) for 15 minutes. Oh, and me being a tank, I tried the bench press. I did 5 reps, 45 lb, I think. When she left, I spent 30 minutes running intervals around the indoor track. SO SORE now.

Weighed-in this morning at 103 lb. Yay! Omg, this is so exciting, I'm trembling, 3 more lb and I'll be 100 lb! Okay, okay. Last weekend was the biggest disaster of my life. Won't happen again. Mom's away all weekend, so no one's gonna come home with cinnamon raisin bread or chocolate or milk pastries for me! No one's gonna cook or ask me what I'll have for dinner. So...who's down for losing 3 lb by Tuesday? It's a contest, last one there's a Miley!!! (For Hannah Montana fans.) I'm kidding, it's not a contest; I'm just having fun. Take care, lovelies!

^Everyone love Karlie Kloss, right?!

Thoughts

I am currently craving GOURMET macaroni and cheese with bacon and a wrap filled with salty deli meats. Clearly, I have a carb and salt craving. My mom's going away for the weekend and she's made meals for the family, but I think I'm gonna ask my sister if she wants to make that mac and cheese on Saturday night. If she doesn't, I won't have it. If she does, I'll have it, but just to try. One bite usually satisfies a craving for me. It's been 4 years since I've had mac 'n cheese. Anyway, these cravings are bad because they're all I can think about and I have a HUGE economics test tomorrow. It's like this: "Okay, so the price elasticity of demand will increase if the price of...salty deli ham on a whole wheat wrap lathered with butter and melted cheese..." That's what the past 2 hours have been like for me.

I am currently looking very skinny. Worked out 2 hours yesterday and 90 minutes today. Two days of being back on track is all it takes...I saw my eye candy at the gym today. He's just this boy I noticed during orientation week. He's like Josh Hartnett plus Torrance Coombs plus a giant surge of HOTNESS. I have calculus with him and I always make sure I get a view of him, and he's so fucking hot, and every time I see him, I imagine fucking him, hot and steamy, in his dorm room. MOVING ON. I saw him at the gym, so hot goddam, and he saw me, and he's so hot, oh baby. I forget where I was going with this. Hahahahahaha...

The Scheme

I'm really sick. Like, sick in the head. Ana and Mia are raging inside me. I'm not usually like this. Usually me and Ana are frolicking around weightlessly and powerful. But currently there is a war. I'm fighting, believe me. I cannot bear this mental pain, but I have to fight, I'm a fighter. I am very sick. It doesn't help that I'm tired, as well. I need to sleep. Maybe then, this fighting will stop and me and Ana can live in peace.

I'm scared of the treadmill, now. What if I slip and fall again? I suppose I'll just use the indoor track for a while, until I feel safe again. Sorry for this lousy tone...I'll be okay. At least, I hope so. Wait, NO! I KNOW so! I WILL be okay! I can WIN this! I'm not afraid of hunger, or the pain, or the fight! Goddam, this is going to be so hard, but I'll make it. I'll make it. I'm cutting out bread and rice and refined carbs, after breakfast, completely starting tomorrow. That's Plan A. I'll get at least 8 hours of sleep EVERY night. I'm only allowed 90 minutes of casual Internet surfing daily. The Scheme To Eat No More is starting now. NOT tomorrow. NOW.

I Just Passed Out On The Fucking Treadmill

But only for a second. After that second, I came back and realized, holy fucking shit I’m being dragged on this thing. It was bad. People around me stared and some tech guy started asking me if I was okay. I almost had a heart attack, thank you very much. But me, being psycho, decided to keep going. Then I noticed some blood rolling down my hand, so dammit, I had to get off the thing. My finger is cut pretty deep, but I gained 3 lb over the weekend, something has to be done, so I went to the back of the gym and spent some time on the elliptical. One would think the elliptical is pretty safe right, but NO, I almost fell off that stupid thing, too! Christ, I was getting so tired and weak. So I stopped. The whole reason for this gym fiasco is due to my tiredness. NOT because I haven’t eaten. Before I even got to the gym, I was thinking I shouldn’t go because I feel so tired, but I did anyway since I was feeling so fat. Now I’m just depressed.

Yes, I’m depressed because I only spend 20 minutes working out and it was only cardio. It’s actually not even funny how fat I feel. No matter. I’m not going to binge. (This is a HUGE temptation to binge right now.) I’m not going to let this sadness get in my way. Seriously. That was the worst weekend of my life. I’m so glad it’s over. I suppose it’s only made me stronger, but still. 3 lb gain…in 2 days… It’s okay, I’m strong, today’s been good. I’ll be okay. I’ll make it to 102 this week. I’m going to try my hardest.

Oh, ya! I LOVE my followers! Every single one of you! I am so thankful for your support and words of wisdom. You make me smile to myself. It’s a good feeling. I think I would go insane without all of you. I’m always here for any of you. xox