All Talk, No Action

I just feel so fat. Too fat. So unworthy. So disgusting. It has gotten to a point where I don't know what do to with myself. I don't want to fail. I always try. I never give up. But I need to figure things out. I need to lose 3 lb. For starters. My comments/posting may be lacking for a while. I'll be back once I am consistently losing weight. Once I figure this out. It's stupid to keep writing about trying to lose weight. All talk, no action. I need to change that. I am madly in love with you all. xo

The Monster in the Mirror

When I was extremely "sick" in 2008-2009, I did some crazy things. Despite being crazy, they kept me thin at 90 lb and getting thinner. I used to wake up early so I could eat breakfast in solitude. I would take a slice of bread and measure the height, width, and length to calculate the volume. Then I'd cut the crusts off and measure the height, width, and length of that to calculate that volume. I'd make ratios with the volumes and the given calorie content so I'd know exactly how many calories I was eating. Everything I ate was measured. I trained myself to know exactly what one teaspoon of rice looks like, so I'd be able to calculate my calories after having eaten with family; I mentally kept track of each teaspoon I ate. I even know exactly how one cubic inch of chicken should look. I was obsessed with calorie counting and keeping my intake as low as possible. 'Christ, you can't have ANOTHER grape, that'll make your intake for today 4!!!' Looking back, I think the only reason I actually ate was so I could have calories to count.

What I'm trying to say, is that...I wish I could be as strong as I was 2 years ago. I know I have it in me. So I'm going through my old journals. I'm going to try to be that same "sick" girl. It's what I want. Today I was trying to figure out if I should go to Timmy's and get a bagel. Well, actually, I was mostly trying to figure out if I should eat. I was such a battle trying to figure it out, I got so frustrated. It was like this: If I don't get the bagel, I won't be happy and it'll be on my mind; If I do get the bagel and eat it, I will end up feeling sad about it. I didn't get the bagel. It was just too complicated and I couldn't justify it properly. I want to lose 3 lb this week and I want to be 103 lb by February 4. I'm gonna DO IT.

I love ballet so much. I'll be so much better when I get back to 103 lb. I was never big on working out my lower body, because of my large thighs, but I'm starting to feel my butt...jiggle when I do this one ballet move called a bourree. That jiggling will stop; I've started doing lots of squat variations. February 4...I will be 103 lb or less. Promise.

Let Me Tell You One Time

I have no idea why I'm so sore from today's workout. All I did was bike for 20 minutes, and run 4-minute intervals for 20 minutes. My legs are so sore. It's not like I haven't worked out in a while, I went to the gym on Friday! Whatever. I'll deal with it. Biology midterm exam on Wednesday, Biology lab quiz Wednesday, Calculus assignment due Friday, Psychology test Friday, French composition due Monday, Economics test February 4, Calculus test February 11.

Ohhhh, boy. This is it. I only have classes until March 30, then finals. This is so crazy. Everything's piling up. But I have it under control. Today, I came home intending to study my ass off and not eat, but my mom's car wasn't starting so she sent ME to get my sister from the dentist. I got lost, the weather was shitty, and 3 hours of my time was WASTED today. Mother-fucker, so I binged. I don't even give a shit. I can't deal with wasting time. I can't stand wasting time.

I'll make up for those 3 hours the rest of the week. I'll be fine. I won't let this happen again. I'll be fine. I'll lose weight. It just breaks my heart when I keep failing. I don't want to be sad anymore. I'm going to DO SOMETHING about it. I'm going to PUSH and FIGHT for this. Today's limit was supposed to be 400 calories, but my bread-and-butter-and-nutella binge added 1360 calories to what would have been a total of 235 cals. Ugh. I'm so strong; I just hate how I let emotions get the better of me. This is something I can work on: Emotions are for the weak. I will not be weak.

Loner

Oh my God. I feel really gross right now. Like, I feel like shitting my brains out, except I don't have to. I want to because I've eaten so much. My poor stomach is full way over capacity. Oh shit. I feel so sick. I'm never bingeing again. Oh my god, this feels worse than when laxatives start to take effect. I'm drinking green tea right now, but shit-on-my-face, I feel so sick. I have this blog strictly for motivation and thinspiration purposes. It's supposed to be a thinspiring blog, that's what it was always meant to be. But I have built such close relationships with you all, that I feel like I can share something with you: I've become really depressed over the past few weeks, and it's been taking me over. It's very bad, but I'm trying to fix it. I always try. I'm a fighter. I keep thinking I should see a doctor or counsellor, but I can't because my problem won't let me: I might have agoraphobia, I did some research. I am just so afraid of everything. Literally. I'm not exaggerating. I'm afraid of everything. Socializing. People. Being around people. People looking at me. Leaving my house. Walking to class. Talking to people. Exploring my world.

That being said, I'm ready to take a stand. I'm going to take a stand against myself. If self-starvation is the only thing I have left, so be it. I'm ready to become the thinnest I have ever been. I'm going to get rid of these love handles. I am going to fight and fight. So even if I am destined to be a loner forever, at least I will be thin. And beautiful. This is all I have. I'm a fighter. I'm fighting for thin.

Life as of Late

It's been the craziest week ever. I was so...in touch with my self. I lost 3 lb from Monday, which is better than nothing or gaining. I did my homework. I studied. I did ballet. I exercised. OH! And I started using the treadmill again, for the first time since I fell on one over 3 months ago. I love running, so so much. I feel so alive when I run. I feel like I'm GOING somewhere when I run, as ironic as that sounds. The best part about exercise is seeing the results. Even though I binged once this week, the amount of exercise I did "canceled" out the binge. The day I binged, I must have done 100 push-ups, 100 squats, and 100 calf-raises (3 sets, 2 minutes rest b/w sets). Didn't gain a thing. I'm frustrated that my weight loss is slow and that I've set myself so far back, but I know I can do it. I am strong.

I went to the gym at 3:30 pm today, and damnnnnn, there was a surplus of hot boyss, I mean they were just coming in through the goddam window, I was practically drooling while trying not to look stupid in front of all of them. Holy shit, I'm getting wet just thinking about all of them, might have to change my panties hahahahaha. ANYWAY. I think I'll be at the gym every Friday afternoon...Also, I passed the dance studio and there was this girl in there doing ballet, looking so pretty and tiny. I WISH I went in to say 'hello' and 'I do ballet too,' but I didn't because, well...when I'm not TRYING to be cute, my natural style is "grunge-y prep" and I didn't want to intimidate her with my modified combat boots and shielded left eye...

I want to be tiny like the girls in the pictures in this post. Tiny and delicate-looking and graceful and light and blah blah, you get the picture. GOTTA get back to 100 lb. Plus, losing the weight will make me a better ballerina; whenever I gain weight, my pirouettes fail. Also, I'll have the confidence to hook up with a boy. I've decided to ditch the 16-year old because he was starting to get weird and clingy. I'll be open to dates once I dip below 105 lb. I need to get laid. OH SNAP, and my TA for calculus, omgomgomgomg, oh-em-eff-gee, SHIT, fuck, he is so C. U. T. E. CUTE. AHHHHHHH! I went to class for the first time since November, and he's grown out his black hair, it used to be a crew cut, and ahhhhhh, what a cutie!!!! Gawd, and when a question stumped him and his cheeks turned pink, ahhhhhh! I melted. Literally. Into a blob of hearts, and cotton candy, and puppies.

Jeeze, I wish I looked like Karlie Kloss. If I could just get that skinny...Then I can wear cuter clothes, have a good excuse to do my hair better...*sigh*

Breathe

It has come to my attention that my Lifestyle Plan is based on the fact that I don't get sad/stressed/angry. I need to make some adjustments. OH! I have also realized that I haven't been on blogger in a while! I haven't been updating/commenting because I've been so focused on school and losing weight. I've lost 3 lb since Monday, which is good. I binged today, but I saw it coming 100%. I lost my cell phone, got depressed, skipped the gym, got depressed about skipping the gym, left school, got depressed about going home, went to the library, got depressed about seeing happy high school kids, drove home, got depressed about the whole situation that's my life. Here's the adjustment to my plan of action: When I get sad/stressed/angry, do not move, do not go anywhere, do not do anything. Just sit. Think. Breathe. Then turn on the kettle and have some green tea. Put everything aside when these feelings occur. Just drink the tea, and isolate yourself with your thoughts.

So much is going on. I'm in a weird place. I'm figuring things out, but it's gradual. I'm realizing how strong I am, but the strength comes in spurts. I can't explain it. I'll do a real update this weekend. I love everyone who reads and support my blog. xo

I Wanna Be Weightless

It's 12:15 PM, and I decided to write here just to "set the stage" for the rest of the day. The mere thought of eating has started to freak me out. I think about it, but then I think of how fat I am and how I don't need to get fatter. And I have so much studying to do today, I simply don't have time to sit down and eat. My parents are going to be gone all day. I've had my muesli with yogurt and raspberries (150 cals). Later I'll have a rice cake (40 cals), then I've have some fruit like blackberries (50 cals). For dinner, my parents will be home and they're barbecuing chicken, so I'll have half a chicken breast (140 cals) and arugula with italian dressing (30 cals) . I honestly don't want to eat much, the thought just sickens me. It's so lovely to think about how thin I'll be if I keep this up. I can't wait.

I got a calculus tutor. She got me through high school physics, chemistry, and calculus. She's in her first year of pharmacy school. I spent 3 hours with her yesterday. In those 3 hours, I caught up on 6 hours worth of classes. Incredible. I have a fighting change to pass this course! I'm not as stressed, I have this under my belt, I can breath! I just have to keep doing the practice now, and I'll meet with her next Saturday. Things will be the way they were in November. I will be just as focused. Just as thin. I remember when I'd shower after using the gym, looking down at my side and seeing how thin and flat I was: I could slip though a crack in the floor. Things are going to get better. I can feel it.

If I could just find the time, then I would never let another day go by.

I'm over getting old.

Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year.

And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere.

And this is my reaction to everything I fear.

'Cause I've been going crazy, I don't want to waste another minute here. -ATL

It's Over

Okay, that's it. I'm way to sad to deal with all this shit. I had enough experience dealing with bullies, being stood up, let down and back-stabbed when I was 14. I shut down my emotions after leaving that school. But I never lost faith in humanity. There was always a part of me that believed that one day I'd be okay, I'd be happy, and I'd have real friends one day. But now I'm in university. Nothing's different. And my faith in humanity is diminishing. I haven't found happiness or friends yet. During orientation week, I introduced a friend from my high school to another friend and now the two of them are closer than either of them ever were to me. They had invited me to go clubbing with them on Thursday, but never got back to me on the details. Now their Facebook statuses are like "riding through Toronto in a limo, singing at the top of our lungs, taking pics with strangers at the CN Tower and dancing the night away...best night of uni." Well, that's what I always wanted, to have friends and go on adventures like that and have fun like that. But I don't. I have zero friends. I have no emotions. I have no fun. I'm not happy. And I'm not even thin!

So why am I saying all this? I'm saying that I'm done. It's over. I through looking. I don't need friends. I don't need them to be happy. There is only one thing that I need: to be thin. If I can grasp the control over my life, lose 20 pounds, stay strong...then I'll be happy, I'll be satisfied. So I'm not going to eat anymore. Just the bare minimum. This is self-destruction at its finest. I mean, who do those girls think I am anyway?! I suppose they know that I'm a bit reserved. But what if I said to them on Monday, "So thanks for getting back to me about Thursday night!" I should put them on the spot like that. What would they say? What does that tell me about them? Those bitches. Those Christian, youth-group goers, family-oriented, two-faced, no-good bitches. All this talk is probably making me seem very ugly, I'm sorry.

So I guess that's that. I've finally found the motivation to stop eating. I have no one and probably I never will. So I might as well stop eating and lose this weight. At least it keeps me busy, happy, goal-oriented, mentally strong...I only have myself. It's time to do this right. Once and for all.

Shameless

So I just finished watching the first episode of Shameless, the new series. I found it completely thinspiring, throughout the whole episode. For weird reasons. Emmy Rossum's in it, and she's pretty in this natural kind of way. Plus, she's thin. It shows her working so hard to support her 5 siblings. And just watching her do all this work, not having a lot to eat/time to eat, made me want to work harder to get thinner. Whatever. I'm just gonna say, it's an amazing show. It made me feel not so glum about my future. Weight hasn't gone down. Calculus hasn't been dented. But I'm working on it. I swear.

This is not about being sad. This is about control. I just talked to my parents. (About calculus.) The fact that I talked to them is driving me insane. I feel like I just admitted defeat. Or gave in. Or succumbed. Or displayed weakness. I never talk to them. I never express my emotions to them. My mother told me that most of the time I act like a grown woman, not an 18 year old. Yeah, well... I feel exposed. I mean, I realize that I needed to talk to somebody about calculus. They just happened to be the only people I'm not afraid of. I can't believe I actually talked to them. Anyway. What I really want to do is thank everyyyone who commented on my vlog post. I am so in love with you all.

I need the get the control back in my life. I need time to see this through. I need time. I need to focus on myself. What makes me happy. What made me drop to 90 lb two years ago. What keeps me alive. I need to figure this out. If I don't then I 'm just a lost cause.

Seriously

For real, I have had it with being sick. This cold is driving me up the wall. My eyes have probably leaked a whole fucking litre of water in the past 2 days. (Exaggeration.) And I can't sleep properly because my nose is plugged and my eyes keep watering and my throat is swollen. It's been extremely hard to focus these past few days. I'm so tired of being a fat unhealthy sick little pig. When I get better, which should be by Monday, it's back to business as usual. I mean it. It's extremely important that I lose AT LEAST 4 lb by Friday because I have...THREE potential dates. That's right. Anti-Social Alisha has 3 boys who want to go out with her. But I suppose it makes more sense when I tell you: these boys barely know me. Anyway, we'll see how it goes. But there is NO WAY I'm going out with ANYONE if I don't look skinny enough. Must be 105 lb or less.

The current time is 5:07 PM on January 8, 2011. Operation "Catch-Up-On-Six-Calculus-Classes" now commencing. Estimated time of completion is 11:30 PM on Sunday January 9, 2011.