Insanity

As much as I feel recovered, I still have weird feelings about eating. For example, I don't have a problem with eating McDonald's once in a blue moon, but I WILL NOT, under ANY circumstances, order it myself or eat it in the restaurant. I feel self-conscious, as if people are looking at me and thinking, omg why is she eating that. I also won't buy unhealthy junk from the store by myself. I just won't. Maybe I feel like it's not "me." By that I mean that maybe being unhealthy is something that I won't ever be able to do normally. I don't really have a problem with this.

I start school in 12 days. I'd like to get really toned up by then. Totally possible with my metabolism. I just need to focus on eating healthy and exercising. I'm going to start the Insanity program tomorrow. For those of you who don't know what Insanity is, I suggest you look it up! I'm so excited for how my body will look once I complete the program!

I Wanna Feel The Warmth From The Buzz I Create

I've been thinking lots about the person I've become and the person I'd like to be. I miss the spaces in between, and I hate the emptiness of everything. We say but never mean (it). I want to figure out everything about myself, the world, and the way it works. I want to have it 100 times better than my parents ever had it. I'm ready to go out and start living my life. I'm ready to make friendships that will last for the rest of my life. I'm not afraid anymore. Stepping into the unknown is part of growing up.

Sometimes we all get lost in who we think we should be. Sometimes we just get lost. There's nothing wrong with needing to be found. That's where I'm at right now.

Health

I feel like I owe my followers on here an explanation. I started writing this entry on June 28, but abandoned it…Nearly two months have gone by. I can't even describe the strangeness of my life as of late. I am a new person. I think I am recovered. And to think, I did it all by myself. I cannot believe I used to live off 500 calories per day. I can't believe I managed to spend 2 hours at the gym after only eating 200 calories. I have realized that I really am not fat. With my increased eating, I've been building lots of muscle and I look toned and, soon, I will have that Miranda Kerr body I've always dreamed of. I think of this blogging community a lot. I remember how I used to scoff when girls would write about getting better or "living;" look at me now. I remember the mountains of support you all gave me. And I can't help but smile because this whole thing was/is such a pleasant experience. True, ED was/is like an abusive boyfriend, but I still do feel like I'm missing a part of myself sometimes. I'm told that this will get better with time.

I just weighed myself, only for the purpose of this blog. I am about 118 lb. But that doesn’t bother me. I look great! I feel great! I am healthy. And I can eat whatever I want and not gain weight. Literally. I’ve actually trained my body to crave healthy foods, and now, junk food just doesn’t agree with me. (Although, I WILL have cheesecake for dessert if I’m at a restaurant!)

It’s been almost four months since my decision to be healthy. I start school in a little over two weeks. That scares me. I won’t have as much control over my meal times, which might mess up my metabolism. That’s why I’m going to create a schedule based around my classes, so I WON’T mess up my metabolism. Me and my therapist are scared that I might fall back into my ED when school starts. I have mixed feelings about this. It scares me, but at the same time, I am reminded of all the “adventures” I had. Funny, I know. Anyway, I’m about to catch up on all your blogs. I may not comment, but I’m reading. OH, and follow me on tumblr! http://petiteetbelle.tumblr.com/ ALSO: if you have a Pottermore account, add me as a friend: goldmoon77 I’m a Gryffindor!