Overboard

I haven't gone overboard in a long time. Something possessed me this morning to have a really BIG snack: bread (110), olive oil (60), cheese (40), and nutella (75). That's a 285-calorie snack! With 15 grams of fat! Holy crap. NOW I'm pissed at myself. I wanted today to be a rest day, but in 10 minutes I'm dragging myself to the gym to do 35 minutes on the elliptical, 10 minutes in the rowing machine and 20 minutes of strength training. The reason I'm extra pissed is because tomorrow we're hosting a wedding shower and my mom isn't serving the healthiest food. I'm nervous about it. I was HOPING today would be perfect so if I slipped tomorrow, it wouldn't be so bad. BUT NO. I fucked up. Now I'm going to the gym and I'll have to be extra diligent tomorrow.

I'm really agitated at the fact that I'm not losing weight. I suppose I need to push HARDER and be more FOCUSED about my diet. This is the summer I become ripped.

Community Life

The problem is that I don't even know what to make of my weight loss. I'm TRYING to lose weight, but I'm not. At least I look great, even if no weight has been lost. The fact is, I don't mind not losing weight, as long as I look good in the mirror. It's strange. Health has really taken to me. And it's like everything's on my side. The amount of control I have over myself is incredible. And I can go to restaurants and still be perfectly safe! I never go overboard because I have secured control. So, I come here, on this site, and I don't know what to say. All I know is that support is always here and that you are all the most wonderful people I know of.

I got a one-month gym membership yesterday, and I plan on going everyday until it expires. My goal used to be model-thin. But now, I just want to look like a Victoria's Secret angel. And to be completely honest, I could get there by June/July. I'm capable. I guess, with this entry, I was trying to say that I don't know if I fit in here (in this community) as much as I used to. But I'll continue to have this blog, no matter what. It's an outlet. xx

A Change in the Weather

I do not binge. I do not over-eat. I do not crave high-fat or high-sugar foods. I have no desire to order a dessert. I do not get hungry. I do not get moody. I am very much in love with life. I am thinner than I was when I restricted. I started out aiming to eat 1000 calories a day, but, at this point, I don't really count. I just focus on being healthy and somehow I eat less than 1000 calories a day, without trying. I am getting back into exercise and I feel great.

It seems to me that I'm in limbo. I still get nervous when my mom asks me what I want for dinner. (But when dinner comes, I always make a healthy choice.) I am learning how to balance. For instance, when I was restricting, if I would have Nutella, I'd end up with a fat bloated tummy. But, now, I can have a tablespoon of Nutella and still have a flat tummy the next day! (Of course, I don't have Nutella everyday anymore. My mind and body are healthy and doesn't need/want it as often.) If anyone has any questions about what I'm doing, just ask, I'm so happy to give advice!

New Perspective

The strangest of things is happening to me. For the past month, extreme laziness has overtaken me. I have not gone outside in 3 weeks. I have not exercised, in the slightest, in 4 weeks. I have been maintaining my weight by eating like a normal healthy person; it is so strange, so foreign to me. I haven't been updating as much because nothing new or interesting has been happening to me. But I'm getting bored of that. Shocker. Haha. I want to start successfully losing weight again. So today, I'm ACTUALLY going to exercise. It's the most beautiful day and I want to create happy memories for myself.

I was going though my old journals the other day, from when I was really really thin. I've decided to do things similar to what I did back then. I'm keeping my calories between 800-1000 per day, eating every 2 hours, and eating whole foods, mostly fruits and vegetables and lean protein. I am always satisfied and I never crave. It's quite a beautiful thing. AND my tummy is flat and never bloated. Truth be told, I want to prove to myself how STRONG I can become. My hatred for my parents does not have to consume me; I can become thin at the same time.