Calculus War

I need to be studious. I had over a month to do all this calculus. I haven't done ONE QUESTION. I need to be studious. If I do not catch up on a semester's worth of calculus by January 2, I will have to drop out of school and work for a year. I don't want my life to come to that. I have to WORK HARD at this calculus shit. It HAS to be done. I promise myself that I'll do it. I'll make it. I'll catch up by January 2. It's going to be rough, but I'll make it. I promise. I am going to be the student I always dreamed I would be, the student I tried to be in September 2010. I swear to fucking God, this will be my year. I swear this time I mean it. January 2 is also the day I start hitting the gym everyday. See, the plan is that I catch up on ALL my school work by January 2, so that I CAN go to the gym. I weighed myself today. 114.2 lb. Weird, because I swear I got fatter... Anyway. Eating will be perfect. I'm creating a meal plan and a list of safe foods and forbidden foods and once-in-a-while foods. Exercise will be daily. I want to lose 5 lb in January. WHICH I WILL.

So how are you ringing in the new year?

I am full of shit.

Sorry, for my absence.
I am seriously full of shit.
There is so much I need to say and figure out. I'll do a real update soon.
I just really need to figure my shit out.
I've gotten really fat. I know this because my underwear doesn't even fit anymore. I'm a fat-ass, literally.
I'm fixing this, I swear.
I swear.
I'll fix this.
I don't want to be full of shit anymore.

Inspirational Rambling

I have written up everything I need to change in my life and how I plan to change those things. I realize that I'm not doing this for anyone except me. No one cares if I change my life. M won't care, she probably never will. No one cares if I lose weight or if I look like Karlie Kloss. I'm doing this for ME, and only me. I'm the only one who'll give a shit about me in the end. And I need that. I need to know I can do it for myself, my own confidence. Any time I give into cravings, and allow myself junk like ice cream, I am only letting myself down, setting myself back. No more. I'm making a change in my life. I don't want to look back and see how much time I wasted.

I'm making myself better. Stronger. 2012 will see a brand new Alisha. I love all you girls, anyone who comments on my posts, anyone who bothers to read. You're amazing. I'm so glad I have this community to fall back on. Tell me how you're doing. Tell me if you have plans to make yourself better. We're in this together. xx

Internet Addiction

Okay, so my non-carb diet thing isn't gonna work for me, haha, go figure. I think I'll just stick to healthy eating and exercising. It doesn't look like I'll be able to get to 105 lb by Christmas, but I think I can make it to 110 lb by New Year's Eve, IF I work hard. IF IF IF. Here's my problem. I have been a lazy piece of shit for a very long time and I am finding it very hard to not be lazy. I have breakfast, and then I'm back in bed blogging, then I have lunch, then I go back to blogging in bed, and mostly I am on my macbook all day. I need to quit the habit. It is making me extremely unhealthy. I have a plan to get out of this Internet addiction thing. I will go to bed before midnight. I will wake up by 9. After breakfast, I will NOT turn on my macbook. I will get ready for the day. I will be productive. I will exercise. Internet time will be reserved for the evenings and for no more than 2 hours, plus one hour of TV. [The only exception is M. (See what I did there, talk about cheesy.) If she wants to talk to me on Facebook or Skype, my time is unlimited.]

Part 2 of my job hunt is tomorrow. Handing out my resume everywhere. I can't wait to start making my own money. Tomorrow will be a good day. The beginning of a new me. No more being lazy. I'll lose weight, put on muscle, tone up, and look super sexy for January. And I'll only get sexier. After my job hunt tomorrow, I'll go to the gym. It'll be good. I'm excited.

A New Life Awaits

There are bones underneath all this fat. I know they're there. It's just a matter of getting them to come out of hiding. I don't have to become a skeleton. That's not what I want. I just want to be thinner. I want to become all muscle and get rid of this fat that's accumulated on my body. So I have a plan. It has finally hit home how important it is for me to get a job. I need independence. I need control. I need to be an adult. I need to make my life my own. I've finished my resume and gotten some references. Tomorrow I am going out and handing out my resume everywhere. I'd rather work close to campus because when I move out, my place will be close to campus and that way I can keep that same job. I know that I'll be getting a job soon and I already feel more in control of my life! It's incredible. Once I get my job, my parents won't be able to nag me about anything. I won't need to ask them for anything. I'll have an excuse to spend time away from the house. Ahhh, so excited!

The second part of my plan is diet. I've decided to make a complete change in my eating. I'm going to cut out all carbs, like bread, rice, sugar, pasta, potatoes, etc. I'm allowed fruits and veggies and chicken. And I will try to avoid red meat when I can. I don't eat cheese anyway, but I'm cutting that, too. This is gonna be a hard transition, but I'll ease into it. So for breakfast, I'll have a shit-ton of egg whites and a shit-ton of fruit. We'll see how it goes. If I can't take it for a week, I'll make a new plan. But I'm really excited to try this and make it work! I'm gonna be sooooo skinny for the end of the month! 

Sappy Stuff and Slump Update

I am consumed by thoughts of her. M. I guess it's harder to move on if I'm such good friends with her. It's so dumb: I wait for her online for hours, even until 2 AM. But she doesn't come on. She has a girlfriend and is probably happy. With her. She's probably with her. At least she's happy. I hope the best for her. She deserves it. The truth is, I'd turn it all around for her. I wish I could tell her. For her, I'll always choose "accept." "Ignore" is only for the rest of them. We had our thing. We dealed. And she chose the other girl. I'll get through this. Her heart was just a mailbox and was wasting too much of my hard earned cash on stamps anyway.

I'm nervous to apply for jobs. I've never done it before and I have no experience to back me up. But I suppose I have to bite my lip and do it. I need to do this. It's necessary for my survival. This house is too depressing. My parents make me very angry. They make me depressed. Being depressed causes me to go into a slump and I never want to leave the room. That makes me fat. I still haven't exercised. It's been over two weeks since I exercised. Gross. My eating has been average. I swear I need to get out of this slump. It's time I did something about it MYSELF. I don't want to slip back into my dangerous ED habits, but I feel like my weight loss is the only thing I can control right now, it's the only thing that is MINE, that could make me HAPPY. So tomorrow, I'll try to be the healthiest I've been in two weeks by getting up early, eating every two hours (mostly fruits/vegetables), and doing a simple 30 minute exercise routine. The exercise won't be intense. Just something to get me back into the swing of things. It'll be exercises like jumping-jacks, push-ups, squats, lunges, and stretches.

Slump and Rant

I haven't been posting because I've been going through a slump. I'm sure we've all gone through one and we all know that they suck. Basically, I've been sitting around, doing nothing for the past week. Absolutely nothing. I was feeling guilty because I said I'd start my diet/workout routine this week, but I realized that I am going through a slump. Slumps pass and I need this week to relax. Sometimes we just NEED to sit around and do nothing. First semester is over and I could not be happier.  Remember that I said I wanted to take last week to study and ACE my two tests? Well, I was full of shit. I barely studied. I think I failed my calculus test and maybe just passed my Italian test. This really sucks because now I have to work EXTRA hard in second semester. I'm on academic probation for Christ's sake, what the fuck is wrong with me!? I am going to use this month I have off to catch up with all my studying. I will go into second semester full of motivation and drive to do well. I will be the university student I have always wanted to be. I will be studious and I will always have time to work out. I am going to do this.

My home situation isn't looking very good right now. My parents are up my ass about everything. I am 19 years old and in university. They cannot keep treating me like I'm in high school. Every time they talk to me, they ask me about school and how much I'm studying. I acknowledge that I never study, but it is none of their business. It's none of their business if I'm up until 2 AM on the Internet. I wish they could just leave me alone to do my own thing. They also think I'm an alcoholic. And because of that, they have revoked my car privileges. I am only allowed the car to go to school and back. I cannot use the car to socialize. If I want to go out, I have to take the bus. The problem is I live too far to take the bus to where my friends are. It's such bullshit. And to top it all off, my curfew is 1:30 AM.  What. The. Fuck. If I get to the club at 11, I'm not going to leave in 90 minutes to get home by 1:30! Complete bullshit. But I can't do anything about it because if I want to live under their roof I have to follow their rules. One night, they flat out told me that they're tired of having to deal with me and that I should just move out. I DO want to move out (BADLY), but I have no money and I've never had a job.

If my parents continue to attempt to control me like this, my ED will come back for sure. The differences between my parents and I are too great. This has been building up over the past few years and it's peaked now. I really do hate my parents. One day, I will leave them forever. The other day, I wanted to go to M's place to watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show with her. I told them I was already on campus, and asked if I could just go over to M's place, watch the show then come home. M lives 5 minutes from campus. My dad was like "NO, no car, you can come home and watch it, anyway we don't trust M, I had a bad dream about her so I don't trust her." WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK. He doesn't trust M because of a BAD DREAM?!?! I lost it at that point. I am done talking to them. I think they're full of shit. I think my mum suspects that me and M have a thing, so that's her reason for not wanting me to see her, but I AM FUCKING 19, you cannot tell me who I can and can't hang out with. UGH. I ended up hanging out with M most of the day anyway (behind their backs) and my mom bitched at me because I came home at 8:30, when I originally said I'd be home at 6:30, EVEN THOUGH I called and said I'd be late. I have to find a job. I'm nervous about getting one, but I have to do it. If any of you lovelies have any advice, feel free to share! End rant. I hope by Monday, my slump will be over and I can start losing weight again...