25 Days Left

There are 25 days until my 19th birthday. I would like to look at least decent by then. I may not make 93 lb by then, but I can try to make it to 105. I don't know what my weight is, but I'm going to assume it's 114 lb. Ever since I finished school, my mind has shut down completely. My head is extremely heavy. I cannot think, read, write, move... I am overcome with extreme laziness. My body has lost all of its tone due to lack of exercise/movement. But I am eating really healthy so I'm not gaining weight. I just really wish I had the motivation to exercise...I suppose I'll get it eventually.

I think today I'll do some Pilates. Any exercise is better than nothing. I want to be happy. So I'm doing this. I think I could be really really pretty if I was thinner. I know I could be. So I'm doing this.

Back

So who hates me? Haha. I got so many messages on tumblr from you girls saying how much I am missed. I died inside. For real. I got some shit figured out during my absence. And it's only been two weeks. Omg, I'm dying, hahahahaha. Time to do this for real. I figured out that I am an extremely passionate person and I tend to take things too much to heart. But at the end of the day, it's my passion that will always save me. It will save me from things that I can't control, that make me sad, that threaten to flatten me. This is why it's important to find your passion and use it to set fire to your world. The only thing I can think about is making my youth last. We're not getting old, we're just getting vintage. We'll find ourselves in thrift shops and antique stores someday. I'll make this better and I'll be better and I'll be more in control of my life than I ever was. This has become more of a race against myself than anything else. Weight loss is my passion. This is my passion.

Everything we do is watched and recorded, so lets try finding some new exits and new ways to time it all out. Let's give ourselves something real this time. i have to catch up on your blogs. is this gonna be awkward?

Farewell

My lovelies, I guess this is it. I've decided to stop blogging here. I have come across so many special people on this blog. I've formed friendships, I've gained insight into how people think and feel. I am grateful for the "experience" that this blog has given me. But I'm not focusing on myself and my life and my world as much as I should be. I need to focus on my own issues before thinking about anyone else's. There are things in my life that I need to seriously deal with, like my weight loss. I need to deal with THAT firstly. I need to focus on school, secondly. I need to develop my real life social and verbal skills, thirdly. I need to branch out and try new things, take up photography, write short stories, read more books, fourthly. I would really life to see what's really out there, what life has to offer, what I am truly capable of. This is not good-bye, for I will be back some day.

Losing weight has become of utmost importance to me and I really feel no desire to write about it, talk about it, or hear about it. I just want to DO IT and succeed. On my own. It's hard to explain what I'm really trying to say. Here's a quote from one of my favourite books, Marya Hornbacher's Wasted: "Eating-disordered people, for the most part, don't talk to one another. It is usually not a little sorority where it's all done in a very companionable way. It's usually intensely private." I have a tumblr which I use as my outlet for inspiration and beauty and the occasional rant. Follow me, ask me things :) we can be tumblr friends: clicky!= http://petiteetbelle.tumblr.com/

This song came out, like, five years ago when I was just a little 13 year old. Anyway, it always reminds me of moving on and how great things are to come and how "life's waiting to begin." It's for you. Thank-you to everyone and anyone who followed me and commented and supported me when I needed it. You are the most incredible people. xo

It Begins Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day I ease my way into independence, into complete control over my life. I can do this. I can make myself my own. I can be thin. I can lose 10 lb in two weeks. I am strong. I have done it before and I will do it again. No more failing. I am making myself new. I will be everything I have ever wanted to be. Tomorrow I will write my biology exam, then go to the gym for an hour, shower and drive to the mall. I will go to Apple and get an estimate on repairing my iTouch. Then I'll pick up some sushi, go to the bookstore and purchase Shape magazine, after which I will sit down eat what I can while reading Shape. Then I'll drive back to UTM, go straight to the library and read Moby Dick until I am ready to fall asleep. Then I'll drive home, skip dinner, and watch Make It or Break It. Then I'll learn how to use my Canon SX10IS until The United States of Tara comes on.

Tomorrow will be The Best Day. It will be the start of something new. My new life. Things are going to be different this time. I want to be happy. In 10 years, I want to be proud of the person I am today, of the amount of will power I displayed, how thin I managed to get. From now on, I will never again lose sight of what's really important to me: being thin and in control.

Plan

-Shower

-Spend the next 5 hours studying for French

-Eat some veggies

-Head to French exam

-Do my best to pass

-Come home and study biology until midnight.

The saddest realization of finals week is this: I paid for 5 courses this year; I will most likely be walking away with only 2 credits. It wasn't my year. But it's going to be my summer. So far, I've had 150 calories. Not going to go over 500. Today is going to be perfect. I can feel it. It's fluttering in my stomach.

Almost There

You guys are just so amazing. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. My face lit up when I saw all your comments last post. I have no words. xo Economics was bad, but not so bad. I wrote psychology today and it went swell. Tomorrow I write French, and I am scared shitless. Okay, gonna speed up this entry and start studying. Monday I write Biology. I'm almost done! I'm thinking of transferring universities. I hate UTM, it was my last choice, I hate living at home, and my therapist has made me realize that I will never be able to "get over" my ED issues if I continue to live at home and "let" my parents control me. So I'm looking into applying to YorkU and, since my parents will probably refuse to pay for residency, I'll have to look into getting a student loan, which may suck, but it's better than hating life.

^That's basically how I dress for school, like, everyday. That picture of Karlie makes me so happy. I just can't wait until I lose all my hip fat so I can wear cropped tops and look so cute and so sexy. Lately, I have been eating the bare minimum. The fact is, I don't even feel like eating. It's become a chore. I'm not even kidding, I'm just so bored of eating and I'm too tired to eat and there are so many other wonderful things to do and accomplish so how can I even think about eating?! But, in any case, my weight's not budging because I haven't been at the gym since last week due to finals. Whatever. On Monday, if the weather's nice, I am going to go for the longest run of my life outside. (If the weather is bad, I'll settle for the treadmill.)

plan

-Shower

-Eat something. Anything. I'm so empty.

-Study psych

-Read biology

-Look at economics notes

-Head to 8 PM econ exam.

-Fail

-Drive home

-Sleep

I Guess This Is It

I'M GOING TO FAIL I'M GOING TO FAIL. ECONOMICS EXAM IN 36 HOURS AND I HAVE NOT STARTED STUDYING. THERE IS NOT ENOUGH TIME. I. AM. GOING. TO. FAIL. IT'S INEVITABLE. JESUS. FUCKING. CHRIST. I THINK I MISSED THE DEADLINE TO WITHDRAW. THIS IS GOING TO HAUNT MY ACADEMIC RECORD FOR ALL ETERNITY. FUCK. FUCK. WHAT DO I DO.

Starve to death. What else, stupid. Go insane. Overdose. I don't know. You worthless piece of shit.

Okay, Miss. Calm down. You have 3 other subjects to study for. Don't fail them, too. Please...

I need to breath. I need to focus on my other 3 subjects. The reality is that I am going to fail economics. All these nights spent stressing...it was all for nothing. This is all very painful. But all will be well soon, when my skin is papery thin and pale and I float and fat is nonexistent and...I'm 93 lb.

Next Day Syndrome

Well. Um. This is embarrassing, but, uh.... Today was a bust. I fucked up, yes, big time, I binged. I don't purge anymore, I don't have the energy. I woke up with whatever I ate yesterday still in my stomach so I wasn't hungry, but my OCD compelled me to have my usual breakfast, despite the fact that it was 12 noon. I had a few chocolate covered biscuits and chocolate, despite telling myself 1000 times that I was supposed to making positive changes in my life today. I made brownies and ate some, despite the murderous pain in my already-full stomach. That is a very long day of bingeing made very short. I am exhausted. It's been one of those days where you just can't wait for the next day to come so you can start over fresh.

I'm starting fresh tomorrow. It'll be a perfect Sunday. I'll wake up by 9 AM, have a light breakfast, and wash my hair. I'll study economics from 10:30-3, then have an apple and straighten my hair. I'll study psychology from 4-6, then have a yogurt and drive to the library and study French until 10 PM. Sounds perfect. Let's see if I'm not completely full of shit. If tomorrow goes something like that, then I'm not full of shit. If I screw up, that means I'm full of shit and incapable of accomplishing anything. (Yes, I'm an extremist.)

I've been seeing my therapist and it's going swell. She has made me realize so many things about my life and who I am. She has helped me realize how controlling my parents have actually been my entire life. They have always had the best intentions, but they didn't realize that they went about it the wrong way. Everything my parents have ever done to me was so they could have better control over me. Looking back, it makes so much sense! I hate my parents so much, more than ever now, after realizing all this. They did this to me, I'm screwed up because of them. But my therapist says she will help me pick myself up and move on. I can't wait to get up.