Skinny For Summer

Oh my God, I wasn't expecting all the love you guys gave me in that last post! My heart melted! I am going to get back to you on all your comments. I love you all very much. I can't explain it. Anyway. Lately, when I stand up, I get dizzy and sway and go blind for a few seconds. It's a LONG few seconds. It annoys me, and it's either because I'm not eating enough or I'm extremely tired. Who cares anyway. I like it. I like feeling thinner. I like not eating. I like how eating now makes me sick. I like being able to wear wife beaters and skinny jeans. I am getting smaller. I'll check my weight on Saturday, as usual. Once a week is good enough, it keeps me sane.

Tomorrow is my last day of classes. Oh thank the heavenly father I am still alive after those disastrous six months. Tomorrow is my last day of classes. After tomorrow, I think I will just stay in my room and study for exams and just not eat. At all. Only breakfast, chicken for lunch, and an apple for dinner. C'est ça. Skinny for summer.

Does anyone think that victory is possible without facing danger?

I was watching Peal Harbor (I HAVE NOT FINISHED IT YET, PLEASE DON'T SPOIL IT!) and I am really really sad. I mean, who would fall in love with me? What sort of boy wants to be with a girl who is afraid of food, who sticks her face in a toilet every once in a while? This is really awful. Every night, I have Nutella. I'm sick of it. I still manage to get away with less than 500 calories a day, but my body is going to store the Nutella. I don't want it to be this way. So I'm through. I am never eating Nutella again. It's not okay. It's not part of the person I want to be. I was thinking the other day that in 10 years, I would be ashamed of the person I am now. I don't want that. I want to be PROUD of myself 10 years from now. I want to be strong and beautiful. I want to be able to look back and see that I was good at something and that I succeeded.

I want to lose 10 lb so I can have the confidence to talk to people, be able to wear cute clothes, attract boys... I want to be dashingly beautiful. I want to make boys look twice. I bet I could be real charming and sweep a boy off his feet, if I could just get the confidence. From now on, I will simply focus on getting to 100 lb. That's all. Nothing else matters because everything else centres around being 100 lb. I hope you are all doing well. xo

You're All I Want, You're All I Need

I'm not the most religious person, but this gets me every time. Every time.

Pointers

I wasn't hungry. I haven't been hungry in over two weeks; my body is used to 400 cals per day. But at 11:30 PM I was trying to read my Psychology text book. I was having a really hard time because I simply could not focus. So I had a teaspoon each of "unnecessary" almond butter and Nutella. I commenced to feel guilty; did 25 pushups, 20 squats, and 40 high-kicks; and started reading Psychology like a bad-ass. I'm trying to make two points here. A little food (next time, it WON'T be fat) at night won't kill me, if it helps me study(point 1). And the only reason I felt the need to eat was because I had reading to do. I had wasted about 3 hours earlier, which is why I was up so late studying. Had I studied EARLIER, I would not have had to force myself to eat something just so I could study (point 2). Yayyy. I came up with another tip.

On a different note, my muscles are all really sore and running today was hard. I had to walk for a minute every 5 minutes... I think tomorrow I'll just do cardio. 30 minutes on the elliptical, 20 minutes on the bike, 10 minutes walking/running. And of course, my push-ups and pull-ups, that's standard. By the wayyyy. I feel so bad about this, but I noticed that I was nominated for Versatile blogger a couple times. Thanks so much, you lovely petals! I'm just too, uh, lazy to do that, uh, special post thingy for it. asdjfkasjfdsoembarrassed.

Credibility

I just want to spend the rest of my life being independent, in control, and doing what I love. I mean, I'm such a city girl. A hipster, if you will. I can't wait until my passion becomes a reality. I'm barely eating these days and I'm getting smaller and my muscles are constantly on fire. I feel as though I have tarnished my "credibility" as a "self-sufficient" girl by telling my parents my problems and asking for a therapist. But, I'm sure therapy will help me in the long run. I am becoming a better person. I am starting to let myself go out more. I am observing people. The other day, a girl I knew from high school invited me to go to the library with her, where I noticed how so many different people would come up to her/us and say hi and make conversation! It was amazing! My interest in social psychology was bursting and I was in awe of the fact that...friendships exist! I was amazed that people have personalities and they talk and they help each other out and they comment on each other's "pretty eyes" and six degrees of separation is a true fact!

Anyway, I was thinking that I could stay like this forever. Eating less than 500 calories a day, with maybe one cheat day, and running all the time and being busy instead of eating...I mean, there are mountains of things to do other than eat! According to my calculations, I should be 103 lb by April 1. Right on schedule. I can't believe I've beaten the binge. I've come so far. Less than two more weeks of classes, then I'm DONE (except exams). I can't wait for summer and to be back in the 100 lb zone and wearing cute clothes and being tiny and not having to wear a jacket...and being satisfied.

Why I've Been So Distant/Lowest Weight Pictures

-Instead of blogging about it, I do something about it.

-I do push-ups. I stretch. I do calf raises for 2 minutes while my tea steeps.

-I'm too busy focusing on things other than food/eating, that I literally forget about it (hence, giving me nothing to blog about).

Essentially, I don't even THINK about eating, thinspo, etc. I have my plan and I stick to it. All I really know, is that I have to workout for at least an hour everyday and that I can't eat fat and that I can only eat every 4-5 hours. It's hard to explain. And if I go on the Internet, I just check what's new on Youtube and Tumblr for about 15 minutes, after which I get bored, so then I read, study, or do some calisthenics. I have realized that I just have to stop worrying about what I'm going to eat, and merely eat the bare minimum. Enough to get by. Food was never the problem. It was just me.

Mark my words. I'll be in the 90 lb range for my 19th birthday on May 24. I am laughing at how I used to let food control me. I am laughing at how I used to let little things get in my way. Regardless of how shitty I feel, an hour at the gym will ALWAYS make me happy. That's why I make myself go; it'll be worth it. Tomorrow, I'm going to set the scene for a good week, by not having any Nutella. Anyway, I hope I've inspired some of you! I'll catch up on your blogs after my French test tomorrow! xo Oh yeah, here's pictures of me when I was a skinny bitch. 95-ish lb. I'm in the white shirt. Ignore the strangeness of the pictures, it was after Warped Tour '08.

Two Weeks B/P Free

Literally, I haven't been on Blogger. Life has been so busy. I'm trying to use my time wisely and be more productive. Learn new things. Read books. Go outside. Take pictures. Study harder. Sleep. Of course, I am full of shit when it comes to studying. I get so exhausted by the end of the day that I don't study. I did not put even ONE hour of studying for my Economics test, which I probably got zero on today. But I had time, hours and hours of time. I have a French test on Monday, which I'll be better on. I'm prepared. As predicted, my mom freaked out when I told her I wanted to lose 15 lb, but whatever. I told her she can nag me about eating all she wants because, at the end of the day, I will do what I want to do with MY life. My parents are sooo concerned about me. I am kinda kicking myself for telling them, but I don't want to become psychotic in the future. Social anxiety sucks. Everyone around me has friends and can talk to people. I am going to try to fix my problem while I've still got time.

These days, exercising is my life. I exercise hard-core everyday. And I'm getting stronger. I can feel it. That's why I don't understand why I'm so exhausted by the end of the day. Maybe it has something to do with eating less than 500 calories a day...haha. I'm working on being able to do 10 consecutive pull-ups, with zero assistance. Right now I'm using 30 lb of assistance and I work my way down in 10 lb increments. I can also do about 30 real push-ups in a row. I look and feel great. HOWEVER, the numbers aren't changing on the scale. The numbers always piss me off. So I'm going to try to weigh myself only once a week from now on. I KNOW I'm getting thinner, I can feel it and see it, but I'm probably building some muscle, too.

My main goal is to get thin and toned for summer. I gave up bread for Lent and I have not binged or purged in two weeks! That's incredible. Obviously, I only have one trigger. But the thing is...my sacrifice has made me feel more spiritual and I want to be more spiritual, as well. Like every time I wanted bread, I stared at it and thought, "I sacrificed this for Jesus." And I walk away. My ONLY problem: Nutella. Yup. I have a whole spoon of it at night. Bad. I'd be perfect without it. So gradually, I'll stop eating that, too, just like the bread.

Shit.

I just told my mother everything (minus the restricting part).
Shit shit shit.
Starting tomorrow, I don't come home until 8pm.

Keep Calm And Carry On

I have lost 5 lb this week. Here's how it works. I've been eating 400-500 calories everyday, and my only carbs (grains) come from half a cup of whole grain muesli in the morning and two tablespoons of rice in the evening. BUT, I have been letting myself have 50 calories of chocolate each night because that way I don't crave it or binge. I have been burning 200-400 calories each day. I stretch everyday. I feel great.

My parents are extremely annoying, but for the most part, I simply ignore them. I gave up bread for Lent, and my stupid dad was like, "You can hardly give up bread, you're so thin, you really are." I said, "Oh, my GOD," and dropped it. I'm not going to argue or explain myself, even though I have logical reasons. They KNOW that I binge on bread and that it's the only thing making me maintain/gain weight. They also know that I'm not thin, but the last thing they want is me losing weight. Even if I was overweight, they wouldn't want me losing weight for fear I'd go back to being anorexic. Those motherfuckers, I hate them so much, they know nothing about anything. *Keep calm and carry on.*

I think my parents want to take us out for dinner before the concert tonight. I'll get something light, I'm really not in the mood to screw up my progress. I'm hoping to lose at least 2 more lb by Tuesday. I'm gonna burn soooo many calories jumping around at the show tonight...!

Quick Update

Tomorrow I'm going to the gym first thing in the morning. I'm making such great progress. I look better, I feel better, I have more energy...! I'm thrilled. I am hoping to lose 4 more lb by Tuesday. I used the elliptical today, which was a cool change since I have never actually used it. I confirmed today that I am, in fact, too heavy for the treadmill. I constantly felt like I was going to fall over my own weight and my body thudding on the belt was throwing me off. I'll use it again when I'm less than 106 lb. I'm going to see Down With Webster on Saturday. I was hoping to be less than 100 lb by now because I wanted to attempt to hook up with the lead singer, Pat, but that's not gonna happen, I'm too fat right now. I've given up bread for Lent. It is a sacrifice I have made for Jesus.

Tomorrow: Gym: warm-up, weight lift, abs, run indoor track for 25 min, Elliptical for 20 min, stretch 10 min. Food: muesli breakfast, apple for lunch, yogurt snack, spaghetti squash for dinner. Study french and read bio. Oh and just to clarify, the picture I posted of the gym hottie is as legitimate as it gets. Those girls weren't some hired whores at a club. Our school had a sex-themed pub night. Great excuse to wear your underwear in public. I really wish I knew him...but as if he'd ever give me a change, let alone a glance. I'm not in his league, YET. I WILL be, very soon. I salivate every time I look at that photo, for Christ's sake...I couldn't stop grinning when I saw all your comments. Love you all. xo I hope everyone is doing well and staying positive!

Winner

I managed to calm my nerves and went to the gym today for the first time in..two weeks. Here's what I noticed. I've gotten so heavy that I can't hold myself up when I run on the treadmill. It sounds really bad, but that's what happens when you gain 15 lb in a month! My body isn't used to the weight. I stopped running and spent 30 minutes on the stationary bike. I suppose I'm going to have to ease myself back into running... Oh well, it'll get better once the weight starts coming off. I've been good today. My main focus is regaining control over my body and my life. No more being sad. I'm doing something about it. And about getting therapy: I realize that my ED issues are tied in with my current social anxiety, but I also realize that my anxiety is tied in with the sudden lack of confidence due to extreme weight gain. Therefore, once I get down to [at least] 100-103 lb, my happy weight, I'll be "back to normal." Confidence will be boosted, anxiety will be reduced. Four weeks of classes left. I'm studying like a dog. I will be in control.

So far I've had 350 calories. For dinner, I'm going to have scrambled egg whites (30) and steamed asparagus (20). Wow, that'll make my total only 400! Good job, Lishy.

A Deadline and Felice Fawn

That last post was about my agoraphobia. My social anxiety issues. I'm getting a therapist to help me deal with social situations/going outside, NOT to get rid of my ED issues. No. I need to get thin, first, haha. Key word: NEED. Like, I know for a fact that once I lose these shitty 10 lb, I will be confident again. Losing weight is the key to my happiness and my success. It works every time. It's the weekend, and I will not binge. Nope! I'll be controlled alllll weekend. Why? Because I have 4 weeks to lose 10 lb. I am DOING this. I'm treating this like a deadline, a project that cannot be late. I'm not a loser. I'm a winner. I fight for what I want.

I am envious and obsessing over Felice Fawn.

(Except I want nothing to do with Satanism.)

Apology to Myself

I'm sorry that I am so weak. I'm sorry that I cannot fix this. I'm sorry I let things get out of hand. I'm sorry I didn't use the mind I had. I'm sorry that I am now losing my mind. I'm sorry that you probably won't make it. I'm sorry you are getting scared of everything. I'm sorry you were pushed around as a kid and I'm sorry that the repressed emotions are surfacing. I feel so sorry for you. You can't even defend yourself anymore. What started out as a quest for ultimate strength is now a struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I'm sorry you have battles in your mind about whether you should go to class where people can see you. I'm sorry you can't leave home most of the time. I'm sorry that you are afraid to speak to people, ask for help, inquire about services, say hello...I'm sorry you are emotionally eating. I'm sorry you feel so empty. I'm sorry you have no friends. I wish I could fix this. But I've tried. And tried. And I clearly can't fix it. It's over. I don't know what else to do. I think it's time you got some professional help. This can't end in tragedy. You had dreams. Get this fixed.

Really Quick Update on 246

I'm still doing 246, but I messed up today. Which isn't so bad since I've been okay for 5 days. But there still is a bad part: I overdosed on Nutella. I've been crash dieting for over 2 years, and I know exactly what will make me gain weight over night and what won't. Nutella will make me gain weight exponentially in a matter of hours. So, uh, bye-bye progress. But, hey!, bright side: I pre-planned to go to the gym everyday for the next 5 days, so that exercise, along with regular 246 diet, will bring me back to speed. I don't have much time to blog/comment this week, it's a busy one. Well, this whole month is, since it's the last month of school. Tomorrow is a 200 day. I have made a plan: safe foods, meal times, how to deal with hunger, what's important in [my] life, why I can't mess up, etc. I carry it everywhere. It helps. The right mindset is a crucial thing to have. Without it, you'll never get anywhere. All this is a question of mind over [food doesn't] matter.