A sad sad morning

I have not woken up this sad in a long time. I mean, I can see that I've lost weight. I looked in the mirror this morning and was a bit happy with how much thinner I look. But still, I was sad. I feel like a failure.
I have to memorize a 5 minute French speech for Tuesday. I have to START my final exam English presentation and essay. I have to catch up on a month of chemistry. I swear, I might get away with barely an 80% in chemistry if I don't get it together now. I'm slacking off in everything.

I don't think I'll be having any fun or any happiness until the end of this school year. I'm too stressed and sad all the time. I don't even workout as much as I used to. My body is so sore right now. I'm not sure if it's because I didn't stretch after my swim on Friday or because I'm on my period. In any case, my chest, shoulders, and back are SO SO sore! I can't sleep because of this and so I'm tired and all I want to do is sleep, but how can I sleep with all this school work to worry about and do!?

Christ, I cannot wait until all this is over. I cannot wait for summer vacation.

To be or not to be (normal, that is).

I want to lose 5 pounds in 2 weeks. I'm running and eating healthy. I NEED to do this. I NEED to lose AT LEAST 5 lb. I want to be thin. I want to be envied. I wan to stand out. I want to be perfect. I want to be stared at wherever I go. I want the body of a model. I want my six pack back. I want to be beautiful.

I went for a check up with my doctor on Tuesday. She weighed me. She was happy to know that I weighed-in at 112 pounds. What the... That's probably because right before the appointment I had eaten lunch and drank a bottle of water. At least, I hope that's why I weighed-in so high. There's no way I'm 112...Anyway, the doctor told me that 112 is where I was 2 years ago, before my ED. A year and a half ago, I was 95 lb...I want to be back there...None of this average girl bullshit. I don't want to be normal.

I got Hydroxycut Max Advanced for Women. I started it yesterday. So far so good. Let's see where this goes.

Happy Birthday and Lifestyle Changes

I love running. I love knowing that I'm getting more fit, and I'm burning calories. I love feeling free. I went for a fitness swim for the first time in 3 years. It was the best thing I've done in a long time. I like swimming so much, now, that I wish I could go every other day! But I can't because my hair would get so dry and ruined from chlorine. (I only have to wash my hair once a week, as it is...) So every Friday, I'll go for a fitness swim.

I hate coming home and looking in the mirror and realizing how fat I am. So I'm not going to look at my body or weigh myself until Wednesday.
I've decided that restricting doesn't work for me. I'm going to go about this by eating 6 times a day, less than 150 calories each time. Also, I'm taking a break from calorie counting. Honestly, it has gotten so tiresome, despite using an iTouch app. I am going to get healthier. This is not going to be a temporary diet; it is going to be a LIFESTYLE. I need to make some serious changes in my life and my eating habits will be one of them.

I am 18 today. I am going to make my life better.

New Take?

Okay, the new plan is to cut out ALL fat from my intake. Like, fat just grosses me out. I really am sick of seeing it on my body and thinking about it makes my stomach churn. Ew, fat. I want to be leaner, so decreasing my fat intake should to the trick. I mean usually, my intake consists of over 25 grams of fat! That's disgusting, especially since my protein intake is around only around 40 grams...

So tomorrow:
-minimal/no fat
-workout for an hour
-aim for 600 calories.

And I'm thinking about getting Hydroxycut, to jump-start my weight-loss. Have any of you angels tried it? Tell me about it, if you have experience with it.
No fat. No fat. No more refined carbs. No refined sugar. No fat! No more self-destruction!

My pics and a desperate want

So, that's fat me. Tell me what you think. I can be so much skinnier if I just put in the effort. I think I've managed to get my parents off my back, a little, so hopefully I can lose at least 4 pounds in the next 20 days. I'm going to be 18 in one week, and I'm obviously not going to reach my goal of 98 lb by then.

Here's the thing: I really want to be back at 101 lb, like I was two months ago. I mean, I want this so bad. It makes me sad to think about how much I've gained and how wide my hips have gotten. So I'm going to start eating less fat and less carbs at night. Restricting doesn't seem to work for me. Maybe one day, but for now, it doesn't work. I went running today, intervals, in my new expensive running shoes. I felt good and the lovely weather made it that much nicer.

I told my parents about wanting to go to U of T and staying in residence, and boy, they freaked out. They never really THOUGHT about me leaving home. Never. My dad even admitted that they are overwhelmed. They are giving me crap about the price of residence, but I mean, they're loaded...Who asked them to take us on at least 3 luxury vacations every year? Who asked them to send us to private school all our lives? Who asked them to buy more cars than we need?

I just really need to escape. My house is a lonely box that holds me back. I would love to go away and not have unhealthy food around me all the time, and eat only if I wanted, and stay out as late as I want, and go to the gym whenever I want...and be in control of my own life.

Fail

Yesterday was a complete fail for me. I couldn't resist an enormous slice of pizza for lunch, pastries from Starbucks, chocolate bars, ice cream, and 3 slices of pizza AGAIN for dinner! Stupid amusement parks. Yesterday, my intake was over 2000 calories. Holy shit. I freak out over 1000 calories as it is...

Sometimes I like to imagine myself being perfectly happy. I have friends who don't judge me, I eat whenever I feel like it, and my parents don't nag me. I am thin. My thighs don't touch and I don't have love handles and I am perfectly happy. It's nice to imagine this. It really is...

How lovely is Iekeliene Stange? She's one of my favourite models. I dream, fantasize about being that thin. I dream about how happy I'd be if my parents stopped nagging me, if I could eat whenever I feel like it, if I could be completely independent and have complete control over my life...

One of the reasons I love having a car is that it gives me a new kind of independence. I love being home alone. I like being alone in general. When I argued against my parents throwing me a huge graduation party, they asked me what I'd rather do. I said "I'd LOVE just to be alone somewhere", preferably by the lake. I would like to be alone to take in [my] life. They stared at me, like that was the stupidest thing they'd ever heard. They gave me that look like, are you serious, you want to be alone?.

My life is my choice. That's the way it should be. I still have to decide if I want to go to the university that's a 20 minute drive from my house or U of Toronto downtown. Making this decision is driving me up the wall. It's hard dealing with annoying parents, school, losing weight, AND deciding on universities all at once.

104.1

Okay, weighed-in this morning at 104.1 lb. Awesome. Going down.
BUT, I couldn't get out of lunch with my stupid parents today. I should have just gone to school, instead of taking the day off. MY INTENTION was so take the whole day off to work on my English final project because all my classes were canceled on account of the nearly the entire grade being gone on a Biology trip. I got up at 9, ate a small breakfast, lounged around, then my dad took me to get my banking done, then we went for stupid lunch, and we get home at 2. If I hadn't taken the day off school, I'd be home around this time anyway. So in reality, I should have just gone to school, were I could have at least avoided having that stupid fatty cheesy pizza at lunch with my parents. Goddam.

So my weight probably won't go down for tomorrow morning. Thanks a lot to this stupid pizza sitting in my stomach. I'm gonna go to the library tonight, and work there until it closes. No more food today. I'm not coming home for dinner. I don't give a shit. My arms are looking quite toned and thin, I just need to lose more fat from my hips and a bit from my thighs. Tomorrow my whole school is going to the amusement park Wonderland all day. I'll eat minimally. Back to routine tomorrow.

At lunch, I told my parents about me wanting to go downtown for university and about how I feel about staying at home and needing room to grow. They REALLY want me to stay home. My mom talks about how she worries about me eating, becoming anorexic looking, etc. I'm said, fine worry about me, but get off my back. I told them that I'll be happy to stay at home if they just get off my back, especially about eating. They can say something if they want when things get dangerous, but PLEASE don't always be fucking nagging me about it like the way they are now. I think my parents and I have an understanding now. I think. I'm still going to think about where I want to go and I'll bring up this topic again in a couple of weeks.

Wow. It's not even funny how fat I feel, even nearly 2 hours after that pizza.
I wish I could have minimal body fat like her ^.

104.7...Again.

Weighed-in this morning at 104.7 pounds. Not bad. I'm impressed. 103.5, at most, this Friday? Here's hoping! This week has been good so far. Why? Because of my eating. My eating disorder, my dark passenger, consumes my life. Every aspect of my life relates to my ED. If I'm eating like shit, junk foods and crap, then I won't want to do anything. I won't feel motivated to study, read, go out, or even exercise. When I feel fat, I feel worthless, miserable, and...fat!

But I've been doing so well, so I feel great! I'm doing my homework, studying daily (except dratted Chemistry...), reading, and I exercise whenever I can! I've been eating less than 500 cals per day, and I'm cutting down on fat intake. I need to find a way to resist snacking on almond butter...That's the only thing standing in my way.

I think once I reach 101 pounds, I will reward myself. If I am beautiful and feel beautiful, I need to do something beautiful for myself ! Maybe I'll buy myself some really cute clothes from H&M or Zara. Or maybe that lovely clutch from Guess. <3

It's honestly not even funny how much I despise my parents' presence. I really wish they would never come home. I like them much better at a distance, mentally and physically. I don't like them constantly asking me about things, watching what I eat, attempting to control my life. I think I will go to university downtown, University of Toronto. I need to get out of here, this home this town. I hope my parents will agree to this, maybe get me an apartment or pay for residence. They REALLY don't want me to go away for university. I think they just want to control me for as long as possible; they don't want to let me go. Even if I DON'T go away for school, I WILL NOT let them control me. I WILL NOT stand for it. I feel that if I stay here, I will not be able to grow as a person. I NEED to grow as a person. I need to explore myself, the world, I need to feel, feel new things, experience life like a normal university kid.
Control. This is my life. I chose it. I get to control it. In every aspect.

Planning Loveliness + Recipe by me

Yesterday, I managed to get away with making a low-calorie-low-fat pancake for me on the side of my mom's fatty buttermilk pancakes. I was so happy. The whole day was gonna be fine, until me and my sister were leaving our tutoring place, and I really had to pee. So we went into Tim Horton's (coffee shop), and I told her to get whatever she wanted. I told her to get me ONE applefritter timbit (donut hole). I figure it's only 50 cals, 1 g of fat, no biggie. I come out of the washroom, and my sister's all like, "They didn't have any timbits, so I got you an applefritter donut. You'll eat it right?" In my head I was like, "Uh, NO, you idiot." If I only wanted ONE timbit, why the hell would I want a whole stupid donut, which is 300 cals and 11 g of fat. Ugh, I was so upset, because when I though I thought I would only take one bite of that donut, it ended up being so good that I ate the whole stupid thing, which depressed the crap outta me and so I went home and binged on Toblerone chocolate, bread, and Nutella.

Anyway, but today was a better day. Intake of 500 cals. I've been planning my intake, and following my schedule of working out. I worked out a lot today, and now my arms, abs, and quads are sore. Good! When I weighed-in this morning, I was 106 lb...Christ...I hope that's because I had to go to the bathroom (to get rid of...you know). So, with diligence I can be 103 by Friday. It honestly makes me mad the way I keep setting a goal day for 103 lb, and it NEVER happens. Well, you know what, it's GONNA happen this Friday. Girls, I promise, I'll be 103 this Friday. You can hold me accountable.

So here's my original recipe for the low cal pancake:
Mix together
2 Tbs Whole Wheat flour,
1/2 tsp Baking Powder,
1/3-1/2 tsp Cinnamon (however much you like).
Stir in
3 Tbs low-fat milk (I used 1%).
Cook on griddle/pan, flipping once. I used exact measurements, and when I poured the batter onto the pan, of course not all of the batter came out. So depending on the kind of ingredients you use, it should have less than 90 calories. Mine had 85, with virtually zero fat.

Today, I had more chocolate than I should have had (apx 100 cals), but tomorrow, there will be none. Also I need to decrease the amount of fat I intake. That means, no snacking on almond butter after-school! I'm going to start running next Monday. AND OMG, this summer I am going to be in a beginners adult ballet class! I'm so excited. Ballet is something I've wanted to do since I was a small girl, but my parents never put in in it, depite my asking. Instead they put me in stuff that I wasn't really interested in... ANYWAY, I'm so excited to do ballet and be graceful and toned and lovely.
I'm excited for the future. I'm excited to lose weight and be skinny. I'm excited to see where life after high school will take me. I'm excited for my life. I will be better. Tomorrow will be better, I'll make sure of it. Tomorrow's limit: 500 cals.

104.7

Okay, so I've decided that fasting isn't really for me. For two days, it really slowed my metabolism down. I felt it and saw it on the scale. Usually I would have dropped a at least ONE pound in two days, but with this fast I only dropped .5 of a pound. How stupid. So I'm just gonna focus on cutting calories. And exercising like crazy.

By Monday the goal is to be 103 lb. Since my parents are going to a wedding tomorrow night I can skip dinner and work out instead. I binged today: 5 timbits=250 calories. GROSS. So I've gotta be good tomorrow and Sunday if I want to be 103 on Monday. The problem is that Sunday is MOTHER'S DAY, and my mom wants me to make her buttermilk pancakes! OMG I make those from scratch, and BOY, let me tell you, they're restaurant style and there is SO MUCH fat in those! Butter and oil and buttermilk and refined carbs...Oh, I feel fat just thinking about it! What do I do? How do I get out of eating those? AND we're going to go to my grandparents' for dinner. Friggin' hell. I'm going to have to work out A LOT this weekend.

I'm going to start running next week. My mom and dad bought me expensive running shoes so I can start. Actually, I need to get proper pants first...Like those tight capri pants you see runners wear. Also, I'm going to start looking into fitness classes. I want to start now or in the summer. I want to try pilates, I'll look into ballet, or spinning, or kickboxing...I need to do something! Maybe I'll get back into swimming.

Oh, and I really hate my parents. They freaked out of their goddam mind on Wednesday because I refused to eat the hamburger they grilled for dinner. They freaked right out. They are SO ANNOYING! They watch EVERYTHING I eat. Everytime I grab something from the kitchen my stupid mother wants to know what I'm eating. Like, fuck off, I hate telling people what I'm eating especially if it's junk. I mean why does she always want to know what I'm eating. Why does she constantly watch me and my plate when I eat!? I hate her! I hate my parents! They NEED to leave me alone. They threatened to send me back to the ED clinic. So I ate only the beef of the burger. Oh, they are SO gonna get shit from me when I turn 18 on the 24. Then they can't make me go to any stupid clinic or make me eat when I'm 18.

Anyway, that's just a part of what's going on in my head right now...I've got so much to handle...
I will my thighs were that toned...

Fasting

Okay, yes!, so I'm 105 lb today. By Friday, could I possibly be 103.5? Possibly. I'm trying a fast for the first time in my life. Today's the first day. I'm gonna try and fast until Saturday. AT LEAST. This is hard; I started getting a headache around 2:00 pm so I had a couple of bites of WWbread and an Advil. Now I'm going to work out to burn the calories off.

I really hope I can get through this! If I can get to 103 by Friday, by Monday I can hope to be at 102. (Weekends really throw me off because I'm around my family a lot...) I'm gonna avoid dinner with my stupid family tonight by going to the library to study. I'm make something up, like I ate. My mom's always fucking hassling me about eating. I swear to God, if I end up having to eat with them tonight, I'll be furious.

Today I'm gonna do 10 minutes on the Stairmaster, then 15 minutes of abs, then 15 minutes of weight training with leg exercises between sets.
That's an amazing torso, with a pretty amazing body. All the fat is in her breasts. Lucky her. All my fat goes to my hips...

Weighed-in this morning at 107 lb. Yuck. By Friday, I'm hoping to be 105. AND I CANNOT SLIP UP OVER THE WEEKEND. I'm so sick of food, I swear to God.

And I HATE family dinners. I was gonna skip dinner today, and my stupid dad came home from work early so my stupid mom wanted to eat dinner as a family. I hate eating with my family because they're so critical of my when I eat. They always think I'm not eating, and blah blah. I hate them. I mean, truthfully, my day was so so perfect, until I had to sit and eat with them. They're such an annoyance in my life. Like food. Anyway, so I just pushed a lot of food around my plate...

Today's intake was 545 cals. No more for the day. I also did intervals on the Stairmaster for 25 minutes! Tralalala, I'm going to be skinny, I'm going to be skinny...I will!

I think I hate eating in front of other people in general. It makes me so uncomfortable.

So I have to do a TON of research on Emma and Anne of Green Gables, study for an advanced functions test, catch up on chemistry, and practice piano. Trust me it's a lot. Especially along with trying to lose 10 pounds in 21 days.
Think thin!

The Plan to Fail No More

The plan is to fail no more. That's the plan. I cannot keep telling myself that I can start over tomorrow. I have to lose AT LEAST 10 pounds by my birthday on May 24. I have never been a screw-up. I have never been known to be a failure. I'm ALWAYS the winner. I am scared that I am losing it.

I WILL NOT lose it. I am a winner. I am a go-getter. I am going to DO THIS because I NEED to show myself that I am capable of accomplishing something. That I am capable of doing something for myself. Lately, I've been feeling out of control, putting off studying, exercising, school, piano...I've been procrastinating. I'm slipping. I feel that if I can shape up, get into shape, and lose these pounds then I will be able to do anything. I will have the motivation to do better in school and such.

I will starve from now on. I'll eat bare minimum. I will have to DEAL with the hunger because I NEED to do this. I will prove myself to myself. This is for ME and no one else. I need bony arms, protruding hip bones, a rib cage that juts out, slender thighs, concave tummy, narrow hips...

I need this.

I've gained so much this week...I'm dreading weigh-in tomorrow morning...