How My Parents Ruined My Graduation

I looked like a princess. Or a Greek goddess. In my ivory-coloured floor length dress. The best dress of all.
Happy. It was all coming to an end. We were going to be together for the last time. It was the end of high school. Graduation.

Awards were given out. I did not get the Scholar's award, which is presented to students with an average of over 80%. I admit that I was shocked. I thought, 'oh boy my parents are probably so disappointed.' I also thought that they wouldn't say anything about it and ruin my grad. I thought they'd be proud of me no matter what tonight.

My parents were not proud of me.

After the ceremony, I went up to them and they did not smile. They looked pissed off. I didn't know what was up at first, I assumed they were sad that their little girl is grown up.

"What, you didn't get the Scholar's Award?!"
"What the HELL happened!?"
"You probably will lose your acceptance." (Not true for my program.)
"You must have tried real HARD to be a loser to get below 80."

The whole time they spoke, I defended myself and tried to fake normalcy.
Then I walked away in tears. To the single washroom. Slam the door. Fall against the door. Cry and Cry. Gasping between tears. If only they knew the madness that has been within me for the past 4 months.

My parents were not proud of me.

My classmates made me feel better, and I made a deal with myself to piss my parents off that night. At the dinner, I tried to purge what little I ate, but I swear, I'm disabled when it comes to purging. I have no idea why sometimes I can't do it.
Went to the after-party. My FIRST high school party. Had a shot of whisky. Enough to get me loose. Enough to let me have the best night of my high school career. Also tried smoking a Cuban cigar. It was the best night ever. Came home at 3 AM.

Needless to say, the school made a mistake. I should have gotten the Scholar's Award, AND received Honors. I should have been UP THERE. It was the biggest mistake the school could have made and after learning this information today, my parents are blowing up at the school.

Did I mention that last night was the best night of my high school career? Tee hee. It was.

I've sold all the rights to my wrongs.
^So that's the new bracelet. It's called #103. I'd call it 103.6, but that's pushing it. Haha. I'll probably post pictures of my grad later, when my scanner works. I want to compare my grade 8 self with my grade 12 self.

I just had a teaspoon each of nutella and almond butter, and that's 5-6 grams of fat! I worked out this morning, but I feel like I'm going to gain a lot of weight back if I don't go for a run or something. I probably will later. I DO NOT want to be above 104 lb next weigh-in...

103.6

Weighed-in this morning at...*cue: drumroll* 103 .6 lb!
Cue: applause.
That's 4.6 lb lost in a week.
I am thrilled.
I graduate tomorrow. My summer is beginning.
I'm going to apply for my first job. Part-time. I need to get the fuck out of my parents house.
Maybe I'll face my fear and try on the clothes in my closet that I have not worn in months because of all the weight I had gained. But I'm 103.6. Maybe they won't be so tight.
I'm dying to get at least an inch between my thighs when my feet are almost together. My inner thighs are all fat, it's gross. Must do more cardio. I'm also dying to get my ribs to stick out further than my stomach, right now they are even. Must keep eating less. Last night I had celery and a bit of cheese for dinner. I sent my parents out on a date.
I am absolutely in love with the amount of control I have over my life, especially my eating. I don't CARE who is upset with me. This is not about THEM, it's about ME.
^She's so pretty. I wish I had hair like that.

Oh ya, I'm going to the mall today to buy a bracelet! It will be a reminder, when I go to my grandparents 52nd wedding anniversary dinner tonight, to not slip up.

The Morning After

My graduation party last night was a complete disaster for me. Not food wise, but I was just getting more and more depressed as the night wore on. People would ask me where I'm going to school in September, and I would have to say, "University of Toronto, Mississauga campus..." I always sound so depressed when I talk about it. That's why I don't like to talk about it. I'm staying at home. And when people find out I'm going to UTM, they're like, "But first year in residence is an experience!" And I tell them I can't afford it so they drop it. It's a lie my parents told me to justify not sending me. The truth of the matter is that they are possessive of me. My mom admitted it today. It hurt my parents so much to see me so depressed all night. They regret not sending me to U of Toronto, downtown. My mom says I can try for second year. I just really want to get away from this house of hell.
I ate pretty well. Resisted crap. I kept repeating in my head, "you're are 105, don't screw up. You want to get to 104 soon!" I had gone for lunch with my sister and cousin to watch the USA-Ghana game. My sister and I shared fajitas, my cousin had wings and fries. I thought I'd be safe with one fajita, but I ended up loving the taste, having two, and devouring the remaining of my cousin's fries. Christ. I bolted to the bathroom during the extended game time, and purged most of that crap. Came back perfectly normal. For dinner I had 1 chip, 6 baby carrots, 4 cucumber slices, a bite of chicken, and a spoon of rice. Pretty damn good, huh! Everytime I want to eat something, I ask myself if I want to lose weight.
I'm proud of myself. I'm losing weight. I'm going to apply for the job at the book store, Chapters. I'm going to keep myself busy, not eat, and away from my family.

105.4

Whoa, look at that title. I'm 105.4 lb!
Losing weight makes me so happy. 1.4 lb less, and I get a braceletttt.
It's amazing how a few days of eating clean and exercising can jump start my metabolism.
These days I am drinking at least 3 cups of green tea, exercising, eating clean, and purging crap(haha).
Yesterday I did weight lifting and went for a run, doing intervals of walking/running, at 8:30 pm. It was so beautiful. It wasn't hot at that time, there was a beautiful breeze, and I passed fellow runners. Seeing these runners make me smile because I know that they're trying to do the same thing I am: get fit(ter).

My parents are throwing me a graduation party tomorrow. I hate attention, but I'll love the money I shall be receiving. I'm gonna avoid eating. It's so easy to not eat when my family is so preoccupied with the guests. I'm going to the god-forsaken mall today to find something to wear for the party. I give myself an hour before I start becoming unbearably depressed.
^I love that picture. It's perfect.

107.4

Purging is bad, I know. But it's like...eat what you want and then "undo" it! Whoa, cool!
Yeah. My sister wanted McDonald's, so we went and she got nuggets, fries and a sundae. I ate some fries, a nugget and half the sundae. I lost control. It had been over 4 years since my last McDonald's. Came home, hoping my parents weren't home so I could purge in peace. They were home. And they wanted to have dinner together. Well, screw that!, I thought. I ditched their dinner, not thinking about the guilt, and went to the bathroom. I purged most of that greasy crap and the the sundae.

Tomorrow I'm gonna have breakfast and just nibble stuff, like fruits and veges, if I get hungry throughout the day. I'll have tea and water. That's about it, on account of I'm really really tired of failing, looking in the mirror and feeling fat, and looking fat.
Last exam tomorrow! That means TONS of time to work out and there is NO need to eat! And I can read all the books I want without worrying about having something else to do. Weighed-in this morning at 107.4 lb. So despite my binge and purge today, hopefully I can be 106-106.5 by the weekend. I am looking forward to feeling light and being thin and having SO much confidence.

Operation Look-Like-Miranda-Kerr NOW COMMENCING.
Stay STRONG! "Fighter" by Christina Aguilera is a good motivational song.

108.2

I am getting very good at avoiding eating. The entire year after my parents discovered my eating disorder, they watched me like a hawk. Life was hell. As my lovely followers know, a little while ago I informed my parents that they really cannot hassle me about food and eating anymore, I won't stand for it. So they don't really comment on my eating or question me anymore. My mom is a little worried still, but I couldn't care less, I'll just tell her to get over it. I'm really sad that I'm staying home for university. Sad that I'm STUCK here. With my parents. And their stupid house rules. It just breaks my heart every time I remember this fact: that I'm stuck here for the next for years, living at home under my parents rules. I've never had a job because my parents told me to focus on school. Now I regret it. I could have gotten out of here if I had had a job. Should I get a job? The thought of a job freaks me out, but I should get a job right?

When I came home at 8 tonight, I found out my period had arrived so I ate some chicken and rice (after saying I would skip dinner), and decided to binge on chocolate fondue and raspberries. So I went to purge that, got some out, but it was taking wayy to long to get out and I was like in my head 'this is getting awfully boring.' So I gave up, and a second later, my mom came home.
Anyway, so I'm getting good at avoiding eating. I'm thinking that once my exams are over (last one on Thursday!) I'll just stop eating. Only eating to keep from passing out. I really love Wasted. I can't stop reading it. It's preventing me from studying for Calculus and Chemistry. *sigh* Just think, Alisha, after tomorrow, you never have to deal with chemistry ever again.

^Summer thinspo! Stay strong and beautiful, lovelies!

Oh ya! I've decided to weigh myself WITHOUT subtracting weight for clothes and water and the like. (Wii fit allows you to do that...) So without subtracting anything, I'm...108.2 lb. Ewwwwww. NO WONDER nothing in my closet fits. That will change soon.

Expectations

Some days, I just fail so miserably, that I don't want to continue anymore. I think about starting over the next day, but it all just seems so overwhelming and those are the times I think "Fuck it." The problem is that attitude. I want to get in the 90s so bad. I want to lose the fat on my thighs and hips so bad. But I'm expecting too much too soon. So I need to take it slower. I need to realize that it will take longer than a week to see results. Duh. If I am 106 lb right now, a reasonable goal is to be 100 in less than 3 weeks. Completely doable. So losing 2 lb a week should be expected. Expected.
I'm going to try this new thing where every time I lose 4 pounds, I will buy myself a lovely bracelet. I have my eye on a lovely one from Coach.
It's Father's Day and we are having lobster for dinner. I just had a pretty big lunch, something I said I wouldn't have. If I eat too much dinner, I'm definitely going to try purging that. Yesterday I tried to purge some cookies, but only yucky stomach acid came out. It was awfully horrible.

Mia

Yesterday, I tried again.
I ate a bunch of chocolate and some mango.
I stuck my fingers down my throat in a second attempt to see if I could still purge.
I did. I can. I still have that power. Boy, it excited the crap out of me.
I did it again today. Ate cookies and purged. Well then.
At least I have the power to "undo" my "eating-errors."
It turns out that other girls (that I know online) were right. The book Wasted DID trigger a relapse in me. I would never have tried to self-induce vomiting had I not read the book because I truly believed that I lost my gag reflex. Reading that Marya Hornbacher was bulimic for over 5 years made my mind think like that. So I relapsed, so what.

I'm completely depressed. I mean I was completely happy this afternoon, came home, started driving to restaurant with mom, and became completely overcome with depression. It was the worst. I was sick to my stomach with sadness. I came home, got into bed, and cried and cried and cried. Listening to Silverstein didn't help much. I was SO depressed, it's really not funny. Suicidal and everything...Scared the shit out of me. My heart was racing with anxiety, I was begging to God for the sadness to stop. It didn't.
That is what I want to look like. And I will, one day. Soon. Soon? Soon.

I heart cute soccer players and I hate malls

Yesterday, my mom took me to the mall to buy a grad dress. We found one. I shall post a picture of me in it after the 26th. It's long and white and completely lovely. I always thought I'd have a short mini grad dress, but not after trying this one on...My mom was so happy we found a dress that she bought me clear flip flops and a short blue party dress. After all the "un-daughterly" things I do...
I want Miranda Kerr's arms. My arms used to look like that...My arms look pretty floppy in the strapless dress. I need to do something about that. I'm gonna work out today. I'm so nervous about it, but I think once I get back into it I won't want to stop. Yesterday, I had 8 pieces of sushi at lunch with my mom at the mall. Really filled me up. Today is a 200 calories day.
OMG. So I ate some chocolate yesterday and felt shitty about it. I thought, 'okay, I haven't made myself throw up since January because I believed I lost my gag reflex. But there's no way I lost it, some people are bulimic for years!' So, last night, I stuck my finger down my throat and tried to make myself purge the chocolate. It didn't come up, I got annoyed, and called it quits. I think I'm just gonna avoid junk...
The food court at the mall depressed the hell out of me yesterday. I saw people, teenagers, eating. They looked so happy. Eating KFC, poutine, burgers, pizza...They looked like they didn't give a damn about how unhealthy that food was. Boy, with every passing minute I was getting more and more depressed. After my mom and I finished eating, I told her 'please let's go home now.'

So here's a cute soccer player from France: Yoann Gourcuff. *sigh*

106

Yesterday, I was good. Today I shall continue to be good. Haven't worked out yet, for some reason I really am starting to dread exercise, that's got to stop. I'm going with the assumption that I am 106 lb, because I weighed myself on Wii fit as 105.4 but that's minus 1 lb for clothes. I don't know. I thought I'd be sooo much more seeing as the doctor weighed me as 112 lb three weeks ago...But anyway, I'm that much closer to 95!

I came home about 30 minutes ago from the library, and saw my sister eating this Indian spicy rice that my mom makes and it is SOOO good, so I had a tiny plate of it with some chicken. Hopefully no one will be home tonight, so I can get away with skipping dinner, or just having a leaf of lettuce.
I can't wait until summer. My exam yesterday went pretty bad, that's what I get for not studying...But next week I have Calculus and dreaded Chemistry, I'm actually going to try for those. I just can't wait until summer so my parents can leave me alone for good, so I can TELL them, NO I DON'T FEEL LIKE EATING, RIGHT NOW! I just wish my parents didn't know that I had eating issues because now they don't treat me normally. They watch everything I eat, they press me about eating, they are always asking what I ate/eat. I'm not putting up with it anymore.

Yesterday, my parents actually told me that they're sad about the way I've been acting towards them. They said that they don't feel love from me, they find me acting so cold towards them, and I'm not as "daughterly" as most kids are with their parents, etc. They're sad about my coldness towards them. I'm not gonna deny it. I act mean towards them. It's not even a vocal mean. It's a silent, icy cold mean. I barely tell them anything and act emotionless to them. They deserve it, I mean, I hate them and all. If they weren't so nagging and annoying all the time, maybe it would be different. Ever since I was a small girl, they've been trying to get INTO my life, trying to snoop around. My mom says she's always had "spies" on me and my sister. She made it out like a joke, but I don't think so. Everything I've ever told my doctor, ex-therapist, ex-psychiatrist, even friends, my mom has found out. There is no way she could have found out unless she has spies. It could be that she read my diary, but I hide it...
I honestly never want to eat again. The only reason I'll eat is to keep from passing out. I can't wait to be under 100 lb...

Why?

Why can't I just stop eating? Why did I have to slip up and not care about my eating for the past 3 months? I was I so stupid? I do not have answers to those questions.
But, dammit, I am so fucking motivated to lose 20 pounds and get back down to 95, shed this excess skin.

Honestly, it is so gross to look at my hips. I have a really skinny upper body compared to my lower body, especially my hips. Like, I swear to God, my hips are ENORMOUS. It wasn't always this bad, I just HAD to gain 12 pounds in 3 months...Idiot that I am...
Tomorrow, I have my first exam. One out of three. I am going to start the 2-4-6 diet. I know of a major success story out of that diet. I no longer give a shit about my parents and how they feel about me eating. This is NOT about them. It is NOT. It is about ME. Me me ME! I am number ONE. Being skinny is number ONE. I long to feel light, bony, and in control. It sounds so good...I feel like nothing is in my control these days.

It's like my parents think they know everything, they want to keep me in this box for as long as possible. They don't know everything! Last night, we went out for Italian and my dad started arguing with me about how when I turned 18 I probably thought that I knew everything. Like, what the FUCK!? He was all like, "You, probably, like most teenagers, thought you were so much smarter and that now you know everything, on the day you turned 18." I was like, "Uh, no, why would you think that, who thinks like that anyway?" He just kept pressing on about how I probably thought I was so much smarter now that I am 18. Jesus. Fucking. Christ. My dad always assumes shit like this. He always starts shit. He is the biggest dumb fucking asshole in the universe. And he smells.

That's one reason why I hate eating, especially around other people. Like if I'm binging, I'll hear my dad come home and IMMEDIATELY, I will hide the evidence and leave the kitchen because I hate eating around him. I mean eating around people, ESPECIALLY my dad, makes me so uncomfortable. This is most likely because ALL of our family arguments happen at family dinners. That explains it.
So tomorrow's limit, 200 calories. Can I do it?

A Note on Food and My Last Day

It's been a long time since I have actually had any will power. I have not given a shit about my eating for a while. But I have realized that today, I'm tired of eating. I mean, the only reason I ate today was to keep from fainting or because I was bored. Even yesterday, the only reason I kept opening the fridge was because I was bored. How stupid, huh. So, eating dinner today, I realized that I honestly wasn't hungry. In fact, I have gotten tired of eating. I was thinking, "Man, do I HAVE to eat? This has gotten so monotonous...Isn't there anything else I can do...?"
So I think I'm gonna stop binging every hour of the day. Once I bring down my intake, I believe I will have more energy and motivation to work out. Honestly, I've only worked out once in the past month...I used to exercise at least 3 times/week when I barely ate. And I was pretty sexy, all toned. Now, I'm just normally ugly. It's stupid and annoying and I can't wear anything sexy...

Today was my last day of high school ever. I mean, I'll go back for my 3 exams, but today was the actual last day. Me and two girls did the senior "prank." Everyone thought it would flop or be lame, so no one helped. But we did it anyway. We hung a "Penitentiary" sign over the school sign and put "NO WORK" caution tape across the entrance pillars. We bought rolls of streamers, weren't sure what to do with them, so we just weaved them through the lockers and across the hallway to create a maze that you had to go under or over. It fell apart pretty fast as soon as kids started coming out of class, but anyway. We released balloons around the school. We filled up 200 water balloons and when the whole school was outside for the end-of-year barbeque, we got the grade 12s together and we started throwing the water balloons randomly everywhere. A lot of kids (including myself) got soaked and when the balloons ran out, kids started going at each other with water bottles. It was SO MUCH fun. The grade 12s agreed it was fun, not lame. It was pretty cool to be partly responsible for this. Last period, we hung a pinata from the ceiling in the common area and went at it. In my tiny private school, I'm one of the quietest kids, the kind who never goes to socials, and doesn't talk to anyone. But not today. And because of all this "prank planning" I barely ate!

I'm not gonna lie, I thought I'd leave this school with no emotions, no fun. But I had fun today, I was noticed today, I was told I am going to be missed. I had emotions and I had fun today. And I am going to lose the shit-load of weight I've gained since March.
Amen.

Uhhh, Obviously

Okay, soooooo...I just want to be skinnyyyy. Skinny like a model.
I have to stop eating. Like, stat. I CAN stop. I tell myself this all the time. But sometime or the other, I end up thinking something stupid like, Day-um I really want come chocolate and cookies, who cares about getting fat, they're sooo good. So I'll go ahead and eat them..And I won't care about it, until I look in the mirror and see how fat I've gotten.

Whhhaaatt a looooser.

What I really want to do, as soon as my exams are done, is go to the zoo and spend a lot of fucking time in the underwater animals section.
And get skinny stick thin. And I'll have SO MUCH time to work out like crazy. No one can tell me that I have to eat.

Thinspo!

I need more self control.
Pretty girl, when will you realize that if you don't turn the page it will eventually turn on you.

Avant Garde

I want to be glamorous.
I want to be skinny. Slim, slender legs and frail arms.
Lately, I have this urgent desire to buy extremely fashionable clothes and a new pair of shoes. I want to SO BAD, but I cannot because I am not thin enough to look good in the clothes I love. I cannot wear a lot of the clothes in my closet because I've gained about 10 pounds since March, thus a lot of stuff doesn't look as pretty on me anymore. So, uh, once I get back down to 100 lb, I think I'll buy myself some avant garde fashions and a new pair of shoes.

I want look thin and classy. Then I can carry a Chanel purse on my bony sholder and wear delicate gold watches around my tiny wrist, and when I walk in high heels, I will look beautiful and light, not like I'm too heavy to put my all my weight on high heels.
I wish I could be as small and lovely and toned as Miranda Kerr. I want to feel in control, I want my eating disorder back. I want something to be MINE, for once.

Searching

I bought the book Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia by Marya Hornbacher yesterday, and I am 40 pages through it. I am thoroughly interested in it. It made me think about myself and my situation and my life with an eating disorder. I am trying to look back and think about underlying causes, things that had built up, how all this started.

So, this morning, I opened my April 26, 2008-November 17,2009 journal. Flipped through it. Read excerpts, pages, days. I remember the first time I stuck my finger down my throat and induced vomiting, but I never wrote it down (that record is on my xanga site); it was July 8, 2008. It just killed me inside when I read that in November 2008 I was 95 lb. Back in those days, I purged almost everything.
It has occurred to me that the reason that I am going completely crazy these days, crying randomly and fighting the urge to scream out loud and such, is because there is so much on my mind. School, chemistry, final exams, friends, weight, food, university...I barely have time to think about myself. Not thinking about myself is what is causing my insanity. How can I manage myself if I don't even make time to think about myself.

Wow, I'm messed up. More on this subject later. One more week of school left...

My Wish

I wish I could be pretty.
And delicate.
I want thinner arms. Frail arms.
I want to look fragile. Not thick.
I do not want to feel my thighs thundering around as I walk.
I want to be able to walk swiftly, gracefully.
I want bones. I want to be clean, pure. Not fat-filled.
I want to be able to walk around knowing that I am truly beautiful and lovely.
I want to feel beautiful and lovely. Confident.
I want to look good in everything.
That is my wish. My want, my desire. My lust.

I want to say hello to my followers. I heart all of you lovely petals. Sometimes, we just need to know that somebody knows and understands, and gets it.