It's Sunday afternoon and my whole family is home. I absolutely hate it when they're all home because we usually eat meals together. Like, we had breakfast together this morning and it was absoute torture. Whenever we eat together, there is always some sort of discussion or argument that makes me feel uncomfortable, angry, and agitated. That's where my roots of 'feeling uncomfortable about eating' come from. Mom and stupid Dad want to make hamburgers for lunch. When I hear burgers, I think "Fat." So I'm just gonna do my mom the favour of picking up the shirt a friend left behind at a restaurant last night. That way, I don't have to be at home for fatty hamburgers. I'll stay out the rest of the day, if I can, to avoid the family. I'll tell my parents I'm with a friend. Then I'll go drop off the shirt. Excellent.
I went out last night with a girl I used to hang out with at school, Brit. I never considered her a friend because I always try to avoid socializing (socializing=eating). But she considered me a friend, obviously, if she wanted to go out. [Wow, my eating disorder has made me forget how to be a friend...] Anyway, Brit is one of the few people I'm close with who DOES NOT know about my ED history. When I was with her, Ifelt like I could act completely
normal because she treated me completely normal! She didn't treat me differently or all suspicious! It was so nice to feel normal! I'm so used to hiding and putting on an act. So I'm starting to realize that
if I want to start making friends and being a friend, I should hang out more with people who know nothing about my ED history. I can't even describe how good I feel now that I know what I have to do to be normal again. I'm tired of putting on an act. I want to learn how to be normal again for university in September.
I come from a large family and it has proven so difficult in the past to get out of gatherings. You're lucky you can wiggle out of it so easily. My family would have never allowed such a thing. I've found I'm a better friend when under my ED'ly influence. I focus on them rather than myself. It tends to mean I have a lot of little different groups of friends and I re-cycle through them and I never hang around any of them long enough for them to notice.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with it all. You'll do it. PS - I love your blog title and thinspo. It's all so lovely.
Ha love the title of this post. And family meals = hell. Breakfast is definitely the worst.
ReplyDeleteBurgers?! Oh boy. You are so lucky you can get out of that! I wouldn't even make it 2 inches out the door before I would be dragged back in.
That sounds great about your friend/your friend plan! I have like zero social life now, sometimes I even think this crazy shit isn't even worth it...but my friends aren't exactly skinny so I always have a reminder to put down the damn food.
Sorry for the long comment, haha. And I agree with Kristal about the thinspo, you always have great pictures.
xo
Good idea with avoiding food, that way there's no questions asked. It's awesome you can hang with someone who doesn't know about the eating. It must be a really nice change. :]
ReplyDeleteAgreed. Tell people you're crazy, they'll start to believe you. More to the point, you'll start to believe yourself. Good luck with your plan!
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with the whole 'family meals' thing. They come from a good place but end horribly.
ReplyDeleteAs for the whole 'feeling normal', I think that's great that you got a day to relax and just enjoy life with a friend :)
Thank you so much for you comment, I really hope so.
ReplyDeleteI hope you have a wonderful week :)
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