246/Progress Report

246 is going well so far. Yesterday, I had breakfast (150cals) went 12 hours without eating anything. I couldn't. I can't just screw up. At 7 30 PM I had a rice cake and a bite of chicken and that was that for the day. I worked out for an hour: running intervals for 30 minutes and 30 minutes of weight training. Today's a 400 day, and I'm just doing great. I have 150 cals left for today, so I'll have ww bread w/ jam (100) before ballet at 7 PM, and a nf yogurt (35) when I get back at 8 45. If I'm still up at 10, I'll have a bit of almond milk. But I want to focus on getting a TON of sleep since HOLIDAYS HAVE STARTED! WOO! I only have one exam on the 17th which is Biology which I love. And I can spend the entire 33-day break catching up on 4 weeks calculus. I have 33 days to catch up! That's plenty of time! So by the time term 2 comes, NOT ONLY will I be 95 lb, but I'll be 50% smarter, so much closer to perfect.

I'm gonna be HOT. Apparently, I've lost 2 lb since yesterday. I'm gonna be thin. I'm gonna get the Gym Hottie's attention (possibly, unless he only likes white blonds...). In any case, I'm gonna get SOMEONE'S attention. OMG, did I ever tell you lovelies about my calculus TA? Well, he's a bit of a cutie, so effing nerdy-cute. Awkward-cute. And he must know me because I'm the only one who asks questions in class. Anyway, yesterday I was leaving campus at 7 30 PM and I saw him coming down the hall towards me, so I held my gaze and smiled at him and he said, "Hey," and nodded acknowledging-ly. Something that small, just brightened my night. I smiled all the way to my car. I love him. Haha.

Today is my grandfather's 80th birthday, but I am not going to the dinner at the Chinese restaurant because I cannot afford the calories. I cannot risk the calories. My dad "is upset." My mom "is upset." My grandparents are probably upset. But I don't give a shit. I know I'm a monster. And I'm going to the big hall party on Sunday anyway. And this is about ME. ME reaching MY GOALS. Doing WHATEVER it takes. NO ONE can get in my way. No one can guilt trip me. I'm too strong. Tomorrow's supposed to be a 600 day, but I'm making it a 200 day because I won't be at home. Thursday's gonna be a 600 day, because I got myself into a stupid lunch with my mom and sister. Anyway, hope everything's going all right for everyone else! xo

To Be Weightless

I want to talk about ballet. Does anyone else here take ballet? Lately, I've been so completely inspired by ballet. I watch pointe floor work videos on youtube and I can't get enough of them. Basically, I want to lose these 10 lb so I can be lighter and better in ballet. My thighs are too chunky. Gotta tone down. I mean, I probably won't ever make it to pointe level, but it's nice to try. I want to be graceful, flawless, light, weightless. I've started 246. My mother has bought 2 loaves of cinnamon raisin bread because she knows I binge on it. I have to try so hard to avoid it. I'm trying. I'm avoiding food. Why? Because I need to lose 10 lb, that's why! NEED. Christmas is less than 30 days away. I recently found a texting buddy, and she told me that if I stick to 246 and add in some exercise, I can lose 10 lb in 20 days! She lost 15 lb in two weeks on 256. To be completely honest, I am so perfectly capable of that. So here we go. I'll avoid food all day today. Gonna weigh in tomorrow morning, tomorrow night, repeat until Christmas. I can't eat because I have 10 lb to lose.

Be strong, and stay strong. Always. That's it. Gotta study for a major psychology test, now! BY THE WAY: I want to thank everyone who commented on the previous post. Your comments mean the world me. xo

War

In a time of war, we don't eat. We only think about it, because we cannot AFFORD to eat, we're simply CANNOT get fat, we must NOT gain weight. It's crucial. I was looking at my profile pic on here, and was amazed at how slim my thighs were and how narrow my hips were. I think that pic was taken July 2009. Back then I restricted to the max and binges were rare. Why aren't binges rare for me anymore? No idea, I couldn't tell you. But I'm determined to make them rare again. I can make myself 10 lbs lighter in 30 days. I can, I can, I can, I WILL. So, everytime I feel like eating unnecessarily, I'm going to stop, think about getting fat, then stop myself. It won't be worth it. One bite will always hurt. It always does.

I'm so magnificently in love with Karlie Kloss. Anyway, it's the weekend again...I'm DETERMINED to have a good weekend. I have NEVER had a good weekend. I actually dread weekends because 1) I know that I won't do any work, hence I'll fall behind, and 2) I know I'll binge and get fatter. But not this weekend, because I'm on a mission to lose 10 lb in 30 days. No food outside the meal plan. 30 minutes of ballet practice everyday, to stay thinspired. And the 100 push-ups training plan. I have to study for my huge midterm psychology test and finish a less-than-one page French composition. That's my to-do list this weekend. That's the equivalent of plenty of reasons not to eat.

I hope all you lovelies are as thinspired as I am! If you've messed up, start making the change, NOW! Make a plan, create subgoals, start a journal to track progress... Let's banish fat. xo

Think Before You Act

I sorta knew this day would turn out to be a disaster when I decided to get on the bus despite the fact that I was already 20 minutes late. I wanted to go to downtown Toronto to attend a help session for economics from 6-10 which would guarantee me a perfect understanding. But my waxing appointment didn't end until 5 10, so I had to catch the 5 40 bus. Stupidly, without thinking, I wasted 2 hours. Got to Toronto, cried because I could have lived there today, and got right back on the bus homebound. It was so cold, 1 degree C, and I didn't feel like walking to the library like I should have. My only other option was to go home. I figured I was strong enough to not eat, since I'd been good the past 3 days. Home I went. Binge I did. Now, I feel like shit. I could have studied for 5 hours in the library. I wasted 5 hours.

I feel almost unworthy to post these lovely pictures of lovely girls... I worked out so hard today. I don't want to get to into it, because then you'll see how much progress I just deleted by bingeing. But I'll just say, that the lack of calories has made me weaker and I've accepted that I'll probably never be able to run the 5K. But I'm okay with that, as long as I can be thin. Honestly, I'm really disappointed in myself today. But this was the first binge in 3 days, which is a good record. And tomorrow I'll do better. I always do. Morely, I'm disappointed because I did not study economics today. The test is on Friday, and I'm not ready. Nor, am I close to 100 lb. AND my fucking dad came home from Hawaii today: another reason to be silent and hate home.

I just really can't wait for tomorrow to come, so I can start being good and getting thin again. I don't know what's going to happen to me. What I mean, is that I'm not sure if I have the strength to make it to the 90s by xmas. This scares me. Why? Why can't I just resist food? How do you girls do it? Tell me all your tips and tricks and secrets. I need all the advice I can get! xo

Thinspiration Before I Hit The Books

"I was on a mission to be another sort of person, a person whose passions were ascetic rather than hedonistic, who would Make It, whose drive and ambition were focused and pure, whose body came second, always, to her mind and her "art." I had no patience for my body. I wanted it to go away so that I could be a pure mind, a walking brain, admired and acclaimed for my incredible self-control... I began to hate my body with such incredible force that my love of food was forced underground, my masochistic side surfaced, and anorexia became my goal." Marya Hornbacher, Wasted

I'm on the right track and I know what I must do in order to reach the 90s for Christmas. It will happen. I failed the calculus test. I thought I did so well. This is bull shit and I refuse to take it any more. Change is happening.

^You see that? She does not even have an eating disorder, she eats more than 1000 calories a day. But she MADE THE CHANGE and started eating clean. She's such a thinspiration to me because she had love-handles, too, and managed to get rid of them. I can do this. I will look like that. I will be smart. I will not fail another test again. I will be pretty. And thin. And the Gym Hottie will notice me. Maybe then, I'll be happy, too. Anyway, hello new followers! Good luck everyone!

Reflections

I guess you could say, I'm making progress. Or you could say I'm at a standstill. Yes, I've been eating better, and yes, I've been exercising a lot. I've been eating better since Wednesday. But, I must mention that I've been having Nutella. Jesus. Christ. THAT IS A FORBIDDEN ITEM. It's not SAFE. It's BAD. But I've been having it. Not enough to make me gain weight, though. And today, I was so good, but at 7 45 PM when it was just me and my sister at home, I had a bowl of cereal with almond milk, some french fries, lots of Nutella, and bread with jam. Today. I'll probably gain from that, but I'm just trying to focus on doing better from NOW ON. I'm sorry I let that binge happen. But it did, and I can't go back, but I can do better in the future.

I am very terrified that I won't make it to the 90s for xmas. So terrified, that the thought leaves a lump in my throat, a wrench in my stomach. It scares me to death. THIS EXACT TIME last year is when I set my 93 lb UGW. My journal says I was supposed to be there by December 18th, 2009. I didn't make it. There are numerous scribbles: the date kept having to be pushed. It's still being pushed. It's heartbreaking to realize that I've been such a failure. But no. Not this time. No. One year later, I am going to make it. I am going to beat this. I'm going to win. I'm going to be thin. I'm going to have. It. All.

I do my best if I plan my intake. Here we go: breakfast: usual muesli with raspberries and nonfat yogurt (150), apple (50), bread+jam (100), yogurt (35), rice cake (40). That's about 400 calories a day. No exceptions, no add-ins, NOTHING. That's the PLAN. That's the DIET. That's my LIFESTYLE until I reach my goal. This is a decision I'm making for ME, for my sanity. I'm making this conscious decision. And I HAVE to eat every 3 hours, without fail. If not, I end up binging. I'll stick to this plan. It's the only way I'll be safe.

I didn't go to the gym today, on account of my malnutrition was causing a bad headache and I felt light-headed which would be bad at the gym, so I went home at 4. However, I did 30 minutes of leisure ballet practice. I really worked up a sweat, I was surprised! That means lots of calories were burned. I guess I'll be doing ballet more often! I want to be super tiny for ballet. Our recital is in May, and we don't have our costumes yet, but I want my thighs and hips to shrink drastically for ballet. To be lovely and graceful.

Gym Hottie!

S-exellent. Went to the gym. 50 minute Pilates class. 30 minutes running 60 second intervals around track. 10 minutes rowing machine. 10 minutes weights. 10 minutes stretching. Abundance of hotties in the gym. And. While I was on the rowing machine upstairs, admiring all the cuties below me, who shows up at the leg press (which I have a clear view of)? Gym Hottie. Fucking sexy as ever. That hair. Those eyes. That body. Hot damn. So he's there, setting the MAN leg press up with plates, GOD he's so hot, and I'm watching, what a cute bum, and he starts chilling on the machine (I don't know why boys like to relax on machines for the longest time before they start...). And I'm still staring, then he looks up, my way, and I quickly turn my head. But he knew. I continued my gaze and I could tell he knew I was still watching. Ugh. So hot.

I went to the library intending to do 4 hours of calculus. Out of my 4 hours at the lib, 2 hours were spend thinking about The Gym Hottie, doing that^ with me. And other things. With his mouth. All over my chest. Down my abdomen. Of course, in my dreams I was much skinnier and my tummy was concave. I'm eating better. A lot better. I can't seem to think of anything else better than being double digits for Christmas. So I stop eating. I want him to notice me...No one will notice me if I stay this average-looking...MUST BE SKIN AND BONES! Annnnd, as promised...here's him:

Aw, I don't know why it's so small. Anyway, you probably don't need me to tell you, but he's second from the left. Yellow. It's so funny, the comments on this picture from his GUY friends are like "OF COURSE YOU'VE got your movie star smile as always and the rest of us look totally out of it."

Another!

Front row, second from left. APPARENTLY he's on the Boys volleyball team. That pic was taken at the game LAST NIGHT. If I'd KNOWN he was on the team I would have gone! I bet he looked so cute jumping around, spiking the ball...! The only reason I didn't go, in the first place was because the advertisement was big on "FREE PIZZA." Before I end this, a word of advice: Be weary, people you don't know are stalking you on Facebook and posting your picture on anonymous blogs. I would know, haha.

Frida Gustavsson

To look that good.

What A Beaut

Going crazy. That's what a 2500 calorie binge will do to you. Stomach so full I could barely walk back to my room, without hunching over. But I've read all your blogs and I am so thinspired. You girls don't want to know how much weight I've gained this week. I'm nervous to go to the gym tomorrow. The thing is, I've gained so much that going to the gym tomorrow will barely make a dent. But I have to stay strong and patient. Results will come. I am strong and patient. I am no longer going to feel sorry for myself. I am no longer going to give in to temptation and desires to binge. That's not what life is about. Life is about winning. I'm not a loser. I'm not going to settle for fat. Ugh. I'll be a beauty.

I'm gonna be a beauty by Christmas. Apparently there are only 40 days left until Christmas. Did you know I could have been less than 100 lb by now? But I kept fucking up. Not anymore. I am DOING THIS. I'm going to be skinny. Tiny. Adorable. Graceful. None of this disgraceful hunching over because of a full stomach.

Oh. Uh, would any of you be interested in seeing a picture of the Gym Hottie? After 2 months of searching and digging around, I finally found his facebook profile. Haha. Posting his pic here is probably the creepiest thing I could do, but whatever, he doesn't know me, you girls don't know him, so who cares! He's so hot...Too bad he has noo clue who I am. Or not, haha. I start salivating looking at his pictures, like wtf. Ohhhh, life, isn't it grand...!?

It's Worth It

Take your hands and run them over your body. Feel how alive you are. How you could ever have taken life for granted. How you could have ever misread the signals. How you never listened, how you never take your own advice. How you were scared to talk to that crush. How everything you've ever done up until this point never meant a thing. All you need is love. If there's anything I could say to sum up how I feel right right now, it's alive. And I was thinking that I could be happy if I could be skinnier. I could float through my life, and be able to remember things in a different way. I'd remember because I'd be happy. If I'm as fat as I am now, why would I choose remember? I don't want to forget my goal. I will never forget. The next time, I give myself the freedom to eat, will be when I'm less than 100 lb. For now, I am not free. I won't allow it.

My father has left for Maui, Hawaii for 10 days on a pharmaceutical conference. AWESOME. Go shawwty, it's ya birthday, we gonna party like it's ya birthday! I HATE my dad more than I hate my mom, so that's one less annoyance in my life for 10 whole days! Wheeeee! Right now, I'm stressing because I've got today and tomorrow afternoon to write a 3 page essay for Biology. I chose a topic that I'm really interested in: Is high-fructose corn syrup more detrimental to human health than sugar; so it's not so bad. What's bad is that I've left it to the last minute. Procrastinated, which is something I swore I'd never to again. Oh well. I'm gonna try harder to be strong. I don't try as hard as I should, and I tend to give up after one slip-up, binging the rest of the day. I'm gonna try harder to be strong. I'm hearing so many success stories. I want to be 95 lb for Christmas. So bad. Thin, thin. This is really what I want. From every inch of my heart.

FAST

I'm not happy. Don't like getting fat. I just need to focus. Stop thinking about my sadness, and just focus on THIN. Oh, my God, I have let myself down. I want so bad, for my family to come from the states for Christmas, and notice how thin I've gotten. 95 lb, 95 lb.

I can't take this shit anymore. I'm fasting. I don't care. I'm not a fasting girl, but I need to try this. I need to lose weight. FAST. Only foods allowed for the next 5 days: non-fat yogurt and muesli. That's all. Muesli is only for breakfast. I need to be strong. I need this. I need this like a bad habit.

Disgusted

I hate them, I hate them! I just hate my parents so much! They are so fucking nosy. And they scrutinize me when I eat. It's NOT just a coincidence that they come into the kitchen EVERY TIME I go there to eat something. It is NOT a coincidence. They come to observe. They come to see what I'm eating. How I'm eating. They come to see me eat, in general; that's to say, as if I'm an animal in a cage at a zoo. I know. I've been having this happen for months. And it makes me angry. It makes me feel disgusting and watched, like I have to privacy, like I'm not normal. Jesus Christ. I'm enraged. I just wish I could move out, and be surrounded by people who are normal, who treat me normally, who don't scrutinize me, who I can talk about food with normally without people underestimating me. Today, my economics/gym buddy offered me some of her peanut butter sandwich and I told her stories of my past Nutella binging and my love for almond/peanut butter, because I knew that she would, and she did, treat me normally; she laughed and shared her own stories. It was the most beautiful thing. Oh, and my "random-anorexics.com" friend is a weirdo. Won't be sharing stuff with her. Not sure what her story is, but I'm not interested anymore.

And, ya, ya, I know I was a bitch in the last post. What I meant about the "ugly poor people" was that, being uneducated, they were rude, unruly...quite unlike the lovely people I meet at my family's doctor/pharmaceutical conferences. Whatever. I don't blame them for being them. Fuck. I am so pissed off right now at my home situation. I'm off to ballet tonight. On my way back, I'm stopping at the grocery store to pick up some of my favourite shelf staples. That way I never have to leave my room, and my parents will never get to watch me eat, and when I go to the bathroom, they won't think it's because I ate something. There. Fuck you, mom, dad.

Updates will get more thinspirational, soon. I promise. Oh, yeah! I'm trying this new thing for a week, where I try to avoid the Internet as much as possible, and try going outside more. So my comments may be lacking...

Stay Focused

Now, I totally would have come home and eaten something, maybe it would have turned into a binge. BUT, I didn't eat a thing because when I came home, my entire fucking family was home eating dinner together. And I hate my family, and I especially despise it when we're all together, (oh how I detest my father) and I hate family dinners. Is it clear that I have a passionate hatred for my family? Good. So when I saw them, they were so excited that I was home and my mom LOVES family dinners so she wanted me to eat something and sit there, but I gave them attitude and walked away. I swear, I was so happy to come home, but as soon as I got home and saw all of those motherfuckers there, I was angst as hell. But at least their presence helped me avoid eating.

The party on Saturday was a disaster, not because of the food, but because of the atmosphere. Long story short: I am a classy high-class girl from a high-class-five-star-hotel kind of family and I DID NOT belong in a building full of ugly POOR people in ugly salvation army-type clothes. I sorta binged on Sunday night, which probably is what made my tummy all swollen today. Gross. I felt so fat all day. I'll just keep being good all week. I didn't go to the gym today, which I feel sad about, because I didn't get enough sleep last night. But I'm gonna do some calisthenics now. I want to be a thin ballerina. Graceful. Balanced. That's the goal. Wouldn't it be awesome if I got to 100 lb by Friday? Indeed. I've got a crap load of work to do this week. Bio essay (haven't started), calculus test, economics test, and French test. Damn, girl, you don't have time to eat. Stay focused. Stay strong.

Take Your Taste Back

All right, all right. So, tonight...I actually ate a dinner. I haven't had a LEGITIMATE meal in a week. Mostly I just have tiny snacks all day. But tonight, I was watching Weeds and this pizza commercial came on JUST as I got up to get a fat-free yogurt. It drove me so crazy, I literally rewinded the TV to watch it again. Into the kitchen, I went. It would have been a binge, but it wasn't. I ate my mother's amazing Indian food: chickpea masala, with...white bread. Damn. I was controlled though, the whole time. I knew perfectly well what I was doing, and the whole time the voice in my head begged me to stop, but I didn't. In total, that was about 300 calories and 10 grams of fat. Shit...For a person who usually eats 300 calories in a whole day, that IS a binge! But I'm not thinking much about it.

I'm gonna be a superstar all weekend. You know how I know? Because I weighed-in tonight at 101.8 lb. That's right. 101.8. *bows* I stepped on that scale 3 times to make sure. That dinner will be nothing. (Touch wood) Tomorrow, I'll follow my usual plan, and at the party "I ate before I came," and since it's at Scooters, I'll be burning TONS of cals skating. Whoa! It's like everything's just handed to me! Thanks so much for the advice, petals. I love the vegan excuse, I'm totally using it. I even brought up veganism with those friends once. I didn't work out today. I thought about it, but my biceps are sore, my shoulders are sore. Don't even get me started on my legs. Tomorrow, I'll be skating for God knows how long, that'll be good exercise. Let's do something fun, let's bet on how much I'll weigh by Sunday! Haha, I have wayyy to much fun with this ED, or whatever it is I have.

OH, and that friend! I sat next to her in Bio today. We started talking about Wintergirls, she said she'd lend it to me, so I told her about Wasted and that I'd lend it to her. Then she brought up Ellen Degeneres' wife's book on her anorexia. (It JUST came out, it's called Unbearable Lightness.) Then she took out this cereal called Cheerios, saying, "There's only 100 calories and 1 gram of fat, per CUP." We each had 10 Cheerios. Then she said, "Ohmagawd, like, two years ago, my doctor, like, I got down to 95 lb so my doctor made my mom, like, sit with me for every meal, it was awful." JUST LIKE ME. So I exclaimed, "Oh my God, like, ME TOO, I got down to 90 lb two years ago, and my mom would sit with me during and 20 minutes after I finished!" She said, "Aw, to make sure you wouldn't purge?" I nodded, and she said, "Damn, 90? What are you at now?" I told her 102, then we talked about going to the gym together. I am pretty flabbergasted at all this, but I'm still keeping my guard up. It's too weird to be real.

The Limit Does Not Exist

Another good day. Weighed in at 102 lb. Sweet. 100 by Sunday? Not sure. I JUST remembered that I said I'd go to a friend's 18th birthday party on Saturday. Actually, I remembered, but I forgot that it would involve food. Oh shit, oh shit. It's at Scooters...the roller blading place. Oh my God. There's gonna be cake. And even worse: there might be pizza. I'm not sure what they'll be serving, but something along those lines probably. Shit on my face. I can say no to birthday cake because "I don't like icing, it's too sweet." I can get out of eating pizza by...I don't know. If I can't get out of it...I'll pull off the cheese and nibble and nibble and leave a huge chunk of crust. I'm NOT getting side-tracked.

I kinda felt sad today when I looked in the mirror because I have no bum and no breasts, while my thighs are the size of China. I get scared looking at my bare chest because of those chest bones and my tangerines for boobs. It's scary because there's virtually ZERO fat on my upper body. It's all in the thighs. I kid you not. Then again I usually like having tiny boobs. It's different. I'm not like most girls! I never want to be average. At the gym today, I did 30 minutes of intervals on the elliptical. It was hard, I'm not used to the elliptical. Then I went to the weight room and did 10 minutes of shoulders, then 10 minutes of back and assisted chin-ups. Basically, every guy in the gym stared at me. Me, the only girl that ever dares to enter the weight room, this tiny little girl with bones sticking out of her chest and muscles popping out of her shoulders. WTF. I'd stare, too. Finished the workout with stretching and 5 laps around the track.

Just to answer a few questions:

That friend of mine who I think is "one of us," I'm not sure if I'll be talking to her about all this stuff, yet. I am not an open person and I don't trust people easily. For all I know, my mother could have set her up. So I'm going to wait until I have more information.

How do I manage to do all that crazy exercising with my minimal eating? I guess, over the years, I've built up a "tolerance" to it. Like maybe, my body's gotten used to hardcore calorie burning on so few cals. Maybe. Usually towards the end of the first hour of exercise I start to lose balance and my eyes blank out a bit and I gasp for air, but nothing serious. Not to the point where I fall over and/or pass out. I always push myself. 90 MINUTES, GO, GO. My mind is stronger than my body. What's the phrase? 'Mind over matter'? Or am I thinking of 'Where there's a will, there's a way'? Haha, whatever.

PS. I am so in love with all of you. Thanks for supporting me, girls!

Thin Is Classy

Okay, so, today was, like, the best day. My eating was amazing and I worked out HARD. I did a Pilates class from 12-1, then went to work out on my own, like the crazy I am. I saw my economics buddy there, so we spent 25 minutes on the elliptical together. (OMG, I got to point out the gym hottie to her. He was there, omg, like, he's so hot, I can't even describe. Shit, I'm drooling.) Then we went to the weight room, ignored the college dudes getting their pump on, and worked biceps for 15 minutes. Then we did pushups, and had a "plank competition." She left, and I ran around the indoor track for 15 minutes. I was dying by the end of it. But I felt accomplished. My legs are very sore. :)

Remember that friend of mind that asked to see the "skinny site," the one who told me about randomanorexics.com? Well, she texted me today asking "have you tried the baby food diet?" I said, "no but I've tried ABC, 246, rainbow..." wondering if she might know of those. She did. She said she can never manage to stay on ABC for long and that sometimes she ends up bingeing. Then she said, "what diet are you on now, I want to restart ABC, but I need someone to help keep me going!" Oh boy. You girls were right. I think she might be "one of us." It's scary shit. I never would have thought her...Well, I don't want to assume anything. Anyway, I ate so well, today, every 3 hours without fail. GET THIS: I came home at 10 PM. Weighed in at...102.2 lb. Say WHAAAAAT?! I haven't been that low in...forever! That weight is at NIGHT, omg I'm SO weighing-in tomorrow morning.

Today, I just felt so tiny, and pretty, and artistic. I was walking around campus, enjoying the beautiful crisp autumn day, in my favourite loose blue v-neck, skinnies, and black leather flats. I went to Starbucks, got a green tea, sat down and started writing letters to friends on pieces of paper I had painted with pretty water colours. I felt and looked pretty artistic. It was very beautiful. Things are starting to fall into place. :)

OH MY EFFING GOD

I JUST found this picture, and I almost had a heart attack. I was like, "omfg, omfg, gotta show the girls." I mean, LOOK AT THAT, her collar bone, I mean, are you seeing that!?! The way it is completely visible across to her shoulder!? I've never seen that before! It's quite possibly my favourite picture EVER, as of now.

Bad Habits

I have a really bad habit of starving myself all day, then coming home at 9 PM and allowing myself 2 slices of bread and butter and chocolate "because I haven't eaten all day, so it's okay." (I purged.) Well, that philosophy is SO WRONG. Here's what I did: breakfast at 8 30 AM, apple at 3 30 PM, yogurt at 7 30 PM. I didn't FEEL hungry, but my body knew something was up. You girls know the drill. Anyway, I think it's better if I just eat every 3 hours. That way, I don't come home and eat carbs late at night.

Anyway, so the plan is to be as lovely as that ^ for the Christmas holidays. 95 lb. I have no idea how I'm gonna get hair like that, though. I have really really really thick wavy hair. I don't put any products in, and I never straighten it. But when I was 15, I used to straighten it 3 times a week, which is probably why it's kinda damaged now. I should really try some products... ANWAY, I worked out like a mad man today. It was so hard, after not having exercised in a week. But I managed to pull 90 minutes. Goddam, I'm so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open as I type this. I was supposed to do Calc until 11, but I'm too tired.

Plan for tomorrow: eat every 3 hours. without fail.