Calculus War

I need to be studious. I had over a month to do all this calculus. I haven't done ONE QUESTION. I need to be studious. If I do not catch up on a semester's worth of calculus by January 2, I will have to drop out of school and work for a year. I don't want my life to come to that. I have to WORK HARD at this calculus shit. It HAS to be done. I promise myself that I'll do it. I'll make it. I'll catch up by January 2. It's going to be rough, but I'll make it. I promise. I am going to be the student I always dreamed I would be, the student I tried to be in September 2010. I swear to fucking God, this will be my year. I swear this time I mean it. January 2 is also the day I start hitting the gym everyday. See, the plan is that I catch up on ALL my school work by January 2, so that I CAN go to the gym. I weighed myself today. 114.2 lb. Weird, because I swear I got fatter... Anyway. Eating will be perfect. I'm creating a meal plan and a list of safe foods and forbidden foods and once-in-a-while foods. Exercise will be daily. I want to lose 5 lb in January. WHICH I WILL.

So how are you ringing in the new year?

I am full of shit.

Sorry, for my absence.
I am seriously full of shit.
There is so much I need to say and figure out. I'll do a real update soon.
I just really need to figure my shit out.
I've gotten really fat. I know this because my underwear doesn't even fit anymore. I'm a fat-ass, literally.
I'm fixing this, I swear.
I swear.
I'll fix this.
I don't want to be full of shit anymore.

Inspirational Rambling

I have written up everything I need to change in my life and how I plan to change those things. I realize that I'm not doing this for anyone except me. No one cares if I change my life. M won't care, she probably never will. No one cares if I lose weight or if I look like Karlie Kloss. I'm doing this for ME, and only me. I'm the only one who'll give a shit about me in the end. And I need that. I need to know I can do it for myself, my own confidence. Any time I give into cravings, and allow myself junk like ice cream, I am only letting myself down, setting myself back. No more. I'm making a change in my life. I don't want to look back and see how much time I wasted.

I'm making myself better. Stronger. 2012 will see a brand new Alisha. I love all you girls, anyone who comments on my posts, anyone who bothers to read. You're amazing. I'm so glad I have this community to fall back on. Tell me how you're doing. Tell me if you have plans to make yourself better. We're in this together. xx

Internet Addiction

Okay, so my non-carb diet thing isn't gonna work for me, haha, go figure. I think I'll just stick to healthy eating and exercising. It doesn't look like I'll be able to get to 105 lb by Christmas, but I think I can make it to 110 lb by New Year's Eve, IF I work hard. IF IF IF. Here's my problem. I have been a lazy piece of shit for a very long time and I am finding it very hard to not be lazy. I have breakfast, and then I'm back in bed blogging, then I have lunch, then I go back to blogging in bed, and mostly I am on my macbook all day. I need to quit the habit. It is making me extremely unhealthy. I have a plan to get out of this Internet addiction thing. I will go to bed before midnight. I will wake up by 9. After breakfast, I will NOT turn on my macbook. I will get ready for the day. I will be productive. I will exercise. Internet time will be reserved for the evenings and for no more than 2 hours, plus one hour of TV. [The only exception is M. (See what I did there, talk about cheesy.) If she wants to talk to me on Facebook or Skype, my time is unlimited.]

Part 2 of my job hunt is tomorrow. Handing out my resume everywhere. I can't wait to start making my own money. Tomorrow will be a good day. The beginning of a new me. No more being lazy. I'll lose weight, put on muscle, tone up, and look super sexy for January. And I'll only get sexier. After my job hunt tomorrow, I'll go to the gym. It'll be good. I'm excited.

A New Life Awaits

There are bones underneath all this fat. I know they're there. It's just a matter of getting them to come out of hiding. I don't have to become a skeleton. That's not what I want. I just want to be thinner. I want to become all muscle and get rid of this fat that's accumulated on my body. So I have a plan. It has finally hit home how important it is for me to get a job. I need independence. I need control. I need to be an adult. I need to make my life my own. I've finished my resume and gotten some references. Tomorrow I am going out and handing out my resume everywhere. I'd rather work close to campus because when I move out, my place will be close to campus and that way I can keep that same job. I know that I'll be getting a job soon and I already feel more in control of my life! It's incredible. Once I get my job, my parents won't be able to nag me about anything. I won't need to ask them for anything. I'll have an excuse to spend time away from the house. Ahhh, so excited!

The second part of my plan is diet. I've decided to make a complete change in my eating. I'm going to cut out all carbs, like bread, rice, sugar, pasta, potatoes, etc. I'm allowed fruits and veggies and chicken. And I will try to avoid red meat when I can. I don't eat cheese anyway, but I'm cutting that, too. This is gonna be a hard transition, but I'll ease into it. So for breakfast, I'll have a shit-ton of egg whites and a shit-ton of fruit. We'll see how it goes. If I can't take it for a week, I'll make a new plan. But I'm really excited to try this and make it work! I'm gonna be sooooo skinny for the end of the month! 

Sappy Stuff and Slump Update

I am consumed by thoughts of her. M. I guess it's harder to move on if I'm such good friends with her. It's so dumb: I wait for her online for hours, even until 2 AM. But she doesn't come on. She has a girlfriend and is probably happy. With her. She's probably with her. At least she's happy. I hope the best for her. She deserves it. The truth is, I'd turn it all around for her. I wish I could tell her. For her, I'll always choose "accept." "Ignore" is only for the rest of them. We had our thing. We dealed. And she chose the other girl. I'll get through this. Her heart was just a mailbox and was wasting too much of my hard earned cash on stamps anyway.

I'm nervous to apply for jobs. I've never done it before and I have no experience to back me up. But I suppose I have to bite my lip and do it. I need to do this. It's necessary for my survival. This house is too depressing. My parents make me very angry. They make me depressed. Being depressed causes me to go into a slump and I never want to leave the room. That makes me fat. I still haven't exercised. It's been over two weeks since I exercised. Gross. My eating has been average. I swear I need to get out of this slump. It's time I did something about it MYSELF. I don't want to slip back into my dangerous ED habits, but I feel like my weight loss is the only thing I can control right now, it's the only thing that is MINE, that could make me HAPPY. So tomorrow, I'll try to be the healthiest I've been in two weeks by getting up early, eating every two hours (mostly fruits/vegetables), and doing a simple 30 minute exercise routine. The exercise won't be intense. Just something to get me back into the swing of things. It'll be exercises like jumping-jacks, push-ups, squats, lunges, and stretches.

Slump and Rant

I haven't been posting because I've been going through a slump. I'm sure we've all gone through one and we all know that they suck. Basically, I've been sitting around, doing nothing for the past week. Absolutely nothing. I was feeling guilty because I said I'd start my diet/workout routine this week, but I realized that I am going through a slump. Slumps pass and I need this week to relax. Sometimes we just NEED to sit around and do nothing. First semester is over and I could not be happier.  Remember that I said I wanted to take last week to study and ACE my two tests? Well, I was full of shit. I barely studied. I think I failed my calculus test and maybe just passed my Italian test. This really sucks because now I have to work EXTRA hard in second semester. I'm on academic probation for Christ's sake, what the fuck is wrong with me!? I am going to use this month I have off to catch up with all my studying. I will go into second semester full of motivation and drive to do well. I will be the university student I have always wanted to be. I will be studious and I will always have time to work out. I am going to do this.

My home situation isn't looking very good right now. My parents are up my ass about everything. I am 19 years old and in university. They cannot keep treating me like I'm in high school. Every time they talk to me, they ask me about school and how much I'm studying. I acknowledge that I never study, but it is none of their business. It's none of their business if I'm up until 2 AM on the Internet. I wish they could just leave me alone to do my own thing. They also think I'm an alcoholic. And because of that, they have revoked my car privileges. I am only allowed the car to go to school and back. I cannot use the car to socialize. If I want to go out, I have to take the bus. The problem is I live too far to take the bus to where my friends are. It's such bullshit. And to top it all off, my curfew is 1:30 AM.  What. The. Fuck. If I get to the club at 11, I'm not going to leave in 90 minutes to get home by 1:30! Complete bullshit. But I can't do anything about it because if I want to live under their roof I have to follow their rules. One night, they flat out told me that they're tired of having to deal with me and that I should just move out. I DO want to move out (BADLY), but I have no money and I've never had a job.

If my parents continue to attempt to control me like this, my ED will come back for sure. The differences between my parents and I are too great. This has been building up over the past few years and it's peaked now. I really do hate my parents. One day, I will leave them forever. The other day, I wanted to go to M's place to watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show with her. I told them I was already on campus, and asked if I could just go over to M's place, watch the show then come home. M lives 5 minutes from campus. My dad was like "NO, no car, you can come home and watch it, anyway we don't trust M, I had a bad dream about her so I don't trust her." WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK. He doesn't trust M because of a BAD DREAM?!?! I lost it at that point. I am done talking to them. I think they're full of shit. I think my mum suspects that me and M have a thing, so that's her reason for not wanting me to see her, but I AM FUCKING 19, you cannot tell me who I can and can't hang out with. UGH. I ended up hanging out with M most of the day anyway (behind their backs) and my mom bitched at me because I came home at 8:30, when I originally said I'd be home at 6:30, EVEN THOUGH I called and said I'd be late. I have to find a job. I'm nervous about getting one, but I have to do it. If any of you lovelies have any advice, feel free to share! End rant. I hope by Monday, my slump will be over and I can start losing weight again...

I Don't Love You Like I Did Yesterday

I can't see myself having time to work out this week and that makes me sad.  It's just that I have two tests: Italian on Wednesday and Calculus on Friday.  I really want to do SUPER well on these tests.  I want to feel good about myself.  Classes end in exactly one week and I want to spend Christmas holidays getting into shape and feeling proud of myself, like I deserve a good time.  So I'll forfeit the exercise this week and just focus on my studies and eating healthy.  Once Friday comes around, I'll be in the gym almost every day!  I can't wait.  It's a sure bet because I'll be all done and caught up with school.  My goal is to be AT MOST 109 lb by Christmas.  That's 5 lb to lose.  Totally possible.

I got closure from M. On Friday, we did a Skype call and decided to go out and get McFlurries and meet back on Skype in 15 minutes. We did and it was so fun and so random! We talked on webcam for FIVE HOURS, until 3 AM. I was sneakily trying to get information out of her for my own benefit.  I got closure from her. I am okay with just being her friend. I am happy that she's got a gf now (even though I know M two-timed this poor girl with me). I no longer feel as though M and I have unfinished business. I am happy with our friendship. On Saturday, we were on Skype again and I helped her pick out an outfit for clubbing. (Fucking hell, she's so cute, I loved watching her try on different sweaters.) On Sunday, we Skyped AGAIN for 5 hours, just talking at first, then she watched Breaking Dawn online and gave me random commentaries on it while I studied Italian.

Weird Week

Ughhh, weird week.  Haven't worked out at all and haven't been paying attention to my eating.  I've been mostly healthy, but not as healthy as I could be.  The problem is that I stay up way to late, hoping to talk/talking to my crushes, and then I don't wake up in time, which messes up my eating schedule.  Sometimes I miss class because I'm so tired, so then I don't go to the gym either because I should be catching up (even though I don't).

My date on Tuesday went really well.  I'll call her C.  She bought me Starbucks and we just sat and talked and laughed for an hour.  I had a really good time.  I felt comfortable and sure of myself, unlike when I was with M.  I hope things go well with this girl.  There's just one problem: I can't get M out of my mind. I know we're both seeing other people, but...she was amazing when we were together. I guess I have to accept that she's a player, that she's not good for me.  I'll get over her.  I'll do my best.  I hope I can make it to the gym tomorrow.  I NEED to show M what she could have had and I need to make her jealous of C.  I also need to make C crazy about me, although she already is, I made her blush so many times on Tuesday.  We shall see!  I just want to lost 8 more lb.

114 lb

The scale has gone down!  I weighed-in at 114 lb today.  That's pretty good, seeing as I got my period yesterday and I only worked out twice this whole week (I was too depressed about the M drama to work out).  My eating is really good.  But maybe that's because my appetite has vanished.  I never feel like eating...I always force myself to eat every 3 hours because I know I have to.  The M drama has been resolved.  On Thursday night, I sent her a long-ass essay apologizing and explaining my situation.  She replied on Facebook chat last night saying that she accepts my apology.  Then she apologized for her part, which pleased me.  Soon we were chatting like we did before we got together.  She asked me if I was seeing this girl because she noticed our fb posts.  (So she's creeping my fb, eh...) I didn't say anything, but my sneakiness caused M to believe that we're seeing each other and that I've kissed her.  M has a girlfriend now, so I'm glad she thinks I've kissed this girl.

Eventually we got on webcam on Skype, and we started laughing and created a kissing map, starting with us, showing how we've indirectly kissed almost everyone in the LGBT group on campus. We had a lot of fun doing it. Pretty soon, it felt like we were talking the way we did when we were together.  I was like, what's she playing at!?  We're FRIENDS...I was finding it all very funny and I just went with it. She admitted that she considered me a girlfriend, which shocked me.  By 1AM, she was sending me depressing-as-hell videos on youtube, and was like, "watch this with me."  So we'd watch these videos together and she'd be on the verge of tears, her eyes all watery and red.  She wanted to get emotional with me, cry with me.  I didn't know what to think.  We talked until 2:45 AM.  It would've gone on had I not stopped it.  What's making me feel weird, is that she has a girlfriend.  If I were her girlfriend, I would NOT want her talking the way she did with me last night to another girl.

Whatever.  I have a date on Tuesday with this new girl.  I'm happy that there's no more drama.  I actually slept last night, for the first time in a week.  I am losing weight at a healthy pace.  Next week will be awesome.  I'll be working out everyday.  I've dropped chemistry, so that stress is gone.  Life is beautiful once more.

Sparkles

I did really well today!  I ate really healthy all day and I went to the gym for an hour.  It felt so good!  It felt like old times.  I was pushing myself at the gym.  But then I realized that my mind was blanking out and that's not a good sign.  So, I had to remind myself that I have to EASE back into working out.  I can't just workout hard core like I used to.  I'll get back into it eventually.  I am going to keep up this good work for the whole week.  Well, for as long as I can, actually.  This will help make me look like a Victoria's Secret model.  

I went to the mall after working out, with the intention of buying one or two "wife beater" tank tops (those look so good on me).  I ended up buying A LOT of things.  Ever since I saw Taylor Swift in July, I've been obsessed with sequinned clothes.  So every time I saw a sequinned piece of clothing, I had to try it on and if it looked good, I had to buy it.  I bought a sequinned skirt and top and a sweater.  Then I went to Victoria's Secret and bought the sexiest lingerie.  I got the bra in the above picture and a matching panty.  SO FUCKING SEXY.   (I thought of modelling it for M.  She'd love that.)  But anyway, now I'm broke.  Speaking of M.  I've thought about it.  And I've gotten loads of input from followers on her and on tumblr.  I've decided that I'm just going to take it slow.  I'm not expecting anything.  I'm not going to push anything.  I'm not going to get attached.  I'm just going to be normal and see where it goes.     

PLEASE offer your support to Alex!

http://skeletalthoughts.blogspot.com/2011/10/goodbye.html

I'm really worried about her and I want her to be okay.

Time To Get Back On Track

Weighed in this morning at 116.2 lb.  Lighter than I thought I'd be.  I want to lose 5 lb.  The problem is that I never allow myself to go to the gym because I haven't done my homework.  This weekend, I plan to catch up on all my homework (or at least MOST of it).  That way, I can go to the gym (without feeling guilty) five days per week, like I did last year.  As well, my sleeping pattern needs to be fixed.  I've been going to bed at 2 AM this whole week, which is making me very tired and moody and lazy.  When I'm tired, I eat a lot of junk and am really unhealthy, and I won't exercise.  So, another goal for this week is to go to bed by 11:30 every night.  In the past, I've found that when I get enough sleep, I don't crave as much food.  

Last night, I texted M and asked if she wanted to hang out on Monday and she took FOREVER to reply, then asked me if I meant this Monday, and then, a lifetime later (this evening), replied, "maybe, what did you have in mind."  In my head, I was like, wow such enthusiasm... Maybe she thinks I'm boring or annoying or something.  I dunno.  I dunno if I did something wrong or... In any case, I'm not gonna reply to that.  This is making me sad, but I won't let it get to me. 

New Plan

I've realized that I've been eating too many carbs and not enough veggies/fruits.  Maybe that's why I'm always so lazy.  I don't know what my weight is, but I'm thinking that I want to lose 5 lb.  I'll weigh in tomorrow morning.  Lately my eating has been really sporadic.  Not good.  So starting today, I'm going to make sure I eat every 2-3 hours without fail.  I also need to make sure that most of what I eat is 100% whole grain.  I've been slacking in that category... The plan in short: whole grains and mostly fruits and veggies.

So I'll be totally healthy today.  I'll go to the gym for an hour Tuesday- Friday.  I'll aim for at least 4 days/week at the gym.  (I only went once last week because I was so busy, haha.)  I really want to tone up my tummy and slim down my thighs.  My arms are okay, they've always been pretty slim and naturally toned (like Karlie's!)..    Okay, so whatever I weigh in at tomorrow, I have to lose 5 lb within two weeks-ish.  I've been flirting a lot with this really cute girl (even straight girls would think she's adorbz) and I'm pretty sure something's gonna happen soon, so I don't wanna be flab for her.  Haha.

Thanksgiving Weekend

Ugh, so it's Thanksgiving here. I'm annoyed because tonight AND tomorrow I have to go to a family dinner.  And it's the SAME family, the SAME people!!!  What the hell!  It's so stupid.  Anyway.  My eating is getting better.  I just need to stop eating Ferrero Rochers.  I need to get myself all sexy and lean and toned because I've become popular and I'm a "catch" (and I know it) and that means that I have more of a change of hooking up which means I need to be lean.

It's become really hard for me to get to the gym.  I'm so busy with school and my social life.  So I suppose it would be easier if I made more of an effort to work out at home.  Just because I can't make it to the gym doesn't mean I can't work out at all!  I can do Insanity, ab workouts, push ups, lunges... Haha I've just inspired myself.

Karlie at the Polo match.

I had seen these pictures in July, but after looking at them again today, I've decided that it is CRUCIAL that I get my ass to the gym and work out like crazy.  I want to be like my princess, Karlie Kloss.  I mean, look at how FLAWLESS she is.  I swear, Karlie is my ultimate inspiration.  For everything.  

Exercise Plan and The Gay Village

Okay.  Tomorrow I SWEAR I'm going to the gym.  I'm gonna spend AT LEAST an hour there.  I need to do a lot of cardio.  My plan is to get rid of some fat, first.  Once I lose some fat, I can start working on building some muscle.  (The way I see it, there's no point in working on building muscle if there's still fat in the way.)  I have midterms coming up, which I'm super nervous about.  I NEED to do well in them.  I'm SO FUCKING BEHIND in chemistry.  I actually really hate it.  The only reason I'm taking it is because I LOVE biology and most bio courses require stupid chemistry.

OMG.  So on Friday night...I went to the gay village downtown.  It was so fun.  I was with amazing friends (GUYS, SEE THAT, SEE, I HAVE FRIENDS) who totally have my back.  We went to a pub for dinner, where there was karaoke, and after we went to a gay/lesbian bar, where there was a drag show.  I was pretty disappointed because the majority was mostly gay men.  Where were the ladies?! Anyway, we decided that next time we're going to a bar known for lesbians.  The dancing was great though, and despite not having hooked up that night, I had a blast.  I'm so glad that I recovered.  My life would NOT be like this if I still had my ED.  Take care, ladies! 

Me Being Lazy

Ugh, I'm starting to annoy myself with the way I have not been working out.  Seriously, I've become a slacker.  Which is odd.  I am so used to priding myself on being super-athletic and "tank" but how can I say that NOW when I haven't been working out AT ALL?  I can't.  That means...I need to get my ass to the gym EVERY SINGLE DAY I'm at school.  That's four days a week, at least.  I still look sexy, though.  I'm not gonna deny it, I am an extremely sexy girl.  That's why I'm excited to work out because I'll become even sexier.  Haha.

So, um.  There's this girl I really like.  Yeah.  In my absence from this blog I figured some things out.  I like girls.  And boys.  I won't bother explaining, but if you're actually interested in how I came to terms with this, just leave me a message in the comments, and I'll do a post on it!  So this girl.  I really like her.  A LOT.  I haven't had a legit crush in a long time.  I met her at a few LGBT events on campus.  Hopefully I can make something happen... OH.  WAIT.  

On a different note:

• I HAVE FRIENDS
• I HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE
• PEOPLE RECOGNIZE ME AROUND CAMPUS
• I GO OUT
• I HAVE A GOOD TIME
• I GET INVITED OUT
• MY CELL PHONE ACTUALLY GETS MESSAGES
• PEOPLE COMMENT ON MY FACEBOOK
• I REPEAT: I HAVE FRIENDS

These concepts are allall so new to me and so beautiful.  It feels good.  For the first time in a long time, I am happy.  

I got a twitter because I'm always spamming tumblr/facebook with statuses...
It's dailyalisha.  Or @dailyalisha, whatever the common courtesy is...
Link me up with yours if you have one, I'll follow anyone

Karlie, You Are So Loved

Oh my god.  Karlie Kloss has done a for Allure magazine.  Anyone who reads my blog knows about my undying love for Karlie.  Guys. You don't understand. This photoshoot is amazing.  Karlie is so perfect and so lovely and so good at what she does. And can we all just talk about Karlie for a while?

This photoshoot is my new inspiration.  I'm going to go out and buy this magazine and take it all in.  I've been slacking with my exercise and school work.  Not good.  I want to look like a model, wahhhh. I have a lot of homework to do this weekend, so I'll focus on that first.  I have tonight and Saturday to finish all my homework.  On Sunday, I'm going to the first LGBT meeting/BBQ at my university.  (I want to meet people, I'm not a lesbian.)  Once Monday comes, I am going back into full workout mode.  I will exercise EVERY DAY, with one rest day per week.  I am so serious this time.  

Whoa, this new editor is crazy.  Anyway.  I started Insanity.  Let me tell you about it.  IT IS INSANE.  It is a killer workout.  I sweat BUCKETS.  And I'm a person who doesn't sweat a lot!  At first I got tired really quickly, but now I am much stronger.  Insanity will make you extremely strong.  Your legs will never be the same, haha.  The workout guarantees a full body transformation in two months.  I have taken my before photos and will be the judge of that in two months.

I haven't been eating the great.  I've been getting up late and going out a lot and only eating 3-4 times a day, instead of my usual 6.  The way I see it, it's summer and summer isn't really ideal weight loss time.  Summer is weight maintenance time.  I start school tomorrow.  Second year of university.  It's going to be way better than last year since I'm healthy and happy now.  Since it's school time, I will have a set schedule and my eating will be way more controlled.  I've already set up an eating schedule.  Along with Insanity, I will be fitness model material by Christmas! 

Insanity

As much as I feel recovered, I still have weird feelings about eating. For example, I don't have a problem with eating McDonald's once in a blue moon, but I WILL NOT, under ANY circumstances, order it myself or eat it in the restaurant. I feel self-conscious, as if people are looking at me and thinking, omg why is she eating that. I also won't buy unhealthy junk from the store by myself. I just won't. Maybe I feel like it's not "me." By that I mean that maybe being unhealthy is something that I won't ever be able to do normally. I don't really have a problem with this.

I start school in 12 days. I'd like to get really toned up by then. Totally possible with my metabolism. I just need to focus on eating healthy and exercising. I'm going to start the Insanity program tomorrow. For those of you who don't know what Insanity is, I suggest you look it up! I'm so excited for how my body will look once I complete the program!

I Wanna Feel The Warmth From The Buzz I Create

I've been thinking lots about the person I've become and the person I'd like to be. I miss the spaces in between, and I hate the emptiness of everything. We say but never mean (it). I want to figure out everything about myself, the world, and the way it works. I want to have it 100 times better than my parents ever had it. I'm ready to go out and start living my life. I'm ready to make friendships that will last for the rest of my life. I'm not afraid anymore. Stepping into the unknown is part of growing up.

Sometimes we all get lost in who we think we should be. Sometimes we just get lost. There's nothing wrong with needing to be found. That's where I'm at right now.

Health

I feel like I owe my followers on here an explanation. I started writing this entry on June 28, but abandoned it…Nearly two months have gone by. I can't even describe the strangeness of my life as of late. I am a new person. I think I am recovered. And to think, I did it all by myself. I cannot believe I used to live off 500 calories per day. I can't believe I managed to spend 2 hours at the gym after only eating 200 calories. I have realized that I really am not fat. With my increased eating, I've been building lots of muscle and I look toned and, soon, I will have that Miranda Kerr body I've always dreamed of. I think of this blogging community a lot. I remember how I used to scoff when girls would write about getting better or "living;" look at me now. I remember the mountains of support you all gave me. And I can't help but smile because this whole thing was/is such a pleasant experience. True, ED was/is like an abusive boyfriend, but I still do feel like I'm missing a part of myself sometimes. I'm told that this will get better with time.

I just weighed myself, only for the purpose of this blog. I am about 118 lb. But that doesn’t bother me. I look great! I feel great! I am healthy. And I can eat whatever I want and not gain weight. Literally. I’ve actually trained my body to crave healthy foods, and now, junk food just doesn’t agree with me. (Although, I WILL have cheesecake for dessert if I’m at a restaurant!)

It’s been almost four months since my decision to be healthy. I start school in a little over two weeks. That scares me. I won’t have as much control over my meal times, which might mess up my metabolism. That’s why I’m going to create a schedule based around my classes, so I WON’T mess up my metabolism. Me and my therapist are scared that I might fall back into my ED when school starts. I have mixed feelings about this. It scares me, but at the same time, I am reminded of all the “adventures” I had. Funny, I know. Anyway, I’m about to catch up on all your blogs. I may not comment, but I’m reading. OH, and follow me on tumblr! http://petiteetbelle.tumblr.com/ ALSO: if you have a Pottermore account, add me as a friend: goldmoon77 I’m a Gryffindor!

Overboard

I haven't gone overboard in a long time. Something possessed me this morning to have a really BIG snack: bread (110), olive oil (60), cheese (40), and nutella (75). That's a 285-calorie snack! With 15 grams of fat! Holy crap. NOW I'm pissed at myself. I wanted today to be a rest day, but in 10 minutes I'm dragging myself to the gym to do 35 minutes on the elliptical, 10 minutes in the rowing machine and 20 minutes of strength training. The reason I'm extra pissed is because tomorrow we're hosting a wedding shower and my mom isn't serving the healthiest food. I'm nervous about it. I was HOPING today would be perfect so if I slipped tomorrow, it wouldn't be so bad. BUT NO. I fucked up. Now I'm going to the gym and I'll have to be extra diligent tomorrow.

I'm really agitated at the fact that I'm not losing weight. I suppose I need to push HARDER and be more FOCUSED about my diet. This is the summer I become ripped.

Community Life

The problem is that I don't even know what to make of my weight loss. I'm TRYING to lose weight, but I'm not. At least I look great, even if no weight has been lost. The fact is, I don't mind not losing weight, as long as I look good in the mirror. It's strange. Health has really taken to me. And it's like everything's on my side. The amount of control I have over myself is incredible. And I can go to restaurants and still be perfectly safe! I never go overboard because I have secured control. So, I come here, on this site, and I don't know what to say. All I know is that support is always here and that you are all the most wonderful people I know of.

I got a one-month gym membership yesterday, and I plan on going everyday until it expires. My goal used to be model-thin. But now, I just want to look like a Victoria's Secret angel. And to be completely honest, I could get there by June/July. I'm capable. I guess, with this entry, I was trying to say that I don't know if I fit in here (in this community) as much as I used to. But I'll continue to have this blog, no matter what. It's an outlet. xx

A Change in the Weather

I do not binge. I do not over-eat. I do not crave high-fat or high-sugar foods. I have no desire to order a dessert. I do not get hungry. I do not get moody. I am very much in love with life. I am thinner than I was when I restricted. I started out aiming to eat 1000 calories a day, but, at this point, I don't really count. I just focus on being healthy and somehow I eat less than 1000 calories a day, without trying. I am getting back into exercise and I feel great.

It seems to me that I'm in limbo. I still get nervous when my mom asks me what I want for dinner. (But when dinner comes, I always make a healthy choice.) I am learning how to balance. For instance, when I was restricting, if I would have Nutella, I'd end up with a fat bloated tummy. But, now, I can have a tablespoon of Nutella and still have a flat tummy the next day! (Of course, I don't have Nutella everyday anymore. My mind and body are healthy and doesn't need/want it as often.) If anyone has any questions about what I'm doing, just ask, I'm so happy to give advice!

New Perspective

The strangest of things is happening to me. For the past month, extreme laziness has overtaken me. I have not gone outside in 3 weeks. I have not exercised, in the slightest, in 4 weeks. I have been maintaining my weight by eating like a normal healthy person; it is so strange, so foreign to me. I haven't been updating as much because nothing new or interesting has been happening to me. But I'm getting bored of that. Shocker. Haha. I want to start successfully losing weight again. So today, I'm ACTUALLY going to exercise. It's the most beautiful day and I want to create happy memories for myself.

I was going though my old journals the other day, from when I was really really thin. I've decided to do things similar to what I did back then. I'm keeping my calories between 800-1000 per day, eating every 2 hours, and eating whole foods, mostly fruits and vegetables and lean protein. I am always satisfied and I never crave. It's quite a beautiful thing. AND my tummy is flat and never bloated. Truth be told, I want to prove to myself how STRONG I can become. My hatred for my parents does not have to consume me; I can become thin at the same time.

25 Days Left

There are 25 days until my 19th birthday. I would like to look at least decent by then. I may not make 93 lb by then, but I can try to make it to 105. I don't know what my weight is, but I'm going to assume it's 114 lb. Ever since I finished school, my mind has shut down completely. My head is extremely heavy. I cannot think, read, write, move... I am overcome with extreme laziness. My body has lost all of its tone due to lack of exercise/movement. But I am eating really healthy so I'm not gaining weight. I just really wish I had the motivation to exercise...I suppose I'll get it eventually.

I think today I'll do some Pilates. Any exercise is better than nothing. I want to be happy. So I'm doing this. I think I could be really really pretty if I was thinner. I know I could be. So I'm doing this.

Back

So who hates me? Haha. I got so many messages on tumblr from you girls saying how much I am missed. I died inside. For real. I got some shit figured out during my absence. And it's only been two weeks. Omg, I'm dying, hahahahaha. Time to do this for real. I figured out that I am an extremely passionate person and I tend to take things too much to heart. But at the end of the day, it's my passion that will always save me. It will save me from things that I can't control, that make me sad, that threaten to flatten me. This is why it's important to find your passion and use it to set fire to your world. The only thing I can think about is making my youth last. We're not getting old, we're just getting vintage. We'll find ourselves in thrift shops and antique stores someday. I'll make this better and I'll be better and I'll be more in control of my life than I ever was. This has become more of a race against myself than anything else. Weight loss is my passion. This is my passion.

Everything we do is watched and recorded, so lets try finding some new exits and new ways to time it all out. Let's give ourselves something real this time. i have to catch up on your blogs. is this gonna be awkward?

Farewell

My lovelies, I guess this is it. I've decided to stop blogging here. I have come across so many special people on this blog. I've formed friendships, I've gained insight into how people think and feel. I am grateful for the "experience" that this blog has given me. But I'm not focusing on myself and my life and my world as much as I should be. I need to focus on my own issues before thinking about anyone else's. There are things in my life that I need to seriously deal with, like my weight loss. I need to deal with THAT firstly. I need to focus on school, secondly. I need to develop my real life social and verbal skills, thirdly. I need to branch out and try new things, take up photography, write short stories, read more books, fourthly. I would really life to see what's really out there, what life has to offer, what I am truly capable of. This is not good-bye, for I will be back some day.

Losing weight has become of utmost importance to me and I really feel no desire to write about it, talk about it, or hear about it. I just want to DO IT and succeed. On my own. It's hard to explain what I'm really trying to say. Here's a quote from one of my favourite books, Marya Hornbacher's Wasted: "Eating-disordered people, for the most part, don't talk to one another. It is usually not a little sorority where it's all done in a very companionable way. It's usually intensely private." I have a tumblr which I use as my outlet for inspiration and beauty and the occasional rant. Follow me, ask me things :) we can be tumblr friends: clicky!= http://petiteetbelle.tumblr.com/

This song came out, like, five years ago when I was just a little 13 year old. Anyway, it always reminds me of moving on and how great things are to come and how "life's waiting to begin." It's for you. Thank-you to everyone and anyone who followed me and commented and supported me when I needed it. You are the most incredible people. xo

It Begins Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day I ease my way into independence, into complete control over my life. I can do this. I can make myself my own. I can be thin. I can lose 10 lb in two weeks. I am strong. I have done it before and I will do it again. No more failing. I am making myself new. I will be everything I have ever wanted to be. Tomorrow I will write my biology exam, then go to the gym for an hour, shower and drive to the mall. I will go to Apple and get an estimate on repairing my iTouch. Then I'll pick up some sushi, go to the bookstore and purchase Shape magazine, after which I will sit down eat what I can while reading Shape. Then I'll drive back to UTM, go straight to the library and read Moby Dick until I am ready to fall asleep. Then I'll drive home, skip dinner, and watch Make It or Break It. Then I'll learn how to use my Canon SX10IS until The United States of Tara comes on.

Tomorrow will be The Best Day. It will be the start of something new. My new life. Things are going to be different this time. I want to be happy. In 10 years, I want to be proud of the person I am today, of the amount of will power I displayed, how thin I managed to get. From now on, I will never again lose sight of what's really important to me: being thin and in control.

Plan

-Shower

-Spend the next 5 hours studying for French

-Eat some veggies

-Head to French exam

-Do my best to pass

-Come home and study biology until midnight.

The saddest realization of finals week is this: I paid for 5 courses this year; I will most likely be walking away with only 2 credits. It wasn't my year. But it's going to be my summer. So far, I've had 150 calories. Not going to go over 500. Today is going to be perfect. I can feel it. It's fluttering in my stomach.

Almost There

You guys are just so amazing. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. My face lit up when I saw all your comments last post. I have no words. xo Economics was bad, but not so bad. I wrote psychology today and it went swell. Tomorrow I write French, and I am scared shitless. Okay, gonna speed up this entry and start studying. Monday I write Biology. I'm almost done! I'm thinking of transferring universities. I hate UTM, it was my last choice, I hate living at home, and my therapist has made me realize that I will never be able to "get over" my ED issues if I continue to live at home and "let" my parents control me. So I'm looking into applying to YorkU and, since my parents will probably refuse to pay for residency, I'll have to look into getting a student loan, which may suck, but it's better than hating life.

^That's basically how I dress for school, like, everyday. That picture of Karlie makes me so happy. I just can't wait until I lose all my hip fat so I can wear cropped tops and look so cute and so sexy. Lately, I have been eating the bare minimum. The fact is, I don't even feel like eating. It's become a chore. I'm not even kidding, I'm just so bored of eating and I'm too tired to eat and there are so many other wonderful things to do and accomplish so how can I even think about eating?! But, in any case, my weight's not budging because I haven't been at the gym since last week due to finals. Whatever. On Monday, if the weather's nice, I am going to go for the longest run of my life outside. (If the weather is bad, I'll settle for the treadmill.)

plan

-Shower

-Eat something. Anything. I'm so empty.

-Study psych

-Read biology

-Look at economics notes

-Head to 8 PM econ exam.

-Fail

-Drive home

-Sleep

I Guess This Is It

I'M GOING TO FAIL I'M GOING TO FAIL. ECONOMICS EXAM IN 36 HOURS AND I HAVE NOT STARTED STUDYING. THERE IS NOT ENOUGH TIME. I. AM. GOING. TO. FAIL. IT'S INEVITABLE. JESUS. FUCKING. CHRIST. I THINK I MISSED THE DEADLINE TO WITHDRAW. THIS IS GOING TO HAUNT MY ACADEMIC RECORD FOR ALL ETERNITY. FUCK. FUCK. WHAT DO I DO.

Starve to death. What else, stupid. Go insane. Overdose. I don't know. You worthless piece of shit.

Okay, Miss. Calm down. You have 3 other subjects to study for. Don't fail them, too. Please...

I need to breath. I need to focus on my other 3 subjects. The reality is that I am going to fail economics. All these nights spent stressing...it was all for nothing. This is all very painful. But all will be well soon, when my skin is papery thin and pale and I float and fat is nonexistent and...I'm 93 lb.

Next Day Syndrome

Well. Um. This is embarrassing, but, uh.... Today was a bust. I fucked up, yes, big time, I binged. I don't purge anymore, I don't have the energy. I woke up with whatever I ate yesterday still in my stomach so I wasn't hungry, but my OCD compelled me to have my usual breakfast, despite the fact that it was 12 noon. I had a few chocolate covered biscuits and chocolate, despite telling myself 1000 times that I was supposed to making positive changes in my life today. I made brownies and ate some, despite the murderous pain in my already-full stomach. That is a very long day of bingeing made very short. I am exhausted. It's been one of those days where you just can't wait for the next day to come so you can start over fresh.

I'm starting fresh tomorrow. It'll be a perfect Sunday. I'll wake up by 9 AM, have a light breakfast, and wash my hair. I'll study economics from 10:30-3, then have an apple and straighten my hair. I'll study psychology from 4-6, then have a yogurt and drive to the library and study French until 10 PM. Sounds perfect. Let's see if I'm not completely full of shit. If tomorrow goes something like that, then I'm not full of shit. If I screw up, that means I'm full of shit and incapable of accomplishing anything. (Yes, I'm an extremist.)

I've been seeing my therapist and it's going swell. She has made me realize so many things about my life and who I am. She has helped me realize how controlling my parents have actually been my entire life. They have always had the best intentions, but they didn't realize that they went about it the wrong way. Everything my parents have ever done to me was so they could have better control over me. Looking back, it makes so much sense! I hate my parents so much, more than ever now, after realizing all this. They did this to me, I'm screwed up because of them. But my therapist says she will help me pick myself up and move on. I can't wait to get up.

Skinny For Summer

Oh my God, I wasn't expecting all the love you guys gave me in that last post! My heart melted! I am going to get back to you on all your comments. I love you all very much. I can't explain it. Anyway. Lately, when I stand up, I get dizzy and sway and go blind for a few seconds. It's a LONG few seconds. It annoys me, and it's either because I'm not eating enough or I'm extremely tired. Who cares anyway. I like it. I like feeling thinner. I like not eating. I like how eating now makes me sick. I like being able to wear wife beaters and skinny jeans. I am getting smaller. I'll check my weight on Saturday, as usual. Once a week is good enough, it keeps me sane.

Tomorrow is my last day of classes. Oh thank the heavenly father I am still alive after those disastrous six months. Tomorrow is my last day of classes. After tomorrow, I think I will just stay in my room and study for exams and just not eat. At all. Only breakfast, chicken for lunch, and an apple for dinner. C'est ça. Skinny for summer.

Does anyone think that victory is possible without facing danger?

I was watching Peal Harbor (I HAVE NOT FINISHED IT YET, PLEASE DON'T SPOIL IT!) and I am really really sad. I mean, who would fall in love with me? What sort of boy wants to be with a girl who is afraid of food, who sticks her face in a toilet every once in a while? This is really awful. Every night, I have Nutella. I'm sick of it. I still manage to get away with less than 500 calories a day, but my body is going to store the Nutella. I don't want it to be this way. So I'm through. I am never eating Nutella again. It's not okay. It's not part of the person I want to be. I was thinking the other day that in 10 years, I would be ashamed of the person I am now. I don't want that. I want to be PROUD of myself 10 years from now. I want to be strong and beautiful. I want to be able to look back and see that I was good at something and that I succeeded.

I want to lose 10 lb so I can have the confidence to talk to people, be able to wear cute clothes, attract boys... I want to be dashingly beautiful. I want to make boys look twice. I bet I could be real charming and sweep a boy off his feet, if I could just get the confidence. From now on, I will simply focus on getting to 100 lb. That's all. Nothing else matters because everything else centres around being 100 lb. I hope you are all doing well. xo