Lifestyle Plan

So many of you wanted me to post my new lifestyle plan, so here we go! The editor was messing up the last couple times I tried to post it... Anyway, this plan lays out a beautiful life. It's what I've always strived for. I hope it inspires some of you lovelies! Let's do this. xo

- Eat healthier

- No bread ever for the rest of my life. It's a trigger food.

- Diet should focus on vegetables. Aim to eat a salad as a meal 4 times per week.

- Meat is allowed once a day, but ONLY if I'm with family.

- No fat, whatsoever.

- Eat every 2-3 hours, don't go longer unless exercising.

- breakfast: muesli+nf yogurt+ raspberries = 150 cals

- Snack: rice cake= 40 cals

- Snack/Lunch: apple or salad or veggies= less than 50 cals

- Snack: nf yogurt= 35 cals

- Every time you get the urge to binge/eat junk, don't move, don't get up. Just think about it. You shouldn't give into those urges. Think about it.

- No one gives a shit about you or what you "like" or what you post so don't even bother with Facebook.

- You don't need to check every single thing on your dashboard on tumblr.

- Limit internet leisure to 60 minutes per day.

-In the 60 minutes: check blogger, tumblr, xanga, e-mail, and/or update blog.

- YOU DO NOT NEED TO CHECK YOUR E-MAIL MORE THAN ONCE PER DAY.

- This hour is scheduled for evenings.

- Exercise every single day.

- Pilates class every Wednesday. Ballet class every Tuesday.

- Work out at the gym every Monday, Thursday, and Friday.

- Min. 30 minutes cardio, min. 15 minutes strength training. Weights, calisthenics, stretching.

- End workout with at least 15 minutes of low-impact cardio.

- Once a week, go for a pleasure run. This is optional and/or for stress relieving.

- Work abs no more than 3 times per week (non-consecutive days).

- On "rest" days, do as many push-ups as you can.

- Try to practice ballet everyday. Even if you come home at midnight, try to get in 15 minutes.

- Stretch every single night. Whatever you do, don't skip a day; otherwise you'll end up back at square one.

- Put in at least 24 hours of studying per week.

- Never procrastinate. Prioritize.

- Read a book every month, depending on length of book.

- Go outside more. Take a walk. It's not too cold to take a 15-minute walk to pick up/drop off the mail.

- Get at least 8 hours of sleep.

- You will regret not going to that concert. So do your homework at go to the show!

- In your spare time read books or academic journals, write down your thoughts, take pictures, and/or stretch.

- In your daily life, aspire to be like a Victoria's Secret angel: personality, smile, fashion, beauty, confidence.

- Don't judge anyone. Always be genuine.

- Always look your best, regardless of where you're going.

- Never care about what anyone thinks. Be yourself.

- Do not be afraid of the world.

- If you want to go to the library, go. Ignore the stares that always follow you when you walk.

- If you want to take a trip into Toronto to clear your head and be inspired, go.

- The answer to all your problems: punk rock. (I didn't want to generalize the wonderful genre of punk-rock, so here's a separate link!)

- You are amazing and strong. Show them what you're made of.

- Oh and have fun! This is a journey to becoming the best you can be!

Good luck in the new year, dolls!

Going Insane

I haven't been on blogger in a while. I've been going as crazy as I was the week before my Biology exam (the 15th). Crazy, because I didn't do any school work the past 3 weeks. Now, I'm stressing over Economics readings, Psychology readings, and Calculus. Six days before term 2. Shit. I cannot wait to go back to school, but I have to get this work done, first. And fucking hell, I hate being at home. I've been binging like a pig. Miss Alisha is no thinspiration this week. My sister is throwing her massive sweet 16 bash on the 30th and my cousins are coming from Singapore and my parents want me to go to their welcome dinner tonight, but FUCK I have all this Economics reading and shit to do! wrefhdjknwejdskgoinginsane.

The plan for this week is to focus on catching up. I'm also creating a lifestyle plan for 2011. Because in 2011, I WILL NOT fail. Things will be different. I'll be thin. Therefore, I'll be happy. I'll be in control.

Background

I've been uncomfortable around food since I was 12. In grade school when I sat with friends at lunch, I used to hide my food under the desk. It was because I thought eating symbolized weakness or conformity. But I never had weight/body/calorie issues. I was the leader of my group, but I was a quiet, shy girl. When I started high school, I wanted to change and be popular, fun, social...So I set out to do it. Long story short: I became known as a "pass around," hooking up with boy after boy, doing shit for the attention, being "blond"... Soon, I started getting bullied severely at school and online, verbally and sexually harassed at school and online...The school told my parents I was planning my suicide so I switched schools and made a plan to change and become the strongest, nicest, most adorable down to earth girl in the world. Because of the traumatic experience at the old school, I had built up a wall, and everyday since then my wall has gotten stronger.

Anyway, so I set out to be the strongest, smartest, and toughest. No one would do the things the bullies did to me when I was 14. No one would ever be able to hurt me or bring me down. And that's what happened. That's what made me into this monster. I have no feelings. I don't care about anyone. I'm self-absorbed. My ED was a byproduct of wanting to be the strongest, smartest, toughest. It never started because of body issues. My father is a skeleton, and I have his genes. Although, I get my thick thighs and hips from my mom. My mother's family is from India and they are all fat. My father's family is from Singapore/China and they are all skeletons. I am lucky, so goddam lucky, that I got my dad's skinny genes. AND THAT is how I KNOW that I am capable of making it to my UGW of 93 lb.

I binged today, but so what, I can still make it to the 90s eventually. Christmas is making me so nervous, I'm surrounded by so much food and temptation to eat! Eating makes me so depressed. The other day I binged and purged three times! I woke up the next day with the most swollen throat you'd ever see. It was painful, uncomfortable, and ugly. I'm never purging again. Therefore, I'm going to try my hardest never to binge again. That's all for now. I hope everyone has a beautiful Christmas! I love you all! xo

Never Take "Days Off"

My godmother's Christmas dinner went well. The Chinese dinner yesterday went well. Both dinners involved mere vegetables for me. I wasn't too happy with the dressing/sauces, but it can't have been so bad. (And THANK-YOU everyone for the tips!) I'm thrilled with my progress. My arms are thinner. My tummy is flat. It doesn't sound like much, but it's progress. My hips will shrink. I have faith in them. They are slow like turtles. But I have faith that they will shrink. I'm doing a lot of cardio. I took a break off working out today since my legs were so sore, and just did some ballet which was a bad idea because for the first time in 5 days, I binged and purged. Stupid. It was completely mindless. But I'm happy it was a mindless binge because it hasn't messed with my train of will power. I'm still as strong as ever. Tomorrow will be as good as the last 5 days, and I'll be hitting the gym in evening.

So I suppose working out everyday for at least 45 minutes is the best idea. I'll just skip the cardio component if my legs are too sore. Circuit training is a fun option! As of today I'm 104 lb. I've lost 4 lb since I decided to lose 5 lb for Christmas. I guessss that it's not too much to ask myself to aim to lose another 4 lb for Saturday, which is Christmas! Wow, I bet if I work hard enough, I could be double digits for xmas! Okay, but I'm not going to get carried away. Subgoals is the key to getting things accomplished without stress. So let's just focus on losing 4 lb in 5 days. Totally do-able. Did I hear someone say "Skinny bitch?" Oooh, sound appealing...!

^'Sup, Karlie? I'm gonna be in your league soon...

Help!

Crap crap crap! I came upstairs after 45 blissful minutes of burning calories, feeling tiny and thin and pretty, and my dad says, "Alisha would you mind if we go to Emerald?" (That's the family's favourite Chinese restaurant.)

"What?" I respond nervously.

"Would you mind if we go to Emerald for dinner?"

"Uhh." Long pause.

"Well?"

"Why are you asking me?"

"Well you'd have to come with us."

"Fine. I don't mind." Shit Fuck Me Fuck. I couldn't say NO I WON'T because I don't like oily fatty Chinese food.

Then my sister who is "trying" to be healthy, says "I kinda just want to stay home and be healthy with Alisha, my sister."

Yes, thank you GOD for my sister.

Now my dad is all like, "No come with us, Alisha, you have never come out with us in forever!"

Not sure what's going to happen yet, but I'm freaking hell out of my brain. I'm 4 lb down from Wednesday. I'm aiming to be 100 for Christmas, at this rate. No room for oily fatty Chinese food.

Resistance

Okay. I've lost 3 lb since Wednesday. Awesome. Will power is at it's peak. And it's here to STAY. I read, exercise, read, exercise, dance, read, dance, push-ups, read, dance, snack. That's pretty much all I do. I like doing those things, so it's not a problem. I've been fat-free for the past 3 days, and that's how I plan to stay. I never ever want to go back to eating carbs, binging on bread and butter, gaining weight...I will never let myself sink that low again. That has been embedded in my mind. Yesterday, I made my mother a coffee cake out of the goodness of my heart. She's obsessed with coffee cake. The last time I made coffee cake, I ended up bingeing on half of it. This time, I picked a crumb off, ate it, decided it was good, and walked away. I am strong.

Tonight is my godmother's Christmas party. Her husband is a chef, a good one. I'm not sure what they're serving. Sometimes at their parties we have elegant sit-down gourmet dinners, sometimes he makes a buffet. Whatever it is tonight, I hope I can get away with eating only a heap load of veggies and maybe a tiny portion of meat. They always comment on my eating... Anyway, I think I'm capable of losing 3-5 more lb by Christmas! I'm going hold my power tightly. I can't let it go, I won't slip. I'll be thin.

Five Pounds Lighter By Christmas

At ballet I ended up wearing my leggings with a long-but-tight long-sleeved black shirt. It was fine. Except that my hips were too wide. And my thighs were too thick. It was repulsive to look at myself in the mirror. I'm actually referring to myself as repulsive! I never thought I'd sink this low. But tomorrow is a very big day. Tomorrow, I will write my Biology exam at 4 PM, and should finish within three hours. Tomorrow, I can start focusing on myself, instead of Biology. These past 10 days, I have disregarded my physical health, which in turn negatively affected my mental health. Direct correlations. But tomorrow that changes. I am so excited for tomorrow. Tomorrow, I am going to work out. It's going to be hard, since I have't done it in so long, but it will feel amazing. I will feel amazing. I'm ready to start looking after myself again. I'm ready to feel beautiful. I'm ready to make a difference in my life.

Tomorrow I will follow my usual meal plan. The one I followed all school year. Tomorrow, everything changes. OMG, and I picked up the mail, and a $100 tax refund check came for me! So here's the deal: If I can lose 5 lb by Christmas, I'll buy myself an entire outfit. A dress with tights and shoes, or a top, cardigan, and skinnies... I have no idea what I weigh now, but I'll find out tomorrow morning. But I KNOW I've gained a substantial amount of weight and I've been eating too much because I've been pooping twice a day. Ya, ya, TMI, I know... So...FIVE POUNDS! Who else wants to lose 5 lb, by xmas? Let's support each other?

I'm making a new year's resolution list. The person I want to be, the things I want to be able to do, the goals I want to accomplish...It's still a work in progress, but I'm trying to carry out the resolutions now. Why wait until 2011? Start making the change now!

A Psychological Understanding

I didn't want to have that Nutella. It just sort of happened. I'm trying to figure out why. Here's what I've figured out.

Pure. Fucking. Habit. It's the kitchen. It's become a habit that whenever I go into the kitchen I have Nutella. In psychology, they call this...classical conditioning. Or Pavlovian conditioning.

Pavlov, the psychologist, would ring a bell every time he brought meat to dogs, who would salivate with the meat's presence.

The dogs were conditioned to associate the bell with meat. Soon, the dogs began to salivate with the mere sound of the bell, without the meat: a response that wouldn't have existed without the classical conditioning.

I have conditioned myself to associate the kitchen with eating nutella. I have to extinguish the conditioned response.

On a different note, I don't want to wear leggings to ballet tonight, because my legs look disgustingly lumpy and fat and ugh. I have no idea what to wear. But ballet is my major motivation to become skinny.

Getting There

I seem to have gotten stronger. Every morning before I drag myself out of bed, I tell myself that I will not binge and why. It works. I am eating more vegetables and resisting the carbs. I seriously have taken in enough carbs to last a life time. I'm focusing on slowly decreasing my intake because I don't want to go STRAIGHT into starvation after all this binging. That'll only slow my metabolism down. By January, my goal is to be able to survive on 100 calories a day, the way I could in late November. Today there was NO food in the house, but I couldn't help but LOOK for food. I stared into the cupboards. Nothing. Opened the fridge. Nothing. Opened the freezer. Nothing. Opened the fridge again, as if something magically could have showed up. Nothing. Opened the cupboards again. Nothing. "I feel like baking," I announced. My sister was the only one home; she looked at me and continued watching TV. I dug up some chocolate from the cold cellar, shoved it in my mouth, opened some thinspo sites, and stopped eating chocolate. I wasn't even enjoying the chocolate.

So I've been obsessing with the Victoria's Secret angels' videos on youtube. I've decided that a goal of mine is to be like the angels. Hot body, beautiful glowing skin, and a personality to succeed. Supermodels in general are a total inspiration. I want that kind of confidence. That kind of beauty, inner and outer. I want a gap between my thighs, for the first time in my life. I want to exhibit complete control over my entire being. So...here's to eating less and becoming the most beautiful I've ever been!

And there's Karlie in the most beautiful Dior dress I've ever seen. Before I end this, I want to shout out to Alex at Skeletal Thoughts. She's has a lovely blog but she doesn't have a lot of followers and could really use your support! If you get a chance, stop by her site to say hi. xo

Alway Use Your Brain

I tried to do my usual push-ups today, but I've put on a substantial amount of weight, thus my arms were unable to push my fat body up as easily. I fought the urge to self-induce vomiting today. However, that didn't stop me from bingeing. I don't want to sicken anyone with my moments of gluttony. I've realized that the reason I was bingeing was because I wasn't focused. I was not using my brain properly. You see, I have been so pre-occupied with studying for my Biology exam. I need to always bear in mind my goals. There should always be a place in my mind for weight-loss. I can't crowd the place with Biology and let myself eat mindlessly. I need to make a list. New year's resolutions and the like. I'm going to get to that immediately.

I have a lot of issues that need to be fixed and I am determined to fix them. I am so scared and it's going to be so hard. But I need to try; I need to make positive changes in my life. I think another reason, I've been so lazy is because being at home for this break has out me in "holiday mode." Not much to focus on, not always on the go... All this has made me realize how much I love university. The gym. Classes. Hotties. Walking around campus burning cals. Despite the work, I love it, I really do! I actually miss going to classes and learning new things! EVEN Economics. If I don't pass this Biology exam, I can't take it in January; I'll be stuck with Sociology. I really fucking love Biology and learning about the origin of life and animals and genetics and Darwin...

Yes, there is an abundance of Karlie Kloss photos on my laptop. So, uh, tomorrow's gonna be a binge-free day. I have to try. Oh, and Biology is the reason I haven't been commenting on your blogs as much. I've been reading, though! 5 more days until the exam...

Compulsions

Thank-you, Isobel and Adeline for your kind words. I would like everyone to know something. After google-ing site after site, I have, uh, "self-diagnosed" myself with bulimia. How sick. I've realized that as long as I eat, I am not happy. When I eat, I cannot focus on anything. I am going to be completely honest with everyone. Every time I eat (without purging), every time, I have this obsessive compulsion to work out. It's like I need it so bad, like a drug. My heart starts racing and my breathing quickens and I start panicking and I have to drop and do 20 pushups, squats and lunges, after which I feel better. Calmer. I have to, or my heart doesn't calm the fuck down, and I can't think of anything else. If I don't do some sort of exercise, I can't focus. On anything, other than my racing heart.

I am going to change this bulimic thing. It's so stupid. Tomorrow it shall be as if it never existed. Tomorrow, I won't even enter the kitchen. I won't even leave my room, except for the bathroom. Tomorrow, I change everything. For the better. Because, mark my words, come Christmas, everyone will stare.

That song is for all of you, lovelies. I am forever grateful for your support.

There is no easy way to look at my mother and tell her that I ate the entire loaf of bread. Yes, mom, I ate all 12 slices. Ya, there's no way that's happening. I'm speeding to the store. Must replace it before she gets back. Jesus. Fucking Christ. I cannot believe this is my life. Update later.

Mail Exchange?

Lately my life has been lacking inspiration and raw human beauty. I need to broaden my horizons, reach out to the world, to people, listen to their stories, share mine. I've kept a few pen pals over the years, and I think it would be really cool to get a few more. Let's exchange letters. They're pretty cheap to send across North America, and not much more for international. There are so many lovely things you can put in an envelope. It's a change to get creative, paint, take pictures, send magazine clippings, write...I'm sure everyone has beautiful things to send! I do. E-mail me if you're interested: *removed*

Last night I dreamed that I was so thin for Christmas, I was 96 lb. Everyone stared but no one said anything. I was filled with utmost joy and pride. Today's going to be a good day. I can feel it pulsing through my veins. Today will be a good day. I am on the edge of my seat with excitement. Who's gonna be in the 90s for Christmas? Me. Oh and an anonymous asked how long I've been doing ballet. I started in July this year! And I absolutely love it. I'm 18, so it's really never too late! I just have to work harder to improve my flexibility.

Action Plan

I no longer trust myself at home. I just had a slice of bread and feel terrible. Today was supposed to be perfect. I guess home is just not the right environment for me. I have barely studied an hour. I put in 30 min yesterday and 30 minutes today. I have wasted over 15 hours this entire break. That makes me sick. So here's my plan of action. Tomorrow, and the rest of the goddam break, I am hauling myself out of the house and making it to UTM for 12. I will work out at the gym for 60-90 minutes. Then I'll head to the library and spend the rest of my hours there, studying Biology. (It's open 24 hours since it's exam period.) I can come home AFTER 8 PM, which is when I can do my push-ups then practice some Calculus.

Push-ups are becoming a very important part of my day. Today I did 81. Being away from home, I'll be able to stick to my meal plan. I'll be able to focus. I'll be able to get into the "habit" of restricting. That way I'll be stronger when I'm at home, unable to go to the lib. I need to be a fucking genius. I need to be skinny. I need to be perfect. That's what I need. I have 6 lb to lose in 18 days. I'm slowly getting frustrated and discouraged. But not completely, because I KNOW that I'm 100% capable of losing 4 lb in a week. It's happened on more than one occasion.

Fucking dad has just informed me that tomorrow he's taking my car to get snow tires put on. So I won't have the car. Great. Fucking great. Mom can drop me off, but that's highly inconvenient because I won't have a place to dump my gym bag after I work out. I could start my action plan on Wednesday... Bloody fuck, I want action NOW! I'm sorry about my language. On a different note, I wish I had money so I could move out of my parents house. If I'd known that I'd grow up to hate this place so much, I'd have gotten a summer job all those years ago. But I've never had a job, and I can't get a job now because being a student my full time job. ... Christ, I guess I'll start the plan on Wednesday and pretend that my room the the lib tomorrow. Wish me luck!

I'll be that tiny^. Soon. Less than 18 days. You'll see. Everyone will see. Gym Hottie will see. Hahahaha, yeah right...

Will Power

My younger sister is starting to work out. It's kinda freaking me out because she's the "happy daughter," the cute one, the one that eats ice cream every night. This morning she was like, "I want to be like Alisha, she's healthy." My mother scoffed and said, "Alisha's not healthy, Alisha's mad. She doesn't know how to live." Fucking bitch. I love my life. Anyway. I just had 2 slices of bread and butter, which was NOT planned. But not a binge and not a big deal (today). Tonight is grandpa's 80th bday hall party. I'll only eat salads. Promise. I want to share with you all this little something that an old friend of mine posed a very long time ago. It's up on my bulletin board and never fails to inspire me.

Will - desire, want. Direction in which the flow is downhill.

Power - I'm not sure. Guesses:
-Volume of flow under your control. I suppose that is the energy you have power over. 

-Ability to go against the flow

Happiness is feeling a fast flow.

Will is the direction you perceive as downhill, and thus the direction that you believe will cause you to move fastest when travelled.

Hate is resistance to flow. 
Resistance to the movement of energy. Why would you resist the movement of energy? If you believe a lack of resistance would take you in a direction that you do not want to travel in, hate is stiffness, flexing, tense, afraid.

Power is your ability to move independent of flow. 
Power is unnatural, non-oraganic.
Power is independence.

That is why hate feels like power.
Power is the ability to move independent of the flow around you. 

And hate resists the flow. But it does not create a flow.

Will power is moving uphill


Forcing yourself against the flow.

Thin=Happy

I think I'll stay in my room all day. I don't want to eat. I want to be light. I want to wake up light. You know. Feel beautiful. I've felt it before. So I think I'll pull out the ol' will power and study in my room all day. I am going to focus on Biology. That's it. And I'll do some ballet and calisthenics on my breaks. I really can't even think about eating right now. I did 72 push-ups last night, and right after that, some malicious force dragged me into the kitchen and somehow I scarfed 2 cookies down my mouth. I told my mother about how my energy levels have been so low due to the amount of carbs/bread+butter I've been bingeing on (I didn't SAY bingeing). She agreed, and told me I need a "balance." So I'm making her buy lots of greens so I can make salads for myself. I find that when I exercise and don't eat a lot, my energy levels are so so so HIGH and I'm in a good mood! So that's what I'll strive for from now on. I'm up-ing my fruits/veggies intake. I want to be thin=happy. Direct correlations.

A couple of you asked for my diet plan. I lose 3-5 lb per week on it. Here it goes: Breakfast is always 1/2 C muesli with 1/3 C non-fat yogurt and 1/3 C raspberries=150cals. The muesli is 100% natural, not processed in the slightest, organic, whole grains, and only 2 grams of fat per cup, which comes from sunflower seeds. It's imported from Germany. 3-4 hours after breakfast, I have a rice cake (40cals). 3-4 hours later, apple (50 cals). 3-4 hours after that, I have a slice of whole wheat bread with raspberry jam (100cals)...4 hours later nonfat yogurt (35 cals). That's it. I'm thinking of cutting out something, and replacing it with a salad, but either way the plan works. Also, I exercise 4-5 days per week. Each workout has a 30-minute cardio component and at least a 15 minute strength training routine. I work abs 2-3 times per week; I do back/biceps, triceps, and shoulders on non-consecutive days.

I have 20 days to lose at least 6 lb. Here we go... And to everyone who commented on my picture, thank-you so much! It takes my breath away thinking about the bond we all have. Really, it does.

Just a Thought

My parents were putting up Christmas decorations so I decided to make Snicklerdoodles. I had 4. Also, before, I decided that I don't like starving. Well, I've said this on here before, but I mean I don't like the emptiness. I'd much rather eat 35 fat-free calories every 3-4 hours, than go 12 hours without eating. And I've already established that I'm not a faster. My metabolism HALTS when I fast. Not even exaggerating. At least I'm being "healthier", not eating crap and focusing on eating as little as I possibly can. So because of the Snickerdoodle disaster tonight, I'm gonna have to work out again tomorrow. I've been working out like a dog all week...I did TWO intense hours today. On less than 150 cals! I have NO IDEA how I managed 30 minutes on the stationary bike. NO IDEA. I have NO IDEA how I managed to walk around campus without falling over, although I felt close to it at times.

ANYWAY. Should I do a vlog? I want to, but I'm nervous... I feel...too ugly?, I think. My fucking thick-ass hair, enormous bulgy eyes. Okay, haha, I'm not that ugly. Forget it, I'll pick a pretty day and do a vlog. Haha. Everyone's doing it.

246/Progress Report

246 is going well so far. Yesterday, I had breakfast (150cals) went 12 hours without eating anything. I couldn't. I can't just screw up. At 7 30 PM I had a rice cake and a bite of chicken and that was that for the day. I worked out for an hour: running intervals for 30 minutes and 30 minutes of weight training. Today's a 400 day, and I'm just doing great. I have 150 cals left for today, so I'll have ww bread w/ jam (100) before ballet at 7 PM, and a nf yogurt (35) when I get back at 8 45. If I'm still up at 10, I'll have a bit of almond milk. But I want to focus on getting a TON of sleep since HOLIDAYS HAVE STARTED! WOO! I only have one exam on the 17th which is Biology which I love. And I can spend the entire 33-day break catching up on 4 weeks calculus. I have 33 days to catch up! That's plenty of time! So by the time term 2 comes, NOT ONLY will I be 95 lb, but I'll be 50% smarter, so much closer to perfect.

I'm gonna be HOT. Apparently, I've lost 2 lb since yesterday. I'm gonna be thin. I'm gonna get the Gym Hottie's attention (possibly, unless he only likes white blonds...). In any case, I'm gonna get SOMEONE'S attention. OMG, did I ever tell you lovelies about my calculus TA? Well, he's a bit of a cutie, so effing nerdy-cute. Awkward-cute. And he must know me because I'm the only one who asks questions in class. Anyway, yesterday I was leaving campus at 7 30 PM and I saw him coming down the hall towards me, so I held my gaze and smiled at him and he said, "Hey," and nodded acknowledging-ly. Something that small, just brightened my night. I smiled all the way to my car. I love him. Haha.

Today is my grandfather's 80th birthday, but I am not going to the dinner at the Chinese restaurant because I cannot afford the calories. I cannot risk the calories. My dad "is upset." My mom "is upset." My grandparents are probably upset. But I don't give a shit. I know I'm a monster. And I'm going to the big hall party on Sunday anyway. And this is about ME. ME reaching MY GOALS. Doing WHATEVER it takes. NO ONE can get in my way. No one can guilt trip me. I'm too strong. Tomorrow's supposed to be a 600 day, but I'm making it a 200 day because I won't be at home. Thursday's gonna be a 600 day, because I got myself into a stupid lunch with my mom and sister. Anyway, hope everything's going all right for everyone else! xo

To Be Weightless

I want to talk about ballet. Does anyone else here take ballet? Lately, I've been so completely inspired by ballet. I watch pointe floor work videos on youtube and I can't get enough of them. Basically, I want to lose these 10 lb so I can be lighter and better in ballet. My thighs are too chunky. Gotta tone down. I mean, I probably won't ever make it to pointe level, but it's nice to try. I want to be graceful, flawless, light, weightless. I've started 246. My mother has bought 2 loaves of cinnamon raisin bread because she knows I binge on it. I have to try so hard to avoid it. I'm trying. I'm avoiding food. Why? Because I need to lose 10 lb, that's why! NEED. Christmas is less than 30 days away. I recently found a texting buddy, and she told me that if I stick to 246 and add in some exercise, I can lose 10 lb in 20 days! She lost 15 lb in two weeks on 256. To be completely honest, I am so perfectly capable of that. So here we go. I'll avoid food all day today. Gonna weigh in tomorrow morning, tomorrow night, repeat until Christmas. I can't eat because I have 10 lb to lose.

Be strong, and stay strong. Always. That's it. Gotta study for a major psychology test, now! BY THE WAY: I want to thank everyone who commented on the previous post. Your comments mean the world me. xo

War

In a time of war, we don't eat. We only think about it, because we cannot AFFORD to eat, we're simply CANNOT get fat, we must NOT gain weight. It's crucial. I was looking at my profile pic on here, and was amazed at how slim my thighs were and how narrow my hips were. I think that pic was taken July 2009. Back then I restricted to the max and binges were rare. Why aren't binges rare for me anymore? No idea, I couldn't tell you. But I'm determined to make them rare again. I can make myself 10 lbs lighter in 30 days. I can, I can, I can, I WILL. So, everytime I feel like eating unnecessarily, I'm going to stop, think about getting fat, then stop myself. It won't be worth it. One bite will always hurt. It always does.

I'm so magnificently in love with Karlie Kloss. Anyway, it's the weekend again...I'm DETERMINED to have a good weekend. I have NEVER had a good weekend. I actually dread weekends because 1) I know that I won't do any work, hence I'll fall behind, and 2) I know I'll binge and get fatter. But not this weekend, because I'm on a mission to lose 10 lb in 30 days. No food outside the meal plan. 30 minutes of ballet practice everyday, to stay thinspired. And the 100 push-ups training plan. I have to study for my huge midterm psychology test and finish a less-than-one page French composition. That's my to-do list this weekend. That's the equivalent of plenty of reasons not to eat.

I hope all you lovelies are as thinspired as I am! If you've messed up, start making the change, NOW! Make a plan, create subgoals, start a journal to track progress... Let's banish fat. xo

Think Before You Act

I sorta knew this day would turn out to be a disaster when I decided to get on the bus despite the fact that I was already 20 minutes late. I wanted to go to downtown Toronto to attend a help session for economics from 6-10 which would guarantee me a perfect understanding. But my waxing appointment didn't end until 5 10, so I had to catch the 5 40 bus. Stupidly, without thinking, I wasted 2 hours. Got to Toronto, cried because I could have lived there today, and got right back on the bus homebound. It was so cold, 1 degree C, and I didn't feel like walking to the library like I should have. My only other option was to go home. I figured I was strong enough to not eat, since I'd been good the past 3 days. Home I went. Binge I did. Now, I feel like shit. I could have studied for 5 hours in the library. I wasted 5 hours.

I feel almost unworthy to post these lovely pictures of lovely girls... I worked out so hard today. I don't want to get to into it, because then you'll see how much progress I just deleted by bingeing. But I'll just say, that the lack of calories has made me weaker and I've accepted that I'll probably never be able to run the 5K. But I'm okay with that, as long as I can be thin. Honestly, I'm really disappointed in myself today. But this was the first binge in 3 days, which is a good record. And tomorrow I'll do better. I always do. Morely, I'm disappointed because I did not study economics today. The test is on Friday, and I'm not ready. Nor, am I close to 100 lb. AND my fucking dad came home from Hawaii today: another reason to be silent and hate home.

I just really can't wait for tomorrow to come, so I can start being good and getting thin again. I don't know what's going to happen to me. What I mean, is that I'm not sure if I have the strength to make it to the 90s by xmas. This scares me. Why? Why can't I just resist food? How do you girls do it? Tell me all your tips and tricks and secrets. I need all the advice I can get! xo

Thinspiration Before I Hit The Books

"I was on a mission to be another sort of person, a person whose passions were ascetic rather than hedonistic, who would Make It, whose drive and ambition were focused and pure, whose body came second, always, to her mind and her "art." I had no patience for my body. I wanted it to go away so that I could be a pure mind, a walking brain, admired and acclaimed for my incredible self-control... I began to hate my body with such incredible force that my love of food was forced underground, my masochistic side surfaced, and anorexia became my goal." Marya Hornbacher, Wasted

I'm on the right track and I know what I must do in order to reach the 90s for Christmas. It will happen. I failed the calculus test. I thought I did so well. This is bull shit and I refuse to take it any more. Change is happening.

^You see that? She does not even have an eating disorder, she eats more than 1000 calories a day. But she MADE THE CHANGE and started eating clean. She's such a thinspiration to me because she had love-handles, too, and managed to get rid of them. I can do this. I will look like that. I will be smart. I will not fail another test again. I will be pretty. And thin. And the Gym Hottie will notice me. Maybe then, I'll be happy, too. Anyway, hello new followers! Good luck everyone!

Reflections

I guess you could say, I'm making progress. Or you could say I'm at a standstill. Yes, I've been eating better, and yes, I've been exercising a lot. I've been eating better since Wednesday. But, I must mention that I've been having Nutella. Jesus. Christ. THAT IS A FORBIDDEN ITEM. It's not SAFE. It's BAD. But I've been having it. Not enough to make me gain weight, though. And today, I was so good, but at 7 45 PM when it was just me and my sister at home, I had a bowl of cereal with almond milk, some french fries, lots of Nutella, and bread with jam. Today. I'll probably gain from that, but I'm just trying to focus on doing better from NOW ON. I'm sorry I let that binge happen. But it did, and I can't go back, but I can do better in the future.

I am very terrified that I won't make it to the 90s for xmas. So terrified, that the thought leaves a lump in my throat, a wrench in my stomach. It scares me to death. THIS EXACT TIME last year is when I set my 93 lb UGW. My journal says I was supposed to be there by December 18th, 2009. I didn't make it. There are numerous scribbles: the date kept having to be pushed. It's still being pushed. It's heartbreaking to realize that I've been such a failure. But no. Not this time. No. One year later, I am going to make it. I am going to beat this. I'm going to win. I'm going to be thin. I'm going to have. It. All.

I do my best if I plan my intake. Here we go: breakfast: usual muesli with raspberries and nonfat yogurt (150), apple (50), bread+jam (100), yogurt (35), rice cake (40). That's about 400 calories a day. No exceptions, no add-ins, NOTHING. That's the PLAN. That's the DIET. That's my LIFESTYLE until I reach my goal. This is a decision I'm making for ME, for my sanity. I'm making this conscious decision. And I HAVE to eat every 3 hours, without fail. If not, I end up binging. I'll stick to this plan. It's the only way I'll be safe.

I didn't go to the gym today, on account of my malnutrition was causing a bad headache and I felt light-headed which would be bad at the gym, so I went home at 4. However, I did 30 minutes of leisure ballet practice. I really worked up a sweat, I was surprised! That means lots of calories were burned. I guess I'll be doing ballet more often! I want to be super tiny for ballet. Our recital is in May, and we don't have our costumes yet, but I want my thighs and hips to shrink drastically for ballet. To be lovely and graceful.

Gym Hottie!

S-exellent. Went to the gym. 50 minute Pilates class. 30 minutes running 60 second intervals around track. 10 minutes rowing machine. 10 minutes weights. 10 minutes stretching. Abundance of hotties in the gym. And. While I was on the rowing machine upstairs, admiring all the cuties below me, who shows up at the leg press (which I have a clear view of)? Gym Hottie. Fucking sexy as ever. That hair. Those eyes. That body. Hot damn. So he's there, setting the MAN leg press up with plates, GOD he's so hot, and I'm watching, what a cute bum, and he starts chilling on the machine (I don't know why boys like to relax on machines for the longest time before they start...). And I'm still staring, then he looks up, my way, and I quickly turn my head. But he knew. I continued my gaze and I could tell he knew I was still watching. Ugh. So hot.

I went to the library intending to do 4 hours of calculus. Out of my 4 hours at the lib, 2 hours were spend thinking about The Gym Hottie, doing that^ with me. And other things. With his mouth. All over my chest. Down my abdomen. Of course, in my dreams I was much skinnier and my tummy was concave. I'm eating better. A lot better. I can't seem to think of anything else better than being double digits for Christmas. So I stop eating. I want him to notice me...No one will notice me if I stay this average-looking...MUST BE SKIN AND BONES! Annnnd, as promised...here's him:

Aw, I don't know why it's so small. Anyway, you probably don't need me to tell you, but he's second from the left. Yellow. It's so funny, the comments on this picture from his GUY friends are like "OF COURSE YOU'VE got your movie star smile as always and the rest of us look totally out of it."

Another!

Front row, second from left. APPARENTLY he's on the Boys volleyball team. That pic was taken at the game LAST NIGHT. If I'd KNOWN he was on the team I would have gone! I bet he looked so cute jumping around, spiking the ball...! The only reason I didn't go, in the first place was because the advertisement was big on "FREE PIZZA." Before I end this, a word of advice: Be weary, people you don't know are stalking you on Facebook and posting your picture on anonymous blogs. I would know, haha.

Frida Gustavsson

To look that good.

What A Beaut

Going crazy. That's what a 2500 calorie binge will do to you. Stomach so full I could barely walk back to my room, without hunching over. But I've read all your blogs and I am so thinspired. You girls don't want to know how much weight I've gained this week. I'm nervous to go to the gym tomorrow. The thing is, I've gained so much that going to the gym tomorrow will barely make a dent. But I have to stay strong and patient. Results will come. I am strong and patient. I am no longer going to feel sorry for myself. I am no longer going to give in to temptation and desires to binge. That's not what life is about. Life is about winning. I'm not a loser. I'm not going to settle for fat. Ugh. I'll be a beauty.

I'm gonna be a beauty by Christmas. Apparently there are only 40 days left until Christmas. Did you know I could have been less than 100 lb by now? But I kept fucking up. Not anymore. I am DOING THIS. I'm going to be skinny. Tiny. Adorable. Graceful. None of this disgraceful hunching over because of a full stomach.

Oh. Uh, would any of you be interested in seeing a picture of the Gym Hottie? After 2 months of searching and digging around, I finally found his facebook profile. Haha. Posting his pic here is probably the creepiest thing I could do, but whatever, he doesn't know me, you girls don't know him, so who cares! He's so hot...Too bad he has noo clue who I am. Or not, haha. I start salivating looking at his pictures, like wtf. Ohhhh, life, isn't it grand...!?

It's Worth It

Take your hands and run them over your body. Feel how alive you are. How you could ever have taken life for granted. How you could have ever misread the signals. How you never listened, how you never take your own advice. How you were scared to talk to that crush. How everything you've ever done up until this point never meant a thing. All you need is love. If there's anything I could say to sum up how I feel right right now, it's alive. And I was thinking that I could be happy if I could be skinnier. I could float through my life, and be able to remember things in a different way. I'd remember because I'd be happy. If I'm as fat as I am now, why would I choose remember? I don't want to forget my goal. I will never forget. The next time, I give myself the freedom to eat, will be when I'm less than 100 lb. For now, I am not free. I won't allow it.

My father has left for Maui, Hawaii for 10 days on a pharmaceutical conference. AWESOME. Go shawwty, it's ya birthday, we gonna party like it's ya birthday! I HATE my dad more than I hate my mom, so that's one less annoyance in my life for 10 whole days! Wheeeee! Right now, I'm stressing because I've got today and tomorrow afternoon to write a 3 page essay for Biology. I chose a topic that I'm really interested in: Is high-fructose corn syrup more detrimental to human health than sugar; so it's not so bad. What's bad is that I've left it to the last minute. Procrastinated, which is something I swore I'd never to again. Oh well. I'm gonna try harder to be strong. I don't try as hard as I should, and I tend to give up after one slip-up, binging the rest of the day. I'm gonna try harder to be strong. I'm hearing so many success stories. I want to be 95 lb for Christmas. So bad. Thin, thin. This is really what I want. From every inch of my heart.

FAST

I'm not happy. Don't like getting fat. I just need to focus. Stop thinking about my sadness, and just focus on THIN. Oh, my God, I have let myself down. I want so bad, for my family to come from the states for Christmas, and notice how thin I've gotten. 95 lb, 95 lb.

I can't take this shit anymore. I'm fasting. I don't care. I'm not a fasting girl, but I need to try this. I need to lose weight. FAST. Only foods allowed for the next 5 days: non-fat yogurt and muesli. That's all. Muesli is only for breakfast. I need to be strong. I need this. I need this like a bad habit.

Disgusted

I hate them, I hate them! I just hate my parents so much! They are so fucking nosy. And they scrutinize me when I eat. It's NOT just a coincidence that they come into the kitchen EVERY TIME I go there to eat something. It is NOT a coincidence. They come to observe. They come to see what I'm eating. How I'm eating. They come to see me eat, in general; that's to say, as if I'm an animal in a cage at a zoo. I know. I've been having this happen for months. And it makes me angry. It makes me feel disgusting and watched, like I have to privacy, like I'm not normal. Jesus Christ. I'm enraged. I just wish I could move out, and be surrounded by people who are normal, who treat me normally, who don't scrutinize me, who I can talk about food with normally without people underestimating me. Today, my economics/gym buddy offered me some of her peanut butter sandwich and I told her stories of my past Nutella binging and my love for almond/peanut butter, because I knew that she would, and she did, treat me normally; she laughed and shared her own stories. It was the most beautiful thing. Oh, and my "random-anorexics.com" friend is a weirdo. Won't be sharing stuff with her. Not sure what her story is, but I'm not interested anymore.

And, ya, ya, I know I was a bitch in the last post. What I meant about the "ugly poor people" was that, being uneducated, they were rude, unruly...quite unlike the lovely people I meet at my family's doctor/pharmaceutical conferences. Whatever. I don't blame them for being them. Fuck. I am so pissed off right now at my home situation. I'm off to ballet tonight. On my way back, I'm stopping at the grocery store to pick up some of my favourite shelf staples. That way I never have to leave my room, and my parents will never get to watch me eat, and when I go to the bathroom, they won't think it's because I ate something. There. Fuck you, mom, dad.

Updates will get more thinspirational, soon. I promise. Oh, yeah! I'm trying this new thing for a week, where I try to avoid the Internet as much as possible, and try going outside more. So my comments may be lacking...

Stay Focused

Now, I totally would have come home and eaten something, maybe it would have turned into a binge. BUT, I didn't eat a thing because when I came home, my entire fucking family was home eating dinner together. And I hate my family, and I especially despise it when we're all together, (oh how I detest my father) and I hate family dinners. Is it clear that I have a passionate hatred for my family? Good. So when I saw them, they were so excited that I was home and my mom LOVES family dinners so she wanted me to eat something and sit there, but I gave them attitude and walked away. I swear, I was so happy to come home, but as soon as I got home and saw all of those motherfuckers there, I was angst as hell. But at least their presence helped me avoid eating.

The party on Saturday was a disaster, not because of the food, but because of the atmosphere. Long story short: I am a classy high-class girl from a high-class-five-star-hotel kind of family and I DID NOT belong in a building full of ugly POOR people in ugly salvation army-type clothes. I sorta binged on Sunday night, which probably is what made my tummy all swollen today. Gross. I felt so fat all day. I'll just keep being good all week. I didn't go to the gym today, which I feel sad about, because I didn't get enough sleep last night. But I'm gonna do some calisthenics now. I want to be a thin ballerina. Graceful. Balanced. That's the goal. Wouldn't it be awesome if I got to 100 lb by Friday? Indeed. I've got a crap load of work to do this week. Bio essay (haven't started), calculus test, economics test, and French test. Damn, girl, you don't have time to eat. Stay focused. Stay strong.

Take Your Taste Back

All right, all right. So, tonight...I actually ate a dinner. I haven't had a LEGITIMATE meal in a week. Mostly I just have tiny snacks all day. But tonight, I was watching Weeds and this pizza commercial came on JUST as I got up to get a fat-free yogurt. It drove me so crazy, I literally rewinded the TV to watch it again. Into the kitchen, I went. It would have been a binge, but it wasn't. I ate my mother's amazing Indian food: chickpea masala, with...white bread. Damn. I was controlled though, the whole time. I knew perfectly well what I was doing, and the whole time the voice in my head begged me to stop, but I didn't. In total, that was about 300 calories and 10 grams of fat. Shit...For a person who usually eats 300 calories in a whole day, that IS a binge! But I'm not thinking much about it.

I'm gonna be a superstar all weekend. You know how I know? Because I weighed-in tonight at 101.8 lb. That's right. 101.8. *bows* I stepped on that scale 3 times to make sure. That dinner will be nothing. (Touch wood) Tomorrow, I'll follow my usual plan, and at the party "I ate before I came," and since it's at Scooters, I'll be burning TONS of cals skating. Whoa! It's like everything's just handed to me! Thanks so much for the advice, petals. I love the vegan excuse, I'm totally using it. I even brought up veganism with those friends once. I didn't work out today. I thought about it, but my biceps are sore, my shoulders are sore. Don't even get me started on my legs. Tomorrow, I'll be skating for God knows how long, that'll be good exercise. Let's do something fun, let's bet on how much I'll weigh by Sunday! Haha, I have wayyy to much fun with this ED, or whatever it is I have.

OH, and that friend! I sat next to her in Bio today. We started talking about Wintergirls, she said she'd lend it to me, so I told her about Wasted and that I'd lend it to her. Then she brought up Ellen Degeneres' wife's book on her anorexia. (It JUST came out, it's called Unbearable Lightness.) Then she took out this cereal called Cheerios, saying, "There's only 100 calories and 1 gram of fat, per CUP." We each had 10 Cheerios. Then she said, "Ohmagawd, like, two years ago, my doctor, like, I got down to 95 lb so my doctor made my mom, like, sit with me for every meal, it was awful." JUST LIKE ME. So I exclaimed, "Oh my God, like, ME TOO, I got down to 90 lb two years ago, and my mom would sit with me during and 20 minutes after I finished!" She said, "Aw, to make sure you wouldn't purge?" I nodded, and she said, "Damn, 90? What are you at now?" I told her 102, then we talked about going to the gym together. I am pretty flabbergasted at all this, but I'm still keeping my guard up. It's too weird to be real.